Calvin Klein Reveal

I recently had a chance to review CK's new fragrance Reveal as part of Influenster. Turns out that hubby loved the sensual woody freshness. It has a slight oriental undertone, but like most CK fragrances, it is not overly heady or nauseating-- very important since I've been wildly sensitive to scents since I was pregnant with my daughter. Like my hubby, I find the scent both clean and sexy and not at all overpowering. Perfect for a casual date night out.  I recommend heading down to Macy's and checking out the scent for yourself.

Ch..ch...changes...

I'm so very tired as I write this blog, having dealt with a substantial amount of family issues in the last few months regarding my grandparents. The one thing I am most grateful for is to have my spouse supporting me regardless of how difficult that can sometimes be. I know too many people who put their comfort or interests well above their spouses. I think this is why we see these marriages fail. You don't give up on your significant other when times get tough or when you get bored. You work together and grow together. You chose marriage, and that is a contract, that is a partnership that requires that both parties up-build each other and be strengthening each individual, the marriage as a whole grows stronger.

Nesting and the Bottle List

Last night a friend posted her pregnancy announcement: an early sonogram amongst of nest of bluebird eggs. I knew that they had been trying to conceive since August if not earlier when we were discussing such things at the marriage of mutual friends. While I am absolutely  thrilled for her, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy every time friends or family or acquaintances share their glad tidings and excitement. I definitely don't think we're ready for a baby and we are not actually trying, but still, a part of me feels like less of a woman  and less of an adult for not crossing that bridge yet. Yet I find a growing pit of envy whenever I see these types of post and thanks to Facebook I see them on a daily basis.  Baby pics, nursery news, and sonograms have really become my digital social life. 5 years ago, I scoffed whenever I saw them, feeling a bit sorry for those girls I knew whose only goal was to catch a man and have a family. I wondered about their sense of self worth and identity if that was the only thing that they strove for. Lately I am softening toward this plight. Watching those I grew up with or went to school with announcing their 3rd or 4th children has a way of making me feel behind in my life. I know I don't want 3 or 4 children. I am still debating between 1 or 2. I am still debating between conception or adoption. I still don't have my duckies in a row. And yet....

I'm nesting too, but my concept of nesting is a bit different. I want to accomplish so much more in my life than simply having a family, though I see that in my future too. For now, I am focusing my energy and emotions on my book and screenplay. I am tending to their needs and coddling them and reading "baby books" or rather research to help my brain children develop into fully functional or rather dysfunctional adults. My brain babies have just as much riding on them as the prospect of future flesh and blood children. My hopes and dreams are carried on their backs. It is a big burden I suppose.

I'm nesting for myself and my relationship. You know how some people have a bucket list? I guess hubby and I have a bottle list: The things we hope to accomplish and experience before bringing a little one into the universe. Those brain babies above are on that list. I would like to have the book published and the screenplay ready to shoot if not sold before I have a baby. Hubby and I would like to have a house we call our own with some space for a functional garage/workspace for him and a yard and a writing room for me. I like the concept of security, and will likely feel insecure and creatively stunted until we accomplish this goal. I would like to go on at least two major trips out of the country without the responsibility of a child in tow. We have one of these tentatively scheduled for next summer and I am looking into the possibility of taking a trip I've long dreamed of this winter when my work is slow. I would like at least half our existing debts paid off before we have a child. We've already cleared away all our credit card and 90% of our car loans. We just need to whittle down those student loans at least by half before we consider a baby. We would like to both be a little healthier, we're currently challenging ourselves to focus on a routine of working out and eating clean so that we can raise a child in our best physical condition. That project alone may take another year to accomplish. I would like to have my business under control so I am still making good money, but dedicating normal hours rather than the excessive amount I put in currently. There is the potential of having partial ownership of the company I work for, so I need to work this year and revitalizing it so I can make a more informed decision.

There's a lot I would like to do before I am someone's mother. My list might take 6 months it maybe 6 years. I know its something I want and I wonder if anyone feels "ready" when a family happens? And who knows, maybe accomplishing any single item from the list above will be enough to say "I'm ready, lets try!" or maybe even after every item on my bottle list is checked I will still feel too young and immature and selfish.  For now I will simply look enviously at the posts of those who are ready for that responsibility and wonder when I'll ever truly feel grown up.

Maiden to Mrs.

Finally received my social security card, in the mail, with my new last name on it.  It only took a year!  The actual process was painless.  I filled out a form with both my parents info on it and went down to my local office.  Took a number and waited maybe 10-15 minutes.  Handed her the form and my marriage certificate and that was it!  Whole process took under an hour, hardest part was finding parking.  All that dread I had was for naught!  I don't know what I thought it was going to be like, but so far it hasn't been that "painful".  The hardest part so far has been changing my signature.  It is so funny because you see you girls writing their name with their crushes last name over and over, all over their binders, notebooks, whatever.  Then there is me who didn't even think of it until I had to sign something.  I decided not to change my signature as you cannot read my last name anyways and I would literally have to practice if I want to change it.  It is the one thing that will always be uniquely mine. Don't get me wrong I love being called a Mrs. but during the wedding planning I didn't think of my new name much.  Next, is my driver's license and passport; finally my work file.  My license, I can make an appointment and the form can't be filled out online.  You can only pick up the form at the DMV because it has a bar code on it.  This is the one that I am really dreading.  Even though I will make an appointment, I have no idea how to change my name on all the 7 cars I have co-signed or own.  Reading on the website, I got the impression one does not necessarily have to change the registrations, only the license.

So far this year it hasn't been a drastic transition but a gradual process.  All my credit cards and accounts were a breeze, just took a phone call.  There was a little mix up with my phone bill and I had to enter a new credit card for my automatic payments.  One of my credit cards was expiring and along with my new card they sent one for my husband.  He is on my taxes, now he is on my credit.  I told my hubby jokingly, "There is no turning back now, my money is yours!"  To which he replied jokingly, "Thank you for your graciousness."

I guess it really hasn't hit me because I am still using my maiden name at work.  This last job there was another Cynthia (mine is Cintia) and this caused some confusion.  Instead of calling us by our first name they used the last name.  I still have my maiden name on the call sheet so naturally everybody started using that.  Once I get that license, seeing and hearing my new name, I think it will change.  

And isn't it romantic...?

Most days marriage is a routine. When you are connecting and communicating, sure its a blessing, but when you're living your day to day life buried in stress and responsibility and obligations, sometimes it is easier to go through the motions than simply appreciate each moment.

I mean, think about it: You wake up, maybe take a beat to say good morning if you're on a similar schedule, but otherwise its more of a rush through the shower, shove in some breakfast, and bolt out the door. Then, you spend 8 hours on average focused on the highs and lows of a work day. Sometime this time apart is much longer. I know when I am working a film, my eight hour days stretch into12-14 hour ones. If you are lucky you are back home by seven...exhausted. What's for dinner? I need to unwind. Is it really that late? Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Some weeks its easy to lose the romance. Any adult knows that love and romance are two separate worlds. While its amazing when those worlds collide, the active effort to make that happen dwindles once the honeymoon is over.

What is a relationship, but work. Yes. Work. Working at connecting. Working at growing together. Working at appreciating one and other.

I think marriages that fall apart are the ones that fail to understand this concept and prioritize their lives around it. Lets be honest, if you stopped working at your job you'd get fired. If you forgot to care for your plants they'd die. The same is true of your relationships.

My husband and I like to write each other love texts throughout the week. A reminder that when we finally get to go home and unwind, that there will be someone warm to unwind with. We've made morning kickboxing part of our routine together. We sing each other silly songs. We make a point to shower together at least once a week (TMI I'm sure). We constantly work at our togetherness.

