Falling in the Toilet at 1 in the Morning

When you think of married couples (or cohabiting couples) what is the most stereotypical and common quarrel that comes to mind? Well for me it's either "Why are your dirty socks on the living room floor?" or a variation of it. A day before my mom's birthday, which was a few weeks ago, Brian and I got in our first brawl as a married couple. After a day of being lazy I looked around our apartment and felt I was in the middle of a hoarders episode. The dishes in the sink were piled high, the dirty clothes were brimming outside of their hampers, each visible counter was cluttered with papers, cups or some type of electronics, and it all made me feel as if I were going insane. It takes pure unadulterated avoidance behavior to let your living quarters get to that point, so I got up and started cleaning one thing at a time. My hubby was busy helping me with my mom's gift so I stayed quiet when he didn't get up to help me around the house, which was only fair, BUT it made me start thinking of other times I felt that I was doing more of the household chores, how many times I was the one to initiate the cleaning and how I felt I was always nagging about something that needed to be done or put away. That's when the resentment started pouring in, and I stayed quiet, letting it simmer within me. It was the wrong thing to do, but I didn't let that stop me. I remembered that time in the middle of the night when half asleep I stumbled into the restroom and I fell into the toilet because someone forgot to leave the toilet seat down. Then there was that time that I excitedly grabbed the fruit snack box in the cabinet only to find that it was empty, but left there, lying about its contents. Oh and that time that I almost stepped on the hand saw left in the office after a hurried DIY project was completed. All things I had asked him to either put down, throw away or put away. So many different little things were rushing through my head and all the while I stayed deathly quiet. After a full night of giving one to two word answers Brian asked what was wrong, and then I broke. I started yelling about how I felt like at times I was acting more like mom than a wife and how I would appreciate some more help. He quietly listened, as he hardly ever yells, and then reminded me that I can do some of the same things I was accusing him of. It hadn't dawned upon me that was ever the case, and I felt a bit embarrassed for not thinking of it. I kept arguing anyway because of the anger that I had held in all day. Since we started this argument as we were about to fall asleep I had to stop myself and at least give him a hug before I fell asleep, even if I was still a bit angry and things felt unresolved. As soon as I did things felt a bit better and lighter. The next day we had a calm conversation about the root of the matter. While I realize these things such as cleaning up and putting things away may seem shallow, it was really the case of treating each other with respect and understanding that both partners need to work in unison in even the most mundane chores. I was reminded that 1) its plain silly to keep these things in and let yourself hold in anger, 2) sometimes we can forget that we ourselves are guilty of the things we accuse others of and 3) be honest about the things that bother you, but of course in a tactful way. As always I will keep learning about myself and about us as a couple. Just thought I would share those little yet very real fights that we all seem to have. One last thing I learned, don't drink 32 ounces of water about an hour before you fall asleep, it helps with the not falling in the toilet dilemma.

The Shoe String Budget Bride

No one ever prepared me for how expensive weddings were. Since I was atypical and not the wedding dreamer type, I had never done research into the subject until I was engaged. The truth is, I used to believe spending $10,000 on a one day even was only for those willing to go over the top. Thanks to my naivete, I was probably more insensitive than I should be to friends and acquaintances who were heading to the alter. I will admit, I was offended by weddings I wasn't invited to, and have, on at least one occasion, RSVP'd and failed to show.

Of course I sent a present, but now I know that that simply is not enough.

The average wedding in Southern California today is $26,000.

At that rate you might never get married. In the peak of a recession who has that kind of money to spend frivolously? I mean, I'm still hiding under rocks from my student loan debt.

This being the case, the Mr. and I tried to be as practical as possible about our decision for a wedding. We wanted to keep a budget that we would be able to pay for out right rather than pay off for years to come. We didn't have family money to fall back on, so we had to plan a wedding without our heads in the clouds.

Of course, I am also a princess.

I refused to look back on our wedding with regrets of "Oh I wish we did something nice" as I looked at the crayola drawn photographs of the Little Cesar's Pizza and Entemans cake we might have served.   Overkill? Yeah, probably.

I'm sure you could throw a wedding for cheaper than we did, and if you can and are content to do so, Awesome! I would love to hear your story or advice for other brides.In fact, had we done a cruise wedding like we initially planned, we could have gotten by with about $2000 cheaper, but also would have had less guests.  I am fairly proud of what we made possible with our bitty budget.

The magic number was $6500. It was to include clothes, food, lodging, decoration, drinks, and any other expense for the day sans my engagement ring. It was a number that had me and the hubby setting aside between $500-$700 a month without drastically hurting our lifestyle or running up our credit cards.

We did a lot of things ourselves. I still scoured the bridal blogs for ideas, and when I came accross something I loved, I researched how to make it happen for less.
 
We ended up having a stunning 4th of July wedding for 100 guests, complete with a full meal, harpist, a designer gown (never worn), custom cake, and lodging for immediate family and wedding party (25 people) for 4 days at a beautiful bed and breakfast. The moral is: With perseverance anything can be done.

