Of Buns and Ovens

Nope not pregnant. Didn't mean to get you all excited. And no pregnancy isn't overwhelmingly on my brain. Neither is finding a house, which it had been for so long.  Instead we decided to focus on becoming debt free, so I took a good chunk out of the nest egg and put it towards our debts: car debt, credit card debt, woosh! vanished. Now we just have to conquer our student loans and look toward recovering that bit of nest egg while we consider where to build said nest.

We've been talking a lot about where we would like to see ourselves in five to ten years, and we both agree that if possible, we would like to be able to work part time only, and lead a slightly slower paced life focusing on personal projects that make us happy. This is on the tail of a rather dramatic and potentially traumatic (or amazing) patch of rough water in my office. While the drama does not directly involve me, it could potentially change my life for the better or the worse in the next month or so.  Insecurity is dangerous place to totter.

We've been talking a lot to my brother about financial issues etcetera. My brother, who makes three times more money than hubby and I, yet is 5 times more likely to have to borrow money, feels he is in a good position to tell us what we should be doing and why what we are doing is stupid... In any event, he has a beautiful new home with a pool, somewhere around the armpit of the golden coast and we in turn weigh our options. Because while 10 times the space we live in filled with every comfort a young couple could desire is tempting. Being able to walk to the beach, makes us pretty darn spoiled. As does the wonderfully breezy rarely sweltering climate, and access to food and culture and art within walking distance. Would we like a yard and a space that feels more like a home than a "place we stay"? Yes, absolutely. But we don't have school aged kids to think of in terms of space and convenience. Nor are we particularly invested in any one area. And in August, my brothers Mc Mansion will be his only respite from the Mc Oven of the Inland Empire.

We've actually been considering saving up and buying a hippie farm somewhere near Santa Barbara. We'd purchase the land outright and basically create our own community of homes filled with neighbors we want to spend the rest of our life sharing coffee and wine with. This is not simply the dream, this is the goal for the next ten years. We'd have to consider the specifics of where so that we can financially survive while still having the conveniences and luxuries we need.

And on to that bun portion of this rhapsody or diatribe, as you will...Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? If you haven't please rent it prior to reading this. Hubby was recently talking to an old friend from high school, who hadn't done much since then. No great goals, no grand ideas, a few stints in jail perhaps. Basically the only thing this person had done with his life is breed. Please forgive this next judgmental assertion: When I look at the breeders in my life, those who's goal is to personally "fill the earth and subdue it" 99% have little to no motivation, education, or vision.  Its like the only mark they plan to leave behind when they die, is a long line of offspring. This in itself would not be so bad, if the intellectuals I know were also breeders. Unfortunately most of them are too busy pursuing life's treasures to treasure the life they could bring into it. The slippery slope of Idiocracy is that world is eventually populated by the lowest common denominator of humanity. This premise feels very... prophetic these days. So we have decided, we probably really need to have at least one kid. Of course we can change our mind tomorrow, but lately this has been the conclusion.

It isn't that we're exactly trying to have kids, but we've switched our perspective to not actively trying not to, if that makes sense. The good little former health educator in me, knows exactly what should be done to not get pregnant. So playing fast and loose (wow, now that's a gross pun) is a huge step for us in an effort to save humanity from its otherwise impending doom. At this point if we get pregnant it is neither on accident, or on purpose, it simply is. This is basically procreation Russian Roulette.

Its nearly our one year anniversary.  No one was kidding that time starts flying. I can't believe it. I still feel so much like a newly wed, only now I can offer sagely advice. I think the the strangest part has been my shift in perception. I am admittedly a perfectionist, and was therefore disappointed that my wedding wasn't as perfect as I would have liked. I tend to invest a lot of myself in the things I put my name on, and expect myself to accomplish the impossible. For some people my wedding was just that. My mom reminisces all the time about it being the most beautiful wedding she had ever attended, but then again, she's my mom. I think I did the best I could for spending as little as I spent. But the downside of wedding season is you cannot help but compare what you accomplished to what others did. I know my particular mental issues left me hyper critical of everything that went wrong-- which there were so few and so many things all at once.

I didn't dislike my wedding, I just left it a bit unfulfilled. Maybe because it took me months to unwind afterwards. Maybe because I was hypersensitive to what I wanted that was missing or changed out of necessity.  Maybe because it didn't live up to being the "Best Day of My life" because although it was a beautiful day and I love my husband very much, I don't define myself by being married. However, eleven months into being married,  I find myself thinking back on the day with more rose colored hues than I did 11, 6, or even 3 months ago. Almost a year into wedded life and the stress of throwing a wedding is finally diminishing and I can appreciate the day for what it was. I appreciate it for the simplicity and meaning and time spent with those I love the most. I appreciate my two amazing bachelorette parties thrown by my two amazing maids of honor. I appreciate the giant slumber party in the venue the night before that culminated with me and my besty blowing bubbles and singing "Somewhere Out There" and the late night BBQ. I appreciate the early mornings with my mother watching the fog roll out of the valley below us, and the really bad karaoke that followed the end of the reception. I appreciate the contentment in my father's face and the light in my hubby's eyes when he saw me. A year after my wedding, I am beginning to fall in love with it. Perhaps five years down the road I will remember it as the best day of my life.