I've been thinking about our wedding song. Its been playing in my head this week. (Death Cab for Cutie's "I'll Follow you into the Dark). I'm thinking a lot about the lyrics lately and I know that whatever may come, my hubby and I will face it hand in hand. Perhaps romance isn't about the grand gestures, but rather about the quiet moments of stillness together after the hard work is done.

Its the little things you do together...

That make perfect relationships. I think Sondheim's tongue in cheek assertion is not completely off base. A relationship is based off the little things you put into it together. If a relationship is based off criticism or off singular (as opposed to shared) expectations or assumptions, the relationship will easily fall apart under pressure.

I have been told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. If this is true, my marriage will be a cakewalk. I have found that working together as one is simple provided both parties are willing to work, communicate, sacrifice, and most importantly appreciate one another. That last part is key if you don't want resentment to creep in.

My husband and I do almost everything together, because we feel it is important to share experiences and grow together. We make compromises for each other and make active effort to understand each other;s likes and dislikes in addition to strengths and weaknesses. We can honestly say we are best friends.

I think relationships are hard work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. When you build that hard work and understanding into how your relationship functions, things will be easy. However, if you pretend that hard work is unnecessary,  then the reality of  a relationship and the effort it takes will be exhausting. This is why people give up on their spouses. Its all about perception.

Whose side are you on?

We each have a side of the bed and it is so strange that we can't sleep on the others side.  We were at a hotel one time and both of us were tossing and turning; I couldn't figure out why we were so uncomfortable.  Then it dawned on me that we were sleeping the "wrong" side.  Why should it even make a difference?  We weren't even in our own bed!  Sharing the bed is not terribly hard as splitting other things.

Though I take up 2/3 of the closet space, he takes 2/3 of the book cases.  As much as we try to share, it is never going to be 50/50.  That's just not realistic.  Hubby has an ever growing vinyl collection.  I can tell him not to spend too much money but his collection is special to him and every find is a treasure.  We got a shelf to fit them and I asked for ONE cubby for myself.  I told him technically it's both our cubby since it is wedding memorabilia.  I thought it was a fair trade as I get to have something special on the shelf too.  

Our office is also split and we each get one wall for our own posters.  He puts up all his soccer stuff on his wall and I don't mind because he needs his own space and I don't have to look at it all day.  I feel bad for husbands who have to give up everything they like in their own house.   

The bathroom can be more difficult.  He likes to leave the door open and takes longer to shave than I do.  I still want SOME mystery and have to remind him; "I don't need to see that."  He doesn't lock the door either so I walked in on him twice in one day!  I gave in one day though, I had to pee so bad.  He was in the bathroom getting ready and I finally just walked in and shouted "can't wait any longer!"  We almost rented an apartment with two bathrooms and I thought "wouldn't that be great, no more uncomfortable emergencies."  But we didn't get it so the struggle continues.    

Of Sour Notes and Bitter Pills

 *This is reblogged from my other Blog 200 days to Healthy (http://200daystohealthy.blogspot.com/)

Halfway through the week and I have failed to post more than this one blog. It has been an incredibly trying week. From Sunday morning this week has been riddled with stress and disasters. Halfway though, I am licking my wounds and trying to muster the energy to move forward. Once I make it though, I will be stronger for it, won't I?

Saturday was incredibly busy with family and friend obligation dragging us all over the Inland Empire and Los Angeles County. We ended last week on a relatively manic note which was a prelude to what this week had in store.

The week began with a frantic phone call to my mother. It seems my grandmother has been doing very poorly. She is in her mid-late 90s and stubborn as a mule and dealing with depression. She has decided to punish my grandfather, who suffers from Parkinson's, for being lazy by refusing to leave the couch and refusing to eat or drink for a week. All my Sunday plans were dropped in order to deal with this. My husband was a wonderful support in the endeavor. We had to forgo our plans to get outdoors or to work on personal projects. We even forwent on our necessary errands such as grocery shopping and laundry in order to help deal with the crisis. While the crisis has not completely subsided, we were able to get some food into her and schedule a next mini intervention. She is stubborn and refuses to live closer to her children who can offer assistance or even in a retirement environment. She values her autonomy, yet is stubborn enough to basically allow herself to become suicidal in order to punish those around her.

We made it home late enough that there wasn't time or energy to go to the store which has translated into some poor food options for the subsequent days out of convenience. There poor options in turn are wrecking havoc on my system and making it hard to get the rest I so desperately need after the weekend's endeavors. I am utterly disappointed in myself. I feel like I am failing at life today.

Work has been an absolute mess, with one of the "fixes" our new web developers have implemented ended up crashing our database which left me scrambling after hours trying to put our client fires and pin-point exactly what was causing the issue. By the time I head home I am completely defeated, and, of course forced to work extra from home as many of the fires were still kindling. On top of this, there is a teeter tottering with me and our web guys where they are constantly claiming "fixed" only for me to find the issues are still there and requiring me to repeat myself 4 or 5 times before the issues are actually addressed. Its a process I suppose.

Hubby's work has also been giving him the run around and it is rare for him to work an 8 hour day, often clocking 10 hours plus off the clock phone calls, so I can't rely on him to pick up my slack.

My brother is also not doing well depression wise, and this is making me concerned for his well being at the cost of my own. I play the role of the fixer in my family-- the person who is available in a pinch to manage whatever issues may arise. It can be exhausting.

I've come home ravenous and anxious and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically the last few days. I have not even come close to maintaining my nutrition goals. On top of that, I seem to be getting added stress from friends whose good intentions have a negative impact on my current fragile psychological state. "You know the risk of Downs increases greatly if you get pregnant after 30, so you better not wait too long." *sigh* Innocent statements are weighing me down. There is just too much pressure in my world right now and I am so very tired.

My friend and mentor Saul Landau passed away yesterday. This political giant greatly influenced my life course and a big part of me is heart broken we hadn't gotten an opportunity to reconnect recently. I would never have gone into film or left my position at Cal Poly Pomona if it hadn't been at his urging. He had so much faith in me and was such an inspiration in my life. I miss him immensely. This news is also weighing me down.

The week is only half done, and I need to come up for air soon. I cannot continue to pretend to be swimming along fine. If you keep pretending, how can you tell if you're drowning?

My saving grace is that I have maintained my workout routine consistently in spite of the pressure. It hasn't exactly energized me, but I am happy I am not letting everything slip to the wayside. Got to trudge forward, if I keep kicking and remembering to breath I should make it out of these rough waters, won't I?

Baby Craze

My biological clock must be ticking... Or maybe its my accomplishment clock. Lately I have been enveloped in a wave of envy for the things I don't have and wondering if I will ever acquire them and how they would change my life.

The top two on this list are a home and a baby. Weird. Very weird. The desire itself is disconcerting. I cannot seem to shake the oddness of suddenly wanting things that I cannot recall actually clamoring for. I wonder what part of it has to do with me and what part of it is a reflection of what people keep telling me I SHOULD want.

I've been noticing women with children much more than I ever have and finding myself at once wanting them and not wanting them. Logically I know having a child will slow down the momentum of my career. Illogically, I am almost desperate to have one because I assume (and this has absolutely no basis) that I am either infertile or soon will be.  I have no clue what would make me assume that, but the assumption draws me closer and closer to wanting to try to have a baby. Further, going to a doctor to test my fertility is irrational because if I do so and find I am fertile and have a few more child bearing years in me, I will likely not want to have a child for a few years. What is this insanity?