Finding the perfect location was a priority. The view from the reception site.

So here are my rules for getting the most bang for your buck in no particular order:

1. Be honest with yourself. If you have to have something, make sure you set a budget than can accommodate it. If you can't afford it, be honest with yourself with what you can afford.

2. Prioritize. Location was key for us. I wanted a location that spoke to who we were as a couple, and I wanted that location to include at least an overnight stay for us and our parents. It was important to me that I found a place that would allow us to treat our families to the comfort they deserved. I set aside nearly half my budget for this and providing our family with their getaway. So (back to point 1) I knew the remainder of my wedding could cost no more than $3500 and had to be honest with myself about what was still doable at that point.

Our unity sand was found on Ebay for half the price it was on Etsy.

Our Amazing Harpist

3. Be honest with your vendors. I would walk into a meeting with a vendor with my absolute budget range for their services. If they couldn't meet it or work with me, I knew I had to walk away. The truth is that sometimes explaining your situation makes vendors willing to work with you. We were blessed with a phenomenal baker, photographer, and musician because we were open and honest and gave them reason to want to work with us. I actually asked our photographer to keep me on standby, if she didn't find a better paying gig 3 weeks before hand, would she consider working with us under budget. She agreed and was probably one of the best things about my wedding.

My hundred dollar dress and the homemade wood and brooch bouquet.

4.  Ebay is your friend. I don't know why no one remembers this for your wedding. Ebay is filled with brides who have left over decor and favors at a fraction of the cost. More amazing-- if you know your size and the styles/designers you like, many bridal shops that close offer their inventory here at a fraction of the cost. I was able to score a $1400 Maggie Sottero for $100 that I wore on my wedding day. Because I hadn't realized how easy it was to win a designer dress this way, I also bid on 4 more $1000+ Watters dresses and won them for even less. Later in the blog we will be raffling off these new designer dresses to lucky blog readers.

5. Etsy may be your enemy. Do your research sometimes you can find the same items there for half the price on Amazon. Some deals are good here. Mainly, Etsy is good for DIY ideas which leads us to...

6. When in doubt, do it yourself. There are plenty of online tutorials that will assist in your decorating needs. Sites like the dollar tree and save-oncrafts.com can truly be lifesavers.

7. Ask for help. You never know who knows someone who knows someone or who has special hidden talents they are willing to donate. We had DJ and Videographer on donated time.

8. A little creativity goes a long way. For the creative types: Florists, Bakers, photographers-- Allowing them some creative freedom allows them to get excited about your wedding. You will find they are much more willing to work with you upgrading your package for free even, if you give them a project they can get excited about. For example. Our baker loved the cake idea and upgraded the cake in order to execute it for her portfolio. Think creatively about your personal choices as well. Do you need to have your reception in a Hall? Or would a Coffee shop be more fun? Creative decisions can save big $$$$.

9. No one is superwoman. Forgive yourself for moments that you are overwhelmed. Its unfortunate that it happens, but it happens to us all.  Remember a wedding is about both you and the hubby, so when you feel you have too much on your plate, don't feel guilty sharing the burden.

10. You don't have to say yes. If you have any doubt, either because of cost or simply because of a bad feeling about any of your vendors, it is your right to walk away. There will always be other photographers, bakers, and locations.  You need to feel comfortable with your choices in order to truly enjoy your wedding.

11. Stay true to you. Everyone in the world will tell you what your wedding should be. Most of them are wrong. Your wedding is about you and your love. Celebrate that however you want. Regardless if you spend $50 or  $50,000, your wedding will be beautiful because it is a reflection of you.


xoxo!
Kristy Winter

It Was Like a Blissful Dream (but Occasionally a Nightmare)

I got engaged in October (2011) on a rainy day in Paris. It was the most surreal and wonderful day of my life up until that point. After sobering up from my engagement haze, and getting back into the grove of work a few weeks later, the dread of planning my own wedding started setting in. Everyone had given me hugs, kisses and huge smiles, but soon after a down pouring of advice and warnings. These included: "You gotta get that dress NOW..its literally takes months to make!", "Venue first, venue first!", "What's your budget?" and "You know some people just won't show up". I bit my fingernails and opened my laptop, doing the one thing I knew how to do...excel spreadsheets and word documents.

The way I dealt with my party planning, because really that's what the wedding becomes (the biggest party you'll ever throw unless you elope), was to methodically organize it one step at a time. I used Google Drive to set up folders for cake, flowers, dresses, venues, budget and more. I researched questions and yelped/project wedding'd the hell out vendors. 'Here comes the guide' was my best friend for a few months towards the beginning, but we fell out of touch as time went on. Spurts of energy would be spent on finding a vendor and then I would procrastinate, kind of like interval training. Before I knew it I had 4 months until I was to be married.

When those 4 months hit I had many of the big items checked off my list but many small things hadn't even been looked at. During this time I have to admit I had my days where I was a little devil and I'm surprised my husband didn't tell me to "Chill the f*ck out" Jules Winnfield Style. I regret having my tantrums because it really took away from the experience and the meaning of our day. To my husband's credit, and speaking to his good nature, he calmed me down and we got through each step together. After admitting that I felt I was doing all the heavy loading he took responsibility for photographer, cake, video and he gave even more great input.