I guess the theme if this blog today is that life is anything but certain. Certainty comes when life is in the past. Looking back at choices, our visions is 20/20. But looking forward it always feels so hazy. For the moment, there is the semblance of contentment before the next big wave washes me out to sea or carries me back to the shore.

The State of the Union

Nothing can put more heat into a relationship, and not in a good way, as money and politics. Whether the politics are referring to the local or national government or the politics of any typical family, it is easy to ended up jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

So its tax season. People may tell you that one of the perks of getting married is the tax break. Well, I'm sure that happens once you have a house or 2 or three kids in the picture. However, for two hard working, able bodied, child free, renting, young Californians... You might be screwed.

It seems we are. I mentioned  in a previous post that we had done everything possible to not be a burden on others and to not go into debt over our wedding.

One of my plans of action was, unsurprisingly, to work my butt off. In addition to my normal day job, I freelance as a production designer and as a writer.  In order to defer the cost of our wedding, I freelanced a lot. Way more than usual. I ended up earning an extra $11,000 last year, which in turn was a magic number for a wedding and a nice honeymoon. The trouble with this type of work is taxes are taken on the back end and I could not anticipate jumping tax brackets so severely that the government would ask for 10k of that back at the end of the year.  With that extra 11K my taxes quintupled. How do you plan for that? How do you set aside that large of an increase? Well, it wasn't simply tax brackets, it was also joint property, more stringent rules for claiming student loan interest. This weekend we ran into the a+b+c = us being screwed.

This of course is not the end, we need to go to a tax guy (or gal) to work things out better. Maybe turbo tax was on crack. I had let my husband fill out the documents initially and he drastically underestimates our expenses, including what I can and should deduct for basically owning my own business. I wanted to set his mind at ease by seeing what numbers would come up if we filed married but separate. This is when panic set in. Because suddenly my standard deductions disappeared. I was staring at the horrid red numbers thinking, "where did I go wrong?" The answer was, we got married.

Lets face it, our American government is not exactly the most accommodating to people of my generation. Student loan debt is drowning many of those who might be our future leaders. People are failing to put down roots or get married because we just can't afford to. And the government wonders why the nation is in crisis. The education system has basically created a generation without hope, a dwindling middle class trying to keep its head above the water. Add to that, if you dare to brave a forward path, you will be given little to no assistance. It really makes you wonder why you work so hard. Suddenly, you have a lot more sympathy for those relying on welfare, because it seems the American economy would prefer its citizens to embrace that lifestyle.

I wonder, 100 years in the future, if the history books will talk about the American generation that stopped being. The ones who chose or were forced to revert to a child like existence. To move home in their 20's and 30's. The ones who could not afford to "have a life" so instead reverted to safer places like video games and Facebook. These are the people who might have magnified hope and lead progress. But instead, they have been crippled. Their path ripped out from under them.

You can probably guess I am frustrated. I think I went into a debt coma when I saw those numbers. I know once I recover I can be more proactive, but for the moment I am wallowing.

I know one of the reasons we waited as long as we did to get married was because of debt. I'm a good girl, my only debt is my student loan, but damn is it a whopper. Now, my scrimping and saving and working 12 hour days to make things a little easier for us had apparently been a trap waiting to be deployed.

All I could think about was my poor husband, and how are we going to get through this if we can't find ways to lower it? Well, I could empty out my piggy bank, so much for traveling to Poland to see his brother or having a down payment for a house in the near future. Thank you America for dooming us to stagnancy.

I told my brother, hoping for advice on a tax guy. Instead we got lectured about how we're doing "it" wrong. "It" being life. He told us we needed to buy a house, as though we didn't already know this. But where would the money come from? I mean the government wants my nest egg back. He suggested we find a cheap home in a bad neighborhood. I wondered if my safety would be a smart compromise for my financial well being. I mean, who wants to live in a neighborhood where they aren't happy to go outside for a walk. He suggested if not the "not so good" neighborhoods locally, perhaps we should move 2 hours away from our work to where prices are more reasonable. Again, I couldn't imagine much joy in a 4 hour a day commute to our offices. Jobs, I might add, that we love.