The desire for a home is less insane, but also a bit crazy when I factor in where I see myself five years down the line or even where I see myself in a perfect world. The answer is a resounding not here. Yet I am craving a place of my own that I can lay roots in. Yet if I am rooted, how likely and willing will I be to leave if the opportunity arises? I'm not sure, and if I am not completely in love with the options I have, then why would I be striving for a sense of permanency? At least this insanity I can justify with the idea of it being a good investment.

Or maybe I am simply losing my mind.

A Love Letter to My Husband

Its so funny that I am considered by those closest to me an extremely romantic person, mingled with being outgoing, and a decent writer, most people expected me to write my own vows at our wedding. We didn't. There is something to be said for the traditional promises to love and cherish. Something powerful in knowing the words you say have been said by billions of lovers throughout history. Its almost as though your vow is timeless. This is, I know, the romantic view of things. Another truth may be that I am intensely private about the things that matter most. I was raised to keep my personal life more personal because making something public somehow devalued it.

Yet, even with this privacy concept ingrained in my personal culture, I often wonder if it is fair to keep my affection for my husband to myself? If it is in this private nature of the more intimate details of our relationship that people have cause for pause to question or doubt... Or, as mentioned in a previous post, feel they still have a shot with me.

We are long past the honeymoon stage. 8 years together can do that to you. Still, it isn't that the romance isn't there, its more that what romance is there is so comfortable, that there is less reason to note it.

My husband is my best friend. He is the first person I run to confide in. He is my first choice companion on every adventure I embark on. He is the place I run to when I need comfort or courage or confidence... or advice. I love that he challenges me, yet he is also the kindest person I know, with a remarkable knack for calming me. He offers me inspiration, one of the only people I can talk to for hours without growing bored or distracted...unless he is talking about cars, but I am used to that. He is also adorable, with the most peaceful green eyes where I can get lost. I love that every time he stirs in his sleep, only half awake, he reaches for whatever part of me happens to be nearest to him, to kiss before settling back into sleep. I love how when he wakes up in the morning, the first thing he does is look for me and when he finds me (often buried under a million pillows) he smiles a sleepy contented smile. I love how we take care of each other and understand each other in an almost effortless way that only comes from deep companionship. I love his patience and his generosity, not just with me but with everyone we meet. I love that he loves me for all my faults and finds me beautiful no matter how I look that day. I know that I shine more brightly because of the warmth he shares with me. I hope that every day I offer him as much as he gives to me.

Freshman 15

So it's been almost a whole year since Brian and I got married and I've gained a new house, a new guest bathroom, a stronger love, and oh yeah a couple of dress sizes! While the stress of wedding planning is gone, the stress of work always lingers and the escrow process didn't do much for my nerves either. It's pretty simple, I eat when I'm stressed. Kind of like:

Ice cream you my only friend

Problem is Brian and I like to eat when we are excited and happy too. So bottom line is: I like to eat. Brian is a very sweet man and he hasn't been bothered by it at all, but I don't like feeling like I'm letting myself go in a bad direction. The extra weight also makes me feel a little sluggish, so every week my sister and I have decided we would go on a little hike just for a few hours and then go about our busy schedules. It's sistah time, a fun way to exercise, and it starts the weekend off right. I'm just gonna call this weight my freshman 15, since I never did the dorm thing, and it's about time I started working them off. This will always be a battle for me, but I'll let you all know how it's going later on. Signing out!

The 'D' Word

Divorce. I have dreaded that word since I was a little girl. Growing up in a traditional Mexican Catholic family the 'D' word was a no-no. To break your promise to God and your husband would be considered shameful, and so whilst the girlish dreams of a soulmate wisped through my mind, so did the worry that I might let my family down if my so called soulmate left. That's who I happen to be, the world's biggest worry-wort, even as a child. Anyhow, as I grew older I realized that no, divorce wasn't the worst thing in the world nor was it shameful. I still do however find it depressing. The thought of young love (so tender, passionate and sweetly naive) and aged love (so full of experience, strong ties and battle scars) could diminish into nothing, or worse yet hate, makes my heart ache. Recently I've been talking to quite a few friends that are finding themselves in either the grey area of separation or filing paperwork and making the break permanent. Some have told me that they just grew apart and that they were tired of settling with behavior they had once tolerated, while others just said they were never right from the start and needed to fix that mistake. Of course most of us don't walk down the aisle thinking we are going to be part of the staggering divorce statistics, we all believe that our love is forever. For my own relationship I know that if need be, I will fight tooth and nail to keep what I have, and that there will be certain times that we will have harsh lows. I don't know any long-term couple that hasn't had some rough times, and if anyone claims they have always been supremely happy without quarrels then they are either lying or they haven't been together for that long. Right now I am supremely happy (not without a good ol' fight here and there ;) ) and grateful for this love we have. For those going through divorces right now, I hope you find happiness in either the single life or maybe one day another romance. We only have one life and if you're just downright miserable, and you've tried everything you could to make things work, then you gotta do what is going to make you happy. For the next entry, I'll pick a topic that's not such a downer. Have a great day!

Promises Promises

I've been annoyed with my husband lately, and for little fault of his own. I mean, I knew exactly who I married before I walked down the aisle. But that doesn't stop me from expecting more sometimes and sometimes I genuinely get it and he genuinely tries. Other times its a comedy of errors.

In our relationship, I tend to be the driving force. I tend to make the major decisions. I tend to research our potential moves, my husband is the spotter. He works to keep me balanced and grounded and from getting overwhelmed, which I do, often.  We've been playing these roles together for nearly 8 years now. And while some people might be happy to always take the reigns,  it is more exhausting than one might imagine.

Lately I've been really exhausted. Work has  been a roller coaster and life has been running a similar course. Sometimes I just need my hubby to be a bit more proactive than what comes naturally to him. I had been worn so thin that I begged S. to do anything to take me out of this environment for a day or two so I could unwind and relax and actually have a little fun.

For the past month or so, hubby has promised to do something special for me. To take me out somewhere away from work and family stress and away from obligations to anyone but each other. This sounded wonderful  and necessary,  each weekend I would eagerly await the execution of said promise.  I would wake up early excited and Hubs would "take care of business" around the house. Then he'd get distracted. Then about 3 or 4 pm he'd ask if I wanted to do something because he has a few ideas.... Ideas are not execution. And after waking up only to find nothing was planned, by 3pm I was tired and grumpy. I apparently have an expiration point for plans being executed. Things went on like this for about 4 weekends. At best, we settled on dinner out and a walk at our local beach. Which is nice, but not special or interesting and was certainly not planned. You see, whenever we planned a real daytrip or vacation or event, the planning always fell on my lap.  When Hubs plans, he second guesses himself until its too late to do anything really special and we end up back in the mundane.

A few weeks ago Ailyn wrote about the necessity of date nights. I wholeheartedly agree. The biggest problem with marriage is that people become too distracted to take care of themselves. And outside parties assume you have all the time in the world to be together, that you might as well be obligated to them too. We have spent nearly 40 of the last 52 weekends at friends or family or working overtime. Oftentimes, we were guilted into events when we'd have much rather spent quiet time together enjoying being married. So taking time out to take care of us was vital to the survival and health of our relationship. Sadly, we were failing at this and it was making me stir crazy.

The funny thing about being irritated with your significant other is that sometimes it boils down to a failure to be clear in what your expectations are. Communication. I tend to be a fixer. If things are not going perfectly I fix them by taking over and doing them myself. Its something I am working on for my sake and the sakes of those around me. The truth was I needed to spell out what I needed from hubby so that he was confident in his planning. I would have been ecstatic with anything he planned so long as he followed through. House chores will wait, the internet will be there when we get back, failing to adequately communicate and spend significant time together only hurts ourselves.  I finally communicated to him how I felt, when my internal alarm clock expired, and how desperately I needed time for us. He eventually got it right.

