I am very close to my family. Some people may call that the ethnic in me, but I hold the relationship with my parents and siblings high on my priority list. Most times this benefits me. I feel I've grown a lot and am stronger for my close ties to them. I've even rubbed off on my husband, who is getting a reputation for being the thoughtful one of his brothers. I think how someone treats their family, the good and the bad of them, reflects a lot on how they will treat their spouse and even more on who they fundamentally are as a person. This extends to extended family and close friends as well.
However....
I'm beginning to feel a bit smothered. Is it just me or was there more opportunity to check out of family obligations prior to the "I do"? I don't begrudge every event, family get together, or family crisis, but lately I feel like dough that has been rolled out too thin. I can't remember the last weekend the husband and I have had to ourselves. This puts life into great perspective when I think of how bored I was as a kid when my parents didn't want to do anything "fun" over the weekends. Gosh, they must have been exhausted!
I feel like I am being run around in circles, between work and obligations, I am pretty sure I only see my husband in bed or when one or both of us is too sick to make other plans. I would like to spend weekends on just us, but inevitably, someone will expect us over and we'll feel guilty if we put ourselves first.
Add to this my sister has been living with us, which is great and helpful, but sometimes suffocating. She has a tendency to run the house as if it were her own... Literally reprimanding me for whatever I do that doesn't meet her liking. I mean, its still my home right?
And my mom is already planning our anniversary? Not like a party, but like a family vacation. And its weird. Because, in my mind, I feel our anniversary should be a private time about us as a couple, not a big public event. I feel like I'm selfish if I want to just do something nice with the husband and I, but I also feel annoyed that we don't even get THIS day for ourselves.
Of course, one of the things I am super jealous of is not having a day for myself, I figured our anniversary can be this. My birthday is Christmas Eve, which invariably sucks because it typically means I am forgotten or that everyone is too busy to make me more than an afterthought. I figured our anniversary could be about what Hubs and I want, and we get the feel special. And while I would love a family vacation, one on our anniversary isn't about us much, is it?
The cherry on top, if you remember my taxes post, is that we want to get a house. I need my own space, and I don't want to settle for a place that doesn't fit us. So added to my brother's advice of getting a place in a less nice area is my in-laws advice and sales pitch of buying a house in the mountains (3-4 hours from work) that we can use sometimes on the weekends and the rest of the family can use when we're not.... Did I hear that right? Because this is like asking us to buy a vacation home for the family rather than-- yet again-- taking care of us.
I know what a chicken with its head cut off feels like. So how do you learn to say no? How do you reconcile your needs with wanting to be nice and accommodating? This is my current journey.
Step 1, I am making 100 days about myself. In the next 100 days, I am going to focus on my husband and my wants and needs as a priority. Its already a daunting task because neither of us like to disappoint anyone. So why do we keep allowing us to disregard ourselves?
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Monday, March 4, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The Shoe String Budget Bride
No one ever prepared me for how expensive weddings were. Since I was atypical and not the wedding dreamer type, I had never done research into the subject until I was engaged. The truth is, I used to believe spending $10,000 on a one day even was only for those willing to go over the top. Thanks to my naivete, I was probably more insensitive than I should be to friends and acquaintances who were heading to the alter. I will admit, I was offended by weddings I wasn't invited to, and have, on at least one occasion, RSVP'd and failed to show.
Of course I sent a present, but now I know that that simply is not enough.
The average wedding in Southern California today is $26,000.
At that rate you might never get married. In the peak of a recession who has that kind of money to spend frivolously? I mean, I'm still hiding under rocks from my student loan debt.
This being the case, the Mr. and I tried to be as practical as possible about our decision for a wedding. We wanted to keep a budget that we would be able to pay for out right rather than pay off for years to come. We didn't have family money to fall back on, so we had to plan a wedding without our heads in the clouds.
Of course, I am also a princess.
I refused to look back on our wedding with regrets of "Oh I wish we did something nice" as I looked at the crayola drawn photographs of the Little Cesar's Pizza and Entemans cake we might have served. Overkill? Yeah, probably.