I expected my hubby to be grumpy. I sure was. I apologized to my parents in advance for being short and to friends and family for not driving to watch the Superbowl with them as gas is expensive. But Scott simply held me and told me its okay, we'll figure it out. Now, we'll scale back and take care of ourselves, rather than working to pay off loans that refuse to go down. He promised he'd find some way to keep my nest egg and coaxed me to put down my work for the night and instead play some video games and relax. Work will still be there tomorrow. He calmed me down, and hopefully, my creative thinking will kick in, and we can move past this bump. But I really cannot deny that  I have a wonderful husband.

On the upside, this learning experience has taught us, not to kill ourselves over repaying our debt, because all that hard work will come to bite us. All advances will be nullified. So simply. lets enjoy what time we have. Let take those 4 extra hours of work and make them 4 extra hours of play instead.  Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you work or how many extra hours you give to paying back your perceived debt. Maybe the most important thing our generation has left to cling to is our joy. Lets not let anything take that away from us.

The Shoe String Budget Bride

No one ever prepared me for how expensive weddings were. Since I was atypical and not the wedding dreamer type, I had never done research into the subject until I was engaged. The truth is, I used to believe spending $10,000 on a one day even was only for those willing to go over the top. Thanks to my naivete, I was probably more insensitive than I should be to friends and acquaintances who were heading to the alter. I will admit, I was offended by weddings I wasn't invited to, and have, on at least one occasion, RSVP'd and failed to show.

Of course I sent a present, but now I know that that simply is not enough.

The average wedding in Southern California today is $26,000.

At that rate you might never get married. In the peak of a recession who has that kind of money to spend frivolously? I mean, I'm still hiding under rocks from my student loan debt.

This being the case, the Mr. and I tried to be as practical as possible about our decision for a wedding. We wanted to keep a budget that we would be able to pay for out right rather than pay off for years to come. We didn't have family money to fall back on, so we had to plan a wedding without our heads in the clouds.

Of course, I am also a princess.

I refused to look back on our wedding with regrets of "Oh I wish we did something nice" as I looked at the crayola drawn photographs of the Little Cesar's Pizza and Entemans cake we might have served.   Overkill? Yeah, probably.

I'm sure you could throw a wedding for cheaper than we did, and if you can and are content to do so, Awesome! I would love to hear your story or advice for other brides.In fact, had we done a cruise wedding like we initially planned, we could have gotten by with about $2000 cheaper, but also would have had less guests.  I am fairly proud of what we made possible with our bitty budget.

The magic number was $6500. It was to include clothes, food, lodging, decoration, drinks, and any other expense for the day sans my engagement ring. It was a number that had me and the hubby setting aside between $500-$700 a month without drastically hurting our lifestyle or running up our credit cards.

We did a lot of things ourselves. I still scoured the bridal blogs for ideas, and when I came accross something I loved, I researched how to make it happen for less.
 
We ended up having a stunning 4th of July wedding for 100 guests, complete with a full meal, harpist, a designer gown (never worn), custom cake, and lodging for immediate family and wedding party (25 people) for 4 days at a beautiful bed and breakfast. The moral is: With perseverance anything can be done.

Finding the perfect location was a priority. The view from the reception site.

So here are my rules for getting the most bang for your buck in no particular order:

1. Be honest with yourself. If you have to have something, make sure you set a budget than can accommodate it. If you can't afford it, be honest with yourself with what you can afford.

2. Prioritize. Location was key for us. I wanted a location that spoke to who we were as a couple, and I wanted that location to include at least an overnight stay for us and our parents. It was important to me that I found a place that would allow us to treat our families to the comfort they deserved. I set aside nearly half my budget for this and providing our family with their getaway. So (back to point 1) I knew the remainder of my wedding could cost no more than $3500 and had to be honest with myself about what was still doable at that point.

Our unity sand was found on Ebay for half the price it was on Etsy.

Our Amazing Harpist

3. Be honest with your vendors. I would walk into a meeting with a vendor with my absolute budget range for their services. If they couldn't meet it or work with me, I knew I had to walk away. The truth is that sometimes explaining your situation makes vendors willing to work with you. We were blessed with a phenomenal baker, photographer, and musician because we were open and honest and gave them reason to want to work with us. I actually asked our photographer to keep me on standby, if she didn't find a better paying gig 3 weeks before hand, would she consider working with us under budget. She agreed and was probably one of the best things about my wedding.

My hundred dollar dress and the homemade wood and brooch bouquet.

4.  Ebay is your friend. I don't know why no one remembers this for your wedding. Ebay is filled with brides who have left over decor and favors at a fraction of the cost. More amazing-- if you know your size and the styles/designers you like, many bridal shops that close offer their inventory here at a fraction of the cost. I was able to score a $1400 Maggie Sottero for $100 that I wore on my wedding day. Because I hadn't realized how easy it was to win a designer dress this way, I also bid on 4 more $1000+ Watters dresses and won them for even less. Later in the blog we will be raffling off these new designer dresses to lucky blog readers.

5. Etsy may be your enemy. Do your research sometimes you can find the same items there for half the price on Amazon. Some deals are good here. Mainly, Etsy is good for DIY ideas which leads us to...

6. When in doubt, do it yourself. There are plenty of online tutorials that will assist in your decorating needs. Sites like the dollar tree and save-oncrafts.com can truly be lifesavers.

7. Ask for help. You never know who knows someone who knows someone or who has special hidden talents they are willing to donate. We had DJ and Videographer on donated time.

8. A little creativity goes a long way. For the creative types: Florists, Bakers, photographers-- Allowing them some creative freedom allows them to get excited about your wedding. You will find they are much more willing to work with you upgrading your package for free even, if you give them a project they can get excited about. For example. Our baker loved the cake idea and upgraded the cake in order to execute it for her portfolio. Think creatively about your personal choices as well. Do you need to have your reception in a Hall? Or would a Coffee shop be more fun? Creative decisions can save big $$$$.

9. No one is superwoman. Forgive yourself for moments that you are overwhelmed. Its unfortunate that it happens, but it happens to us all.  Remember a wedding is about both you and the hubby, so when you feel you have too much on your plate, don't feel guilty sharing the burden.

10. You don't have to say yes. If you have any doubt, either because of cost or simply because of a bad feeling about any of your vendors, it is your right to walk away. There will always be other photographers, bakers, and locations.  You need to feel comfortable with your choices in order to truly enjoy your wedding.

11. Stay true to you. Everyone in the world will tell you what your wedding should be. Most of them are wrong. Your wedding is about you and your love. Celebrate that however you want. Regardless if you spend $50 or  $50,000, your wedding will be beautiful because it is a reflection of you.


xoxo!
Kristy Winter

Are We Really Married?

As a little girl (or boy) you might dream of the elements that make a perfect wedding and a perfect marriage... Or maybe you didn't. Maybe you only imagined what it would be like once you had the ring on your finger. I think I fell into the latter category.

To be honest, I never really pictured myself married. It wasn't that I didn't believe in marriage. Its just that I had always assumed myself too complicated to keep someone else content. I'm not sure if that sounds like low self worth? It isn't. I just always knew that I would follow my dreams and pursue my career. In my mind, married women tended houses and were contented simply being a wife or a mother. These were many of the married friends I saw. Those who went to college to get their MRS. degree and then fell off the planet. They didn't pursue their careers or follow their dreams, because who would put up with that?  Or maybe it was because being married--being a wife and mother was what their dreams amounted to. I always saw myself traveling the world, making movies, writing books, and adopting kids.

I won't say that this changed when I met my husband, but I will say that I found my best friend. S. was someone who loved me for having dreams and being complicated. He was someone who supported my goals, appreciated  my craziness, and encouraged me to run headlong into the future. For six years we made an incredible partnership. Supporting each other, balancing each other, and creating a strong foundation for a future together.

I won't lie, after 7 years together everyone around you gets antsy for marriage. Not just you two as a couple, but every mother, father aunt, boss, teacher, friend, etc who has been beside you through the relationship. After our first year together, we were committed. I had a promise ring which came with the notion that once we finished school, paid our debts, and had the means for a future, we would make our commitment official. That was good enough for us, but it really bothered our family.  Marriage in many ways becomes about the people around you. It weird how people want to dictate other's lives and relationships. I am sure it is because they feel they are looking out for your best interest. The truth is that these proddings do more damage to a relationship than benefit. They make you doubt what you are personally sure of.

That girl who believed she was too complicated to settle down crept back into my mind after I had finished grad school and was finding my footing as an adult not as sure as I had imagined it would be as a child...And that is the moment he decided to propose. Life doesn't happen on any particular time frame. It doesn't happen while you are simply waiting for it to occur.

We planned our wedding in 9 months and it wasn't the lace and frills you might imagine it would be. But it wasn't cool-aid and a second hand gown. It wasn't what we planned, it wasn't what we dreamed of, yet it was almost perfect for us. Planning a wedding is complicated, and I will get into that in another post.

I am really lucky to have married my best friend. I'm lucky to find someone who supports my craziness and my goals. I married the genuinely nicest guy I know.

There were plenty of bumps in the road along the way-- I think that is the nature of the beast. Nevertheless, everything passed by in a blur.

My mother took home the paperwork from our minister. I've never seen our wedding certificate. For all I know, we may not even be married yet... After 7 years together and 3 months of (hopefully) marriage, we are leaving on our honeymoon... finally. Afterwards we'll swing by the records office and see if we can pick up a copy of our certificate and change my name to Mrs. Mr. Or maybe we'll find out we aren't actually married. Then we can plan our elopement that we might have had if it wasn't for everyone else. :P

Did you picture your wedding before you found your significant other? If so how much did it live up to your imagination?