More on that in another post.

K
 

Opposites attracted

J and I are essentially opposites; I'm a night person, he is a morning one.  We don't even agree on strawberry or grape jelly on a peanut butter sandwich.  This works great for us as I remind him to loosen up a bit and he reminds me not to be so wild.  I don't understand his obsession with soccer and I don't bother to ask him to go shopping with me.  We don't have to see eye to eye on everything and that's what keeps our relationship interesting.  I always remind him of "the big picture".  We get stuck on the little details and making our point of view come across that it is easy to lose sight of what really matters.

We both agree that family is what matters most and it can be all taken away in a heart beat.  He has lost a lot of his family over the years and it has affected me dearly, as well.  Everyone says he is just like his father but I will never know, as he passed away when he was 5.  He has a wonderful step father and even though they are conservatives and we are liberal; we don't bring up politics or religion at the dinner table.  We prefer to keep the good memories of great food, stories and laughter.  

Life would be boring if we were all the same and as long as there is love there will always be family.  Sometimes, I don't know how me and my sisters can be related.  Now I am related to a man who is my "better half".

Mandatory Date Night

You might be saying to yourself, "well date nights shouldn't mandatory, it should come naturally", and to that I say "it's more complicated than that." Yes, during the courtship portion of any relationship you'll generally find yourself wined, dined and wooed often, but what happens when years start passing by? I'll tell you what has happened in my situation. While the love is strong, and the romance is always there, the date nights have dwindled as time has gone by. I feel it's only natural to find yourself in the daily grind, busy with work, house chores, projects, family get-togethers that before you know it you let weeks pass by without planning out a special time for you and your hubby (or long time partner). Before we were able to buy the house we currently have the everyday stress of work and responsibility was weighing me down. I was having a hard time sleeping and a few times I just would start to break down and cry. Even though I am a natural born crier it was obvious I needed a small escape. One week without me bringing it up Brian took me on a great getaway, and even though it was just a couple of days I'll never forget it. So what did Brian do? He told me to take a Friday off of work, and that Friday night we checked in at Malibu Country Inn. To our luck they upgraded us to a newer, recently renovated room. It had its own little deck with spa and the room was cute enough. The thing I liked the most about the place was that it was walking distance from Westward Beach. We got there just in time for sunset and we just sat on the beach and watched the sun go down and the waves hit the the shore. It wasn't crowded at the beach and with all that quietness I was able to just truly enjoy the beauty of everything and focus on Brian and me. Afterwards we went down the street to Zuma Sushi, and to our luck there were outdoor seats open. The air was cool, the stars were out, we ate some of the best sushi I have ever had and just talked and laughed for quite awhile. The next day we went hiking at the Los Liones Trail to Parker Mesa. The weather was perfect and the view at the top was gorgeous. After the weekend was over I felt refreshed in love and in life. It's often hard to find time to focus on the things you love the most and enjoy the God-given beauty of the world, but we just have to make time. It's already the middle of June and I swear that I was looking at January on the calendar just last week. I don't want to take life for granted or the love I have been given. So Brian and I have a promise that every so often we take turns planning a special thing, small experiences that are new to us or old ones we just love to do together. I know as long as we keep that up our relationship will be strong for it.

Of Buns and Ovens

Nope not pregnant. Didn't mean to get you all excited. And no pregnancy isn't overwhelmingly on my brain. Neither is finding a house, which it had been for so long.  Instead we decided to focus on becoming debt free, so I took a good chunk out of the nest egg and put it towards our debts: car debt, credit card debt, woosh! vanished. Now we just have to conquer our student loans and look toward recovering that bit of nest egg while we consider where to build said nest.

We've been talking a lot about where we would like to see ourselves in five to ten years, and we both agree that if possible, we would like to be able to work part time only, and lead a slightly slower paced life focusing on personal projects that make us happy. This is on the tail of a rather dramatic and potentially traumatic (or amazing) patch of rough water in my office. While the drama does not directly involve me, it could potentially change my life for the better or the worse in the next month or so.  Insecurity is dangerous place to totter.

We've been talking a lot to my brother about financial issues etcetera. My brother, who makes three times more money than hubby and I, yet is 5 times more likely to have to borrow money, feels he is in a good position to tell us what we should be doing and why what we are doing is stupid... In any event, he has a beautiful new home with a pool, somewhere around the armpit of the golden coast and we in turn weigh our options. Because while 10 times the space we live in filled with every comfort a young couple could desire is tempting. Being able to walk to the beach, makes us pretty darn spoiled. As does the wonderfully breezy rarely sweltering climate, and access to food and culture and art within walking distance. Would we like a yard and a space that feels more like a home than a "place we stay"? Yes, absolutely. But we don't have school aged kids to think of in terms of space and convenience. Nor are we particularly invested in any one area. And in August, my brothers Mc Mansion will be his only respite from the Mc Oven of the Inland Empire.

We've actually been considering saving up and buying a hippie farm somewhere near Santa Barbara. We'd purchase the land outright and basically create our own community of homes filled with neighbors we want to spend the rest of our life sharing coffee and wine with. This is not simply the dream, this is the goal for the next ten years. We'd have to consider the specifics of where so that we can financially survive while still having the conveniences and luxuries we need.

And on to that bun portion of this rhapsody or diatribe, as you will...Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? If you haven't please rent it prior to reading this. Hubby was recently talking to an old friend from high school, who hadn't done much since then. No great goals, no grand ideas, a few stints in jail perhaps. Basically the only thing this person had done with his life is breed. Please forgive this next judgmental assertion: When I look at the breeders in my life, those who's goal is to personally "fill the earth and subdue it" 99% have little to no motivation, education, or vision.  Its like the only mark they plan to leave behind when they die, is a long line of offspring. This in itself would not be so bad, if the intellectuals I know were also breeders. Unfortunately most of them are too busy pursuing life's treasures to treasure the life they could bring into it. The slippery slope of Idiocracy is that world is eventually populated by the lowest common denominator of humanity. This premise feels very... prophetic these days. So we have decided, we probably really need to have at least one kid. Of course we can change our mind tomorrow, but lately this has been the conclusion.

It isn't that we're exactly trying to have kids, but we've switched our perspective to not actively trying not to, if that makes sense. The good little former health educator in me, knows exactly what should be done to not get pregnant. So playing fast and loose (wow, now that's a gross pun) is a huge step for us in an effort to save humanity from its otherwise impending doom. At this point if we get pregnant it is neither on accident, or on purpose, it simply is. This is basically procreation Russian Roulette.

Its nearly our one year anniversary.  No one was kidding that time starts flying. I can't believe it. I still feel so much like a newly wed, only now I can offer sagely advice. I think the the strangest part has been my shift in perception. I am admittedly a perfectionist, and was therefore disappointed that my wedding wasn't as perfect as I would have liked. I tend to invest a lot of myself in the things I put my name on, and expect myself to accomplish the impossible. For some people my wedding was just that. My mom reminisces all the time about it being the most beautiful wedding she had ever attended, but then again, she's my mom. I think I did the best I could for spending as little as I spent. But the downside of wedding season is you cannot help but compare what you accomplished to what others did. I know my particular mental issues left me hyper critical of everything that went wrong-- which there were so few and so many things all at once.

I didn't dislike my wedding, I just left it a bit unfulfilled. Maybe because it took me months to unwind afterwards. Maybe because I was hypersensitive to what I wanted that was missing or changed out of necessity.  Maybe because it didn't live up to being the "Best Day of My life" because although it was a beautiful day and I love my husband very much, I don't define myself by being married. However, eleven months into being married,  I find myself thinking back on the day with more rose colored hues than I did 11, 6, or even 3 months ago. Almost a year into wedded life and the stress of throwing a wedding is finally diminishing and I can appreciate the day for what it was. I appreciate it for the simplicity and meaning and time spent with those I love the most. I appreciate my two amazing bachelorette parties thrown by my two amazing maids of honor. I appreciate the giant slumber party in the venue the night before that culminated with me and my besty blowing bubbles and singing "Somewhere Out There" and the late night BBQ. I appreciate the early mornings with my mother watching the fog roll out of the valley below us, and the really bad karaoke that followed the end of the reception. I appreciate the contentment in my father's face and the light in my hubby's eyes when he saw me. A year after my wedding, I am beginning to fall in love with it. Perhaps five years down the road I will remember it as the best day of my life.

I guess the theme if this blog today is that life is anything but certain. Certainty comes when life is in the past. Looking back at choices, our visions is 20/20. But looking forward it always feels so hazy. For the moment, there is the semblance of contentment before the next big wave washes me out to sea or carries me back to the shore.

What's in a name? ...And other Tragedies. Or, What the Wedding Books Don't Tell You Part 2

Changing one's name is strangely traumatic. Unless you were cursed with an unfortunate moniker such as Afadass, Mandic, or Hooker, most of us are not running to get our name changed, even though it is a sign of respect for your partner and a way to solidify your union, because changing your name isn't simply donning a new hat. Changing your name is open heart surgery. It can be painful, scary, and potentially life threatening.

A name is deeply entangled with one's identity. This is even more true, if your name is used for professional as well as personal purposes. I mean, at the very least, you have spent 18 years carving out who you are, or in my case 20-30 some odd, and then all of the sudden you find you have to be someone new. I say have to, even though, technically name changing is a choice, because the expectations and emotions tied to the name changing ritual can be a make them or break them scenario to one's friends and extended family.

I tried to convince my hubby to take a new name with me. Something that would be completely unique to us. He wasn't having it.

He also did not force me to take his name, but I realized that taking it showed a solidarity to our union. I mean, why marry him if I wasn't willing to consider us one?

Still I dragged me feet. Hadn't I spent the last 6 years making a name for myself professionally? What would that name and effort mean now that that name wasn't going to be mine anymore?

I took a babystep towards the name change. Rather than making it official, I made it digital. I opened a new email account with my new so-called identity. Just to try it out I suppose. See what it felt like...

It wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable. Kind of like when you sleep over at a friends house and you forgot your bathing suit so they loan you one or at least loan you some shorts and a t-shirt. Even if they fit perfectly, you can help but be self conscious. That is kind of what it feels like when you first change your name.

On Facebook, I squished our names together into something new. Some amalgam of who I was and who I was supposed to be. That felt safer; becoming part of something  new versus becoming part of something that existed long before hubby and I ever were together.

I am sure part of the awkwardness of the name change comes from the lack of a close relationship between me and his family. Defining myself apart from them, I keep my strength and self confidence. Keeping my name, is keeping my guard in the us versus them scenario. It means I shouldn't be disappointed  or expect too much, because its not like they're MY family. They are HIS. But when you take on a name, you feel as though you SHOULD be closer and able to trust and rely on those people who share it. Its like the act turns a magnifying glass upon all the cracks and holes in your newly minted foundation together. Sure, you fell in love with your husband, and have built your lives together, but that doesn't mean, you've necessarily spent time falling in love or becoming one with his family. The name isn't only your husband, which would feel easier, the name is your husbands life, friends, family, history. The name is about you fitting or not fitting. Its about being plucked from your own family tree and tied to another. But if you are simply tied, how could you ever grow? There needs to be grafting and nurturing , but that takes time, and it takes both sides to try a little harder to create a bond.


Nonetheless, I meandered forward with my name change. I had put it off, in part, because my parents supposedly took home our wedding certificate. It was a destination wedding and was too impractical for Hubby and I to grab everything. My mom assured me she had it and for months I trusted she did.  Then I realized my window was closing. What window? Well if you had gotten a new passport within a year of getting married, they let you change your name free. Otherwise they charge you a million or so dollars no one has. So I made my way down to my parents house to pick up our marriage certificate, only to realize, while it was indeed a certificate, it was more like the kind you get in elementary school for good penmanship. The "Decorative" marriage certificate. God it was ugly.... and useless.

So now, with less than a month to accomplish my name change I had to strategically maneuver my schedule all about town so that I could have the documents needed at each venue in order to effectively change my name. It is NOT an easy task. Outside of the emotional struggle there is also the hour long waits at various government buildings. All of which want both ID and their personal copy of the marriage certificate and some of which keep them for 3+ weeks before they issue your ID and paperwork back. Its a hassle. And who has the time to run around to multiple government offices in LA?

After taking two half days off, my name is only half changed. I now get junk mail to a variety of name combinations. I have decided to keep both my name and his name. Using his name personally will bring us closer as a couple, but maintaining my name professionally will help me not lose my identity and progress in my field. Its an internal compromise for me that highlight the duality of my roles, but feels like a safety net too. I can pick and choose from day to day who I want to be.

I thought I was taking the transition well enough (it ony took 10 months for me to get this far) when tragedy (okay not so tragic) struck. I had fedexed my passport et al to the US passport office only to find out (after the week it took to arrive) that the office refuses to accept Fedex or UPS. Which, by the way, is INSANE, because who would want to mail sensitive legal identification documents in an insecure way? USPS has been known to lose more mail (in fact, 1/3 of our wedding invitation were lost by USPS) and costs a fortune if you want to mail something more securely and be able to track it. Hello identity theft! I was so livid, because when I asked the passport office what to do, they basically told me to go F-myself.  No they wouldn't help me, no they wouldn't provide me with an alternative way to send it, no they wouldn't put a note on my file if it arrives a day or two late because they REFUSED it when it arrived 2 weeks early. No they don't have a supervisor. No they don't have employee identification. No there isn't a way to contact someone directly. No they didn't TELL you your package would be refused on the paperwork with direction, but had you called BEFORE you had this problem because you were psychic, they we would have told you by phone that they only accept USPS. No, no no. The US government hates you and your new name.

And that, apparently was the straw that broke this camel. I ended up losing it this morning. Going into fits of sobbing, because it doesn't matter how good or reasonable or fastidious you try to be. You are going to get screwed eventually. And dealing with people who treat you terribly when all you want is some information on how to contact a courier, or where you can resend the document to so that you don't miss the deadline and owe the government ridiculous money for changing your name...Changing your name which is akin to open heart surgery. Changing your name which may mean losing who you are. Perhaps climbing onto a family tree where you are attached by scotch tape and staples. Yet, you don't really have control over any of it anymore.

So I cried. And my husband had to save me. Which makes me a wimp, and Fed Ex had to save me.

What the Wedding Books Don't Tell You...Part 1.

Last night I got a drunken text. I think it might actually have qualified as a booty call. It was from the number of someone I used to know, but admittedly, had not remembered and had not even bothered to plug into my current phone. I've had that phone a year. I politely tried to evade the subject, my standard tactic for unwanted attention, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I do want to make it clear that my mind has no intention of going where there's just went. Think of it as the verbal equivalent of the innocent cartoon eye blink.

A normal person might have bowed out, but the response I received was of the NC17 variety, because maybe I've missed the first innuendo. My husband got a good laugh out of it at least.


Part of me thought that getting married was a way of branding yourself as "Off the Market." I thought that once you are married, you suddenly become some off limits old lady. That people would not look at you the same or that even if they did, they would chastise themselves for it.

Some of my facbook conversations and apparently text messages prove that propriety is out the window. My biggest issue is I love to flirt. I don't consider it flirting, or if I did, I did not consider that people would take it more than an innocent jest or compliment, but I am told that is what it is. Any witty statement, and flash of a smile, any playful jests, any passing compliment are indeed invitations for a romp at some later date. I apparently flirt with men and women and nowhere in my mind does that invitation exist. Plus, I don't particularly consider myself sexy. I like to think of myself as a buddy girl, so I imagine jokes would be taken at face value.  Did you know saying "that's what she said" is flirting? Did you know telling someone they look great is? Or even offer someone a smile and how are you? I love to flirt. I love to make people feel good or make people smile, and I don't answer compliments with "You know I'm married" because, lets face it, they DO know. The truth is people can see flirting in anything they WANT to see it in. Being nice, well that is simply inviting the chase.

I read an article today about how after getting married, the average woman flirts more. Psychologically speaking, flirting is a form of self validation, because, like me, many women assume that their desirability to the outside world somehow is flushed away with their wedding vows. Flirting is a way to remind themselves that even though they are now a wife, people still find her attractive, interesting, and well a catch. I can't say I haven't fallen prey to this either.

And lets face it, I was an actor, so I can't say I don't like the attention either.

In modern society there is apparently no such thing as a commitment. I guess with the prevalence of divorce, people are placing their bids early at your next go around. This is, of course, sarcasm, as I am deeply in love with my husband.

The people who, prior to getting married, all told me NOT to do it, that it would break their heart, have apparently found their heart heals up okay and have circled round again. Their game is laid on thick, considering I am 100% off the market. I don't know what they think? I assume it is that now if I give in, they don't have to worry about it getting too serious as I'd simply be in it for fun and go home to my husband? Gross.  Lets put this in perspective. I have been married 10 months and have been told by no less than 5 people that if I ever want to...

So guess what? A wedding ring is not the deterrent it once was. There are still a few that chastise themselves for flirting with a married woman. And its funny, because so many of my (supposedly platonic) male friendships have shifted since I've wed. I never assumed that people had intentions, but apparently I was mistaken. Some have flat out said that they can't be friends with me because I'm married now. How weird is that?

Thankfully, my husband is absolutely not the jealous type. Part of that is that I keep him "in on the joke." I confide everything to him so he knows there is nothing to worry about. "I mean, when I was in grad school he got to endure first hand the drunken ramblings of a friend who "f-ing hated him. I mean hate hate. But you're a good guy and we're cool. But I hate you too."  He just finds these things funny and sad. Plus, my husband is the most likeable guy in the world, so the best way to dissuade an over-amorous friend from chasing me, is to let them know my husband. Then suddenly they feel bad about wanting more than friendship with me.

My husband knows where we stand, and he's incredibly confident with where we are. I also tease him because when we first moved from friendquantances to a potential couple he had said to me (also drunkenly I might add) "I will like you as long as someone else does too" (People say the most interesting things with a little liquid courage).  He still kicks himself for that priceless gem, but I find it hilarious and love to remind him of it when we are surprised with the occasion drunken text of a former "might be."

I think being flirty has always been part of my personality, and I am not willing to change who I fundamentally am because other people don't know where to draw the line for themselves. As long as my husband trusts me, and I trust him, and we keep an open line of communication, I don't think change is necessary.

PS this was at Ailyn's wedding

I guess these "might have beens" are helpful to us too, because they remind both he and I how lucky we got to have each other. I find myself more and more in love as our time together progresses. More confident, more lucky, more happy that I don't have to venture out into the world without him by my side.

The Ups

Everything feels cyclical. Right when you think you can't take any more hard news then you get a kind break, maybe even a period of bliss, or visa-versa. So maybe sometimes it feels oblong, but I think you catch my drift. Only 2 months ago I was lamenting the fact that I didn't think we would have a house anytime soon with the rise in housing prices. I had accepted the seemingly apparent fact that I would have to wait at least a year to get a home, and you know what I was more than okay with that, buuuuut.....WE GOT A HOUSE! I just received the keys last night. Brian and I giddily walked around our empty house imagining what we could do in each room and all the projects they will entail. While I know we have a lot of work to do I am still more than excited.

To top off this news only two weeks ago I found out that my sister and her man got engaged! To make life even sweeter she has asked me to be her maid-of-honor. I'm just going to enjoy this moment in time before it passes me by.

In a slightly related note, with my sister getting engaged, I would like to put an offer out there. I made a "Mr. & Mrs." wedding sign for my own wedding last year. I saw something similar on Etsy and just made my own template to save myself the $50 plus shipping I would have had to pay. If there are any soon to be brides out there that would like one, I am offering to make this sign for the first person who makes a comment on the page (about yourself and anything else you would like to add). Later on we can discuss the color details and when I can ship it. You can use the sign for your pictures, sweetheart table or whatever. I also have the blue and white sign with yellow accented stenciling that I made for my wedding. I don't want to throw it in the recycling bin because it's still in good shape, so if you would like it for your wedding let me know!

A Future Delayed

Life isn't as convenient as it should be and growing up has not necessarily lived up to all its potential.I remember dreaming about what adulthood would be like when I was a little girl. I remember even going so far as making statements about what I would do different than my own parents. Now that I am a "grown up" I can help but feel I am still a little girl.

I wonder if everyone feels like this? Like the little kid who snuck downstairs to observe their parents party? I wonder if I will ever truly feel grown up.

Part of my assumption of not being a grown up has to do with my inability to lay down roots. We are on a terminal hold up. We don't want kids until we have the house, we can't afford the house until we pay off the student loan debt, we can't pay off the debt while we are wasting money renting, and so on and so on.

I wonder if these things worked themselves out, would I finally feel like an adult? Would I finally feel like I had some semblance of control over my life. Or do we always feel just a little bit lost?

Mother May I

My husband asked me permission to go out of state for a soccer game. I was a little surprised because I don't ask him for any permission to go out with my girlfriends. I know how important his guy time is and I cherish my girl time. I feel bad for other husband's who are actually afraid of their wives. I value my independence and while I do take his feelings into account when I do something, I don't like feeling caged or restricted. I still go to shows and party's by myself and don't mind if he does too. I told him if anything I just want to know how much money he is spending. I don't like my husband to be scared to ask me anything. I told him there is no reason to say no unless I am some crazy, selfish person.

While I don't like to restrict him I know I will be the kind of mom who says no to our kids. But my husband is not a child and I am not his mommy. His free spirit is one of the reasons that I love him. Whenever I get stuck in my ways he throws in his perspective and reminds me to value his opinion. Granting him permission to be himself sounds ludicrous.

Food = Love

There is an old saying the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Growing up dad always got the big piece of chicken and there was no shortage of food. My mother always cooked for ten people even though it was only 6. Now I have a hard time making smaller portions and pile on the food on my husband's plate. I cook traditional Mexican food and while I don't use all the lard my mom used; I don't skimp on the portions either. I don't want to make him fat; I just don't want to hear he is ever hungry after a meal. Yesterday I made him two bacon cheeseburgers with an extra side of bacon. He couldn't finish both so I know he was more than satisfied.

I don't mind special requests however I don't like critique of my cooking. There were plenty of times us kids told my mom, " I don't like that" and her response was "eat poop then." Making 3 meals day in and day out is taxing. Especially keeping is fresh and good for you. My husband cooks more than I do and I appreciate it so much. I eat pretty good on film sets I work on and make him a plate every chance I get. He gets jealous of he filet mignon lunches compared to his sandwich and chips, but I tell him it doesn't happen every day. I steal snacks from crafty and bring him his favorites. There is always leftovers so I get in good with catering and take trays full of food. One time I brought so much home my husband actually said "no more!" Food has so many memories for us, I try to make it special and good every chance I get. Our first date we shared some jerk chicken and I hope we don't stop sharing.

Smotherly Love

I am very close to my family. Some people may call that the ethnic in me, but I hold the relationship with my parents and siblings high on my priority list. Most times this benefits me. I feel I've grown a lot and am stronger for my close ties to them. I've even rubbed off on my husband, who is getting a reputation for being the thoughtful one of his brothers. I think how someone treats their family, the good and the bad of them, reflects a lot on how they will treat their spouse and even more on who they fundamentally are as a person. This extends to extended family and close friends as well.

However....

I'm beginning to feel a bit smothered. Is it just me or was there more opportunity to check out of family obligations prior to the "I do"? I don't begrudge every event, family get together, or family crisis, but lately I feel like dough that has been rolled out too thin. I can't remember the last weekend the husband and I have had to ourselves. This puts life into great perspective when I think of how bored I was as a kid when my parents didn't want to do anything "fun" over the weekends. Gosh, they must have been exhausted!

I feel like I am being run around in circles, between work and obligations, I am pretty sure I only see my husband in bed or when one or both of us is too sick to make other plans. I would like to spend weekends on just us, but inevitably,  someone will expect us over and we'll feel guilty if we put ourselves first.

Add to this my sister has been living with us, which is great and helpful, but sometimes suffocating. She has a tendency to run the house as if it were her own... Literally reprimanding me for whatever I do that doesn't meet her liking. I mean, its still my home right?

And my mom is already planning our anniversary? Not like a party, but like a family vacation. And its weird. Because, in my mind, I feel our anniversary should be a private time about us as a couple, not a big public event. I feel like I'm selfish if I want to just do something nice with the husband and I, but I also feel annoyed that we don't even get THIS day for ourselves.

Of course, one of the things I am super jealous of is not having a day for myself, I figured our anniversary can be this. My birthday is Christmas Eve, which invariably sucks because it typically means I am forgotten or that everyone is too busy to make me more than an afterthought. I figured our anniversary could be about what Hubs and I want, and we get the feel special. And while I would love a family vacation, one on our anniversary isn't about us much, is it?


The cherry on top, if you remember my taxes post, is that we want to get a house. I need my own space, and I don't want to settle for a place that doesn't fit us. So added to my brother's advice of getting a place in a less nice area is my in-laws advice and sales pitch of buying a house in the mountains (3-4 hours from work) that we can use sometimes on the weekends and the rest of the family can use when we're not.... Did I hear that right? Because this is like asking us to buy a vacation home for the family rather than-- yet again-- taking care of us.

I know what a chicken with its head cut off feels like.  So how do you learn to say no? How do you reconcile your needs with wanting to be nice and accommodating? This is my current journey.

Step 1, I am making 100 days about myself. In the next 100 days, I am going to focus on my husband and my wants and needs as a priority.  Its already a daunting task because neither of us like to disappoint anyone. So why do we keep allowing us to disregard ourselves?

Is this house my home?

Brian and I have been married for just about 5 months now and we have our next big goal: To move into our own home. Just 6 months ago I was obsessively watching 4 weddings, Say Yes to the Dress and compulsively clicking on wedding websites. You'll now find HDTV as a favorite'd channel on our Windows Media Center. In fact I've told Brian that Scott McGillivray, from the show Income Property, is now my TV Husband. There's just something about an intelligent man that can actually build things with his hands, but that's a big reason I love my Brian anyway.

So as of January we went and talked to a lender, got pre-approved for a loan, got ourselves a realtor and have been scouring online resources for new homes to visit. What we didn't realize is that we just missed the window of housing price lows, and what we had assumed would be a more than adequate budget has turned into minced meat. We find the houses we are attracted to are just above the price range we have settled on. It's an aggressive market where seller's can ask for much more than what their houses are appraised for or what comparable houses have gone for.

In fact, when talking to realtors we found ourselves in discussions about blind offers, unconventional methods of closing a deal, and offering much more than these over-bloated listing prices. When we first started this journey to find a home I was giddy about the experience, but as time moves on this experience is wearing on me. Brian and I have decided that while we are sick and tired of apartment living, and our ganja-loving neighbor, we don't want to make a purchase this large and feel this uncomfortable doing so. If we have to wait and save more money then so be it. In case you didn't know this a 20% down payment on a house saves you quite a bit of money on your mortage because you don't have to pay something called PMI (private mortage insurance). It adds a pretty penny to your monthly mortgage payments until you get to a 20% equity mark. If you don't have the 20% down a convential loan will save you a bit of money on PMI but your credit score needs to be solid. Anyhow, I've gotten off topic. Brian and I have made a couple promises to each other in this house-hunt:

1) We have to be able to purchase a home pretending that only one income can afford our everyday living expenses and the mortgage. It makes it harder to find a house but we don't want to he house-rich and cash-poor. We want to enjoy life and if we bind ourselves to a mortgage payment that is a beast, we will always be under the stress of making ends meet.

2) Location and school district are more important than finishes and square footage. While we all want both at the perfect price, it's a very difficult thing to achieve. I can buy a 2,200 square foot house on a half an acre lot at a steal of a price, but it will most likely be next to mental hospital or cemetery. It's all preference, but location is ours.

There are many things we want and prefer but everything, except the aforementioned, is negotiable. Sometimes I find myself getting slightly depressed over the large increase in prices, but I constantly remind myself that I am more than okay. Everything is great, and one day Brian and I will have our own home that we can start our family in. A home where I can bake pies and paint in an art room, a garage Brian can work on his car and store his outdoor toys, walls that will one day have crayon marks all over them and a backyard where we can hold outdoor movie nights. I am so ready for this part of our lives, but it's a good thing I have some semblance of a patient personality, otherwise I'd be more crazy than I normally am!

You + Me = us

Its been a little while since I've posted, though I have stopped and started posts too many times to count in the last 3 weeks. It wasn't writer's block so much as it was emotional exhaustion.

Here at the McB house, crises are as abundant as as snow in the mountains. Between being sick, my sister getting in a car accident, hubby's family dealing with a couple of major medical issues, I am plum worn out.

So what do you do when the world is shattering around you? You cling to the most stable thing around you and hope for the best. That's my husband. My stable thing.

I won't say I have the perfect husband. I'm sure we both have laundry lists of things we wish the other would improve on. I would give my eye teeth for more romance and I would not be surprised if he sold his soul to have me be the driver more. Yet our short comings are insignificant when compared to our dedication to each other's happiness.

I am starting to realize that in spite of our many years together before the wedding, we were never one entity or one force. We were always K or S. There was no guarantee.  Now its like an unspoken requirement that you choose your spouse's feelings and need above anyone else's. You are a team and if you want that to last, you work at developing this new joint identity.

Its a very strange metamorphosis, the blurring together into one. It doesn't happen all at once. Instead, the realization that you are less of a "me" and more of a "we" seems as natural as growing your hair. Soon people start treating you like you are a single being, as if all knowledge imparted to either of you is shared by osmosis.

Maybe it is.

At the very least there is a lot more intimate conversation. Or should be, if you expect the marriage to grow instead of shrivel.

Its not even weird to call him my husband anymore. People have stopped asking the dreaded "How's married life?" 7 months into marriage I now feel we are married.

That was then or is it now?

I love the forties & fifties fashion, music and the hopeful spirit of the American family. I have a friend who is completely immersed in that era and vacuums with a vintage machine in her high heels and vintage dress! Well I am not that obsessed I do find it hard to accept those that think old fashioned about my place in the kitchen. My whole purpose in life is not based on how clean I keep the house. I was actually disgusted at the pope's comments that sometimes a woman deserves a beating for not cooking, cleaning and keeping her husband happy! How ludicrous!

My husband knows I would rather go to work 12 hours a day than stay at home being a maid. There is more to life than pleasing others. One has to expand yourself and find those hidden talents. Often those are just as rewarding to others as much as it rewards yourself. Taking pride in being a contributing force is what makes people happy. And if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy.

These ads are lies making you think they know what being a good wife/woman is. The last one is so condescending implying all women are useless. But since I think these are foolish, I will have to chart my own, new way.

He's not heavy, he's my husband.

Being the big sister of the family, I always felt an obligation to help my younger siblings. After all, I had a high-paying job since I was 16 and have always shopped at thrift stores. My biggest expense was rent, and that was because I insisted on living in my own place. So, how did I get to the point where I can't support myself anymore? Up until now we have split everything right down the middle and I didn't live above my means. I want to be the feminist, Independant woman I claim to be. So why can't I keep my head above water? One thing is for sure is that I have put in plenty of hours at work. (I actually had a 22 hour work day this year and only got $100 for it!)

It makes me feel like such a burden to my family to not be able to give them any help. My mom says every couple goes through this when they are first starting out. But I feel like I have been eating Ramen for the past 10 years, when do we get a break? J reminded me that my hard work is paying off and I have nowhere to go but up. It had been weighing so heavily on my mind; it was a relief to finally have real support. For so long I made sure to always look out for myself and help family when I could. Now I have family to help me and just when I needed it most.

The State of the Union

Nothing can put more heat into a relationship, and not in a good way, as money and politics. Whether the politics are referring to the local or national government or the politics of any typical family, it is easy to ended up jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

So its tax season. People may tell you that one of the perks of getting married is the tax break. Well, I'm sure that happens once you have a house or 2 or three kids in the picture. However, for two hard working, able bodied, child free, renting, young Californians... You might be screwed.

It seems we are. I mentioned  in a previous post that we had done everything possible to not be a burden on others and to not go into debt over our wedding.

One of my plans of action was, unsurprisingly, to work my butt off. In addition to my normal day job, I freelance as a production designer and as a writer.  In order to defer the cost of our wedding, I freelanced a lot. Way more than usual. I ended up earning an extra $11,000 last year, which in turn was a magic number for a wedding and a nice honeymoon. The trouble with this type of work is taxes are taken on the back end and I could not anticipate jumping tax brackets so severely that the government would ask for 10k of that back at the end of the year.  With that extra 11K my taxes quintupled. How do you plan for that? How do you set aside that large of an increase? Well, it wasn't simply tax brackets, it was also joint property, more stringent rules for claiming student loan interest. This weekend we ran into the a+b+c = us being screwed.

This of course is not the end, we need to go to a tax guy (or gal) to work things out better. Maybe turbo tax was on crack. I had let my husband fill out the documents initially and he drastically underestimates our expenses, including what I can and should deduct for basically owning my own business. I wanted to set his mind at ease by seeing what numbers would come up if we filed married but separate. This is when panic set in. Because suddenly my standard deductions disappeared. I was staring at the horrid red numbers thinking, "where did I go wrong?" The answer was, we got married.

Lets face it, our American government is not exactly the most accommodating to people of my generation. Student loan debt is drowning many of those who might be our future leaders. People are failing to put down roots or get married because we just can't afford to. And the government wonders why the nation is in crisis. The education system has basically created a generation without hope, a dwindling middle class trying to keep its head above the water. Add to that, if you dare to brave a forward path, you will be given little to no assistance. It really makes you wonder why you work so hard. Suddenly, you have a lot more sympathy for those relying on welfare, because it seems the American economy would prefer its citizens to embrace that lifestyle.

I wonder, 100 years in the future, if the history books will talk about the American generation that stopped being. The ones who chose or were forced to revert to a child like existence. To move home in their 20's and 30's. The ones who could not afford to "have a life" so instead reverted to safer places like video games and Facebook. These are the people who might have magnified hope and lead progress. But instead, they have been crippled. Their path ripped out from under them.

You can probably guess I am frustrated. I think I went into a debt coma when I saw those numbers. I know once I recover I can be more proactive, but for the moment I am wallowing.

I know one of the reasons we waited as long as we did to get married was because of debt. I'm a good girl, my only debt is my student loan, but damn is it a whopper. Now, my scrimping and saving and working 12 hour days to make things a little easier for us had apparently been a trap waiting to be deployed.

All I could think about was my poor husband, and how are we going to get through this if we can't find ways to lower it? Well, I could empty out my piggy bank, so much for traveling to Poland to see his brother or having a down payment for a house in the near future. Thank you America for dooming us to stagnancy.

I told my brother, hoping for advice on a tax guy. Instead we got lectured about how we're doing "it" wrong. "It" being life. He told us we needed to buy a house, as though we didn't already know this. But where would the money come from? I mean the government wants my nest egg back. He suggested we find a cheap home in a bad neighborhood. I wondered if my safety would be a smart compromise for my financial well being. I mean, who wants to live in a neighborhood where they aren't happy to go outside for a walk. He suggested if not the "not so good" neighborhoods locally, perhaps we should move 2 hours away from our work to where prices are more reasonable. Again, I couldn't imagine much joy in a 4 hour a day commute to our offices. Jobs, I might add, that we love.

I expected my hubby to be grumpy. I sure was. I apologized to my parents in advance for being short and to friends and family for not driving to watch the Superbowl with them as gas is expensive. But Scott simply held me and told me its okay, we'll figure it out. Now, we'll scale back and take care of ourselves, rather than working to pay off loans that refuse to go down. He promised he'd find some way to keep my nest egg and coaxed me to put down my work for the night and instead play some video games and relax. Work will still be there tomorrow. He calmed me down, and hopefully, my creative thinking will kick in, and we can move past this bump. But I really cannot deny that  I have a wonderful husband.

On the upside, this learning experience has taught us, not to kill ourselves over repaying our debt, because all that hard work will come to bite us. All advances will be nullified. So simply. lets enjoy what time we have. Let take those 4 extra hours of work and make them 4 extra hours of play instead.  Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you work or how many extra hours you give to paying back your perceived debt. Maybe the most important thing our generation has left to cling to is our joy. Lets not let anything take that away from us.

Is it time for a contest yet?

My favorite time as a budget bride was when I got something for nothing... or next to nothing. This was because weddings were so much more expensive than I had ever dreamed! My husband and I were paying for the event ourselves, and wanted to stretch our money as much as possible for the important stuff like showing our parents a special time, without throwing ourselves into debt, which is no way to start a life together. I entered many contests, won a few great prizes, and learned a lot about myself in the process. Every little bit helped weave the fantasy into a reality. I was blessed by many good friends who offered their services and expertise to help fill out my baby budget.

I am also the girl who haphazardly ended up with 6-- count that-- 6 wedding dresses.

Now that the dust is settling on my life, it may be time to give back.

Over the next year or so we hope to raffle off some of our favorite pieces from our own weddings, and maybe a few brand new keepsakes and a brand new wedding gown to lucky blog readers and those who like our page on facebook and follow us on twitter.

So here goes:
After 30 Facebook Likes or 20 unique people's comments on the blog, we will raffle away our first prize.

So get liking! https://www.facebook.com/PaperTrailsMarriage

For now its a surprise, but its something every lady can use on her wedding day.

Throwing Out The Baby

I have gotten into such a locked battle over who was going to wash the dishes. I admit to throwing away those that were just too gross rather than touching them. eek! But I do my share of the chores, even though I feel like this picture sometimes.