I'm sure you could throw a wedding for cheaper than we did, and if you can and are content to do so, Awesome! I would love to hear your story or advice for other brides.In fact, had we done a cruise wedding like we initially planned, we could have gotten by with about $2000 cheaper, but also would have had less guests. I am fairly proud of what we made possible with our bitty budget.
The magic number was $6500. It was to include clothes, food, lodging, decoration, drinks, and any other expense for the day sans my engagement ring. It was a number that had me and the hubby setting aside between $500-$700 a month without drastically hurting our lifestyle or running up our credit cards.
We did a lot of things ourselves. I still scoured the bridal blogs for ideas, and when I came accross something I loved, I researched how to make it happen for less.
We ended up having a stunning 4th of July wedding for 100 guests, complete with a full meal, harpist, a designer gown (never worn), custom cake, and lodging for immediate family and wedding party (25 people) for 4 days at a beautiful bed and breakfast. The moral is: With perseverance anything can be done.
So here are my rules for getting the most bang for your buck in no particular order:
1. Be honest with yourself. If you have to have something, make sure you set a budget than can accommodate it. If you can't afford it, be honest with yourself with what you can afford.
2. Prioritize. Location was key for us. I wanted a location that spoke to who we were as a couple, and I wanted that location to include at least an overnight stay for us and our parents. It was important to me that I found a place that would allow us to treat our families to the comfort they deserved. I set aside nearly half my budget for this and providing our family with their getaway. So (back to point 1) I knew the remainder of my wedding could cost no more than $3500 and had to be honest with myself about what was still doable at that point.
3. Be honest with your vendors. I would walk into a meeting with a vendor with my absolute budget range for their services. If they couldn't meet it or work with me, I knew I had to walk away. The truth is that sometimes explaining your situation makes vendors willing to work with you. We were blessed with a phenomenal baker, photographer, and musician because we were open and honest and gave them reason to want to work with us. I actually asked our photographer to keep me on standby, if she didn't find a better paying gig 3 weeks before hand, would she consider working with us under budget. She agreed and was probably one of the best things about my wedding.
4. Ebay is your friend. I don't know why no one remembers this for your wedding. Ebay is filled with brides who have left over decor and favors at a fraction of the cost. More amazing-- if you know your size and the styles/designers you like, many bridal shops that close offer their inventory here at a fraction of the cost. I was able to score a $1400 Maggie Sottero for $100 that I wore on my wedding day. Because I hadn't realized how easy it was to win a designer dress this way, I also bid on 4 more $1000+ Watters dresses and won them for even less. Later in the blog we will be raffling off these new designer dresses to lucky blog readers.
5. Etsy may be your enemy. Do your research sometimes you can find the same items there for half the price on Amazon. Some deals are good here. Mainly, Etsy is good for DIY ideas which leads us to...
6. When in doubt, do it yourself. There are plenty of online tutorials that will assist in your decorating needs. Sites like the dollar tree and save-oncrafts.com can truly be lifesavers.
7. Ask for help. You never know who knows someone who knows someone or who has special hidden talents they are willing to donate. We had DJ and Videographer on donated time.
8. A little creativity goes a long way. For the creative types: Florists, Bakers, photographers-- Allowing them some creative freedom allows them to get excited about your wedding. You will find they are much more willing to work with you upgrading your package for free even, if you give them a project they can get excited about. For example. Our baker loved the cake idea and upgraded the cake in order to execute it for her portfolio. Think creatively about your personal choices as well. Do you need to have your reception in a Hall? Or would a Coffee shop be more fun? Creative decisions can save big $$$$.
9. No one is superwoman. Forgive yourself for moments that you are overwhelmed. Its unfortunate that it happens, but it happens to us all. Remember a wedding is about both you and the hubby, so when you feel you have too much on your plate, don't feel guilty sharing the burden.
10. You don't have to say yes. If you have any doubt, either because of cost or simply because of a bad feeling about any of your vendors, it is your right to walk away. There will always be other photographers, bakers, and locations. You need to feel comfortable with your choices in order to truly enjoy your wedding.
11. Stay true to you. Everyone in the world will tell you what your wedding should be. Most of them are wrong. Your wedding is about you and your love. Celebrate that however you want. Regardless if you spend $50 or $50,000, your wedding will be beautiful because it is a reflection of you.
xoxo!
Kristy Winter
Of course I sent a present, but now I know that that simply is not enough.
The average wedding in Southern California today is $26,000.
At that rate you might never get married. In the peak of a recession who has that kind of money to spend frivolously? I mean, I'm still hiding under rocks from my student loan debt.
This being the case, the Mr. and I tried to be as practical as possible about our decision for a wedding. We wanted to keep a budget that we would be able to pay for out right rather than pay off for years to come. We didn't have family money to fall back on, so we had to plan a wedding without our heads in the clouds.
Of course, I am also a princess.
I refused to look back on our wedding with regrets of "Oh I wish we did something nice" as I looked at the crayola drawn photographs of the Little Cesar's Pizza and Entemans cake we might have served. Overkill? Yeah, probably.
I'm sure you could throw a wedding for cheaper than we did, and if you can and are content to do so, Awesome! I would love to hear your story or advice for other brides.In fact, had we done a cruise wedding like we initially planned, we could have gotten by with about $2000 cheaper, but also would have had less guests. I am fairly proud of what we made possible with our bitty budget.
The magic number was $6500. It was to include clothes, food, lodging, decoration, drinks, and any other expense for the day sans my engagement ring. It was a number that had me and the hubby setting aside between $500-$700 a month without drastically hurting our lifestyle or running up our credit cards.
We did a lot of things ourselves. I still scoured the bridal blogs for ideas, and when I came accross something I loved, I researched how to make it happen for less.
We ended up having a stunning 4th of July wedding for 100 guests, complete with a full meal, harpist, a designer gown (never worn), custom cake, and lodging for immediate family and wedding party (25 people) for 4 days at a beautiful bed and breakfast. The moral is: With perseverance anything can be done.
 |
| Finding the perfect location was a priority. The view from the reception site. |
So here are my rules for getting the most bang for your buck in no particular order:
1. Be honest with yourself. If you have to have something, make sure you set a budget than can accommodate it. If you can't afford it, be honest with yourself with what you can afford.
2. Prioritize. Location was key for us. I wanted a location that spoke to who we were as a couple, and I wanted that location to include at least an overnight stay for us and our parents. It was important to me that I found a place that would allow us to treat our families to the comfort they deserved. I set aside nearly half my budget for this and providing our family with their getaway. So (back to point 1) I knew the remainder of my wedding could cost no more than $3500 and had to be honest with myself about what was still doable at that point.
 |
| Our unity sand was found on Ebay for half the price it was on Etsy. |
 |
| Our Amazing Harpist |
3. Be honest with your vendors. I would walk into a meeting with a vendor with my absolute budget range for their services. If they couldn't meet it or work with me, I knew I had to walk away. The truth is that sometimes explaining your situation makes vendors willing to work with you. We were blessed with a phenomenal baker, photographer, and musician because we were open and honest and gave them reason to want to work with us. I actually asked our photographer to keep me on standby, if she didn't find a better paying gig 3 weeks before hand, would she consider working with us under budget. She agreed and was probably one of the best things about my wedding.
 |
| My hundred dollar dress and the homemade wood and brooch bouquet. |
4. Ebay is your friend. I don't know why no one remembers this for your wedding. Ebay is filled with brides who have left over decor and favors at a fraction of the cost. More amazing-- if you know your size and the styles/designers you like, many bridal shops that close offer their inventory here at a fraction of the cost. I was able to score a $1400 Maggie Sottero for $100 that I wore on my wedding day. Because I hadn't realized how easy it was to win a designer dress this way, I also bid on 4 more $1000+ Watters dresses and won them for even less. Later in the blog we will be raffling off these new designer dresses to lucky blog readers.
5. Etsy may be your enemy. Do your research sometimes you can find the same items there for half the price on Amazon. Some deals are good here. Mainly, Etsy is good for DIY ideas which leads us to...
6. When in doubt, do it yourself. There are plenty of online tutorials that will assist in your decorating needs. Sites like the dollar tree and save-oncrafts.com can truly be lifesavers.
7. Ask for help. You never know who knows someone who knows someone or who has special hidden talents they are willing to donate. We had DJ and Videographer on donated time.
8. A little creativity goes a long way. For the creative types: Florists, Bakers, photographers-- Allowing them some creative freedom allows them to get excited about your wedding. You will find they are much more willing to work with you upgrading your package for free even, if you give them a project they can get excited about. For example. Our baker loved the cake idea and upgraded the cake in order to execute it for her portfolio. Think creatively about your personal choices as well. Do you need to have your reception in a Hall? Or would a Coffee shop be more fun? Creative decisions can save big $$$$.
9. No one is superwoman. Forgive yourself for moments that you are overwhelmed. Its unfortunate that it happens, but it happens to us all. Remember a wedding is about both you and the hubby, so when you feel you have too much on your plate, don't feel guilty sharing the burden.
10. You don't have to say yes. If you have any doubt, either because of cost or simply because of a bad feeling about any of your vendors, it is your right to walk away. There will always be other photographers, bakers, and locations. You need to feel comfortable with your choices in order to truly enjoy your wedding.
11. Stay true to you. Everyone in the world will tell you what your wedding should be. Most of them are wrong. Your wedding is about you and your love. Celebrate that however you want. Regardless if you spend $50 or $50,000, your wedding will be beautiful because it is a reflection of you.
xoxo!
Kristy Winter
Friday, November 30, 2012
Are We Really Married?
As a little girl (or boy) you might dream of the elements that make a perfect wedding and a perfect marriage... Or maybe you didn't. Maybe you only imagined what it would be like once you had the ring on your finger. I think I fell into the latter category.
To be honest, I never really pictured myself married. It wasn't that I didn't believe in marriage. Its just that I had always assumed myself too complicated to keep someone else content. I'm not sure if that sounds like low self worth? It isn't. I just always knew that I would follow my dreams and pursue my career. In my mind, married women tended houses and were contented simply being a wife or a mother. These were many of the married friends I saw. Those who went to college to get their MRS. degree and then fell off the planet. They didn't pursue their careers or follow their dreams, because who would put up with that? Or maybe it was because being married--being a wife and mother was what their dreams amounted to. I always saw myself traveling the world, making movies, writing books, and adopting kids.
I won't say that this changed when I met my husband, but I will say that I found my best friend. S. was someone who loved me for having dreams and being complicated. He was someone who supported my goals, appreciated my craziness, and encouraged me to run headlong into the future. For six years we made an incredible partnership. Supporting each other, balancing each other, and creating a strong foundation for a future together.
I won't lie, after 7 years together everyone around you gets antsy for marriage. Not just you two as a couple, but every mother, father aunt, boss, teacher, friend, etc who has been beside you through the relationship. After our first year together, we were committed. I had a promise ring which came with the notion that once we finished school, paid our debts, and had the means for a future, we would make our commitment official. That was good enough for us, but it really bothered our family. Marriage in many ways becomes about the people around you. It weird how people want to dictate other's lives and relationships. I am sure it is because they feel they are looking out for your best interest. The truth is that these proddings do more damage to a relationship than benefit. They make you doubt what you are personally sure of.
That girl who believed she was too complicated to settle down crept back into my mind after I had finished grad school and was finding my footing as an adult not as sure as I had imagined it would be as a child...And that is the moment he decided to propose. Life doesn't happen on any particular time frame. It doesn't happen while you are simply waiting for it to occur.
We planned our wedding in 9 months and it wasn't the lace and frills you might imagine it would be. But it wasn't cool-aid and a second hand gown. It wasn't what we planned, it wasn't what we dreamed of, yet it was almost perfect for us. Planning a wedding is complicated, and I will get into that in another post.
I am really lucky to have married my best friend. I'm lucky to find someone who supports my craziness and my goals. I married the genuinely