 Not all things during the planning were stressful, in fact there were quite a few things that were extremely fun and interesting. We enjoyed making our own favors, invitations, gift card holder and signs. We especially enjoyed the cake tasting, and once we choose our cake/cupcake vendor we made multiple stops, you know for quality control. Our photographer was also a lot of fun to meet and we loved looking at our engagement pictures when they came in, as they made us excited for our actual wedding photos.

The birdhouse/gift card holder we made.

Finally the day had come upon us, September 30th (almost a full year after the date of the proposal), and the night before I had one of my worst nights ever. My sister came over to my hotel room for a sleepover and it made me really happy because it felt like when we were 10 and sharing a room together, when things felt simple. I really needed simple because my nerves were frayed and I kept staring at my schedule for the big day, over and over. That night I couldn't fall asleep because my mind wouldn't turn off and when I finally did fall asleep I woke up only a few hours later to my whole left arm going numb, and I kept closing my eyes having visions that I was getting married without my arms. A close friend of mine told me I probably was having a panic attack, and I really don't know but it was terrifying.

As the day started with my hair and makeup, everything started going in fast forward. One minute I was in my hotel running around looking for my bracelet, the next second I was slipping on my dress and then all of a sudden I heard my entrance song. Though time really did stop when I looked up and saw Brian and he mouthed "Oh My Gosh" and started crying, it was my favorite part of the day and that sounds odd because he was crying, but I stand by it.

The rest of the day went like clockwork, and I think I just got really lucky. Only one person decided not to show up and no one ended up showing up late even though it was supposed to be Carmageddon 2. My mind felt like a well tuned timepiece counting down everything until our last dance which I relished because the song was beautiful and I let myself be in the moment.

If I had to give one piece of advice on what to do for your wedding it would be what many people told me, and something I didn't heed very well, and that is to really enjoy yourself and be in the moment. I was so wrapped up in details and coordination that it was hard to unwind. I'm sure no one will remember the napkin colors, if you had Peonies or not, or if your bridesmaids wore matching shoes. They will however remember the overall feelings and imprint of the day, and if you are happy and truly in love, then I believe they will have a great time.  The day after the wedding I remember thinking of our vows, the speeches and little beautiful scenes at the wedding and I started to cry.

Reciting our vows we wrote ourselves.

I finally let myself soak in all that emotion and love and I cried happy tears. Cheesy I know, but true.

End of the night.

A Prelude

I think of Dr. Monica Palomo often, I mean without her I wouldn't have met the man I am married to today. No she wasn't a matchmaker or a mutual friend. In fact she was our water engineering professor. Yes we started this romantic relationship discussing sedimentary tanks and sludge removal. Dr. Palomo, half way through our school quarter, grouped our class based on our last names. Powell, Renteria and others were smacked together to design a water treatment plant. I defaulted into the group leader because the guys liked my organization, which really meant they were too lazy or indifferent to take over. At first I didn't like Brian because well I thought he didn't like me. At one point there was a design meeting in which I swore he called me a B*tch because I had disagreed with him over some semantics (and it wasn't until much later that I found out he had only been muttering about the assignment and it had nothing to do with me). I left that meeting thinking "I can't wait for this quarter to finish so I never have to see his face again!" The rest of the quarter wasn't progressing much better, but one day as I stared at my gmail chat I saw his name and that little green bubble signifying "I'm here". For some reason I felt compelled to chat with him, so it started off with the obvious school stuff, but it turned into fun chit chat about our favorite snacks and movies. At the time I had just started a new romantic relationship, so it was off limits to take the fun chatting too far, but our path to friendship finally started. By the end of the quarter we had done so well on our small project that Dr. Palomo asked us to compete at a national civil engineering conference as a team. Most of the guys couldn't make it, or bailed on me, except for Brian and one other group member. This meant long hours writing a technical paper, putting together a presentation and practicing our speeches. Little did I know that my feelings for him were going to grow at such an exponential rate. Meanwhile my new boyfriend and I were not emotionally connecting, and with him living far away, I started to grow distant. In no time, about a couple of months together, I decided to end that relationship so neither of us would get hurt or angry. Honestly speaking I knew that the potential of that relationship paled in comparison to the spark I felt with Brian. As the new year started I was able to admit to my growing affection to Brian, but it really took no courage on my part because he had admitted he liked me beforehand. On his birthday, January 9th, we went on our first date which included skydiving, the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway and finally dinner. As we sat there having dinner at the restaurant at the top of the tramway we didn't speak much but it was one of the most romantic dinners I've ever had. Although he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend at that point I consider it the starting point to our love and relationship.

A few months later we got to Kansas City, Missouri (great city for BBQ) and we gave our best shot at that competition we had devoted so much time to. We came in second place to some school I can't even remember the name of anymore. What a headache that project was, but I still want to thank Dr. Palomo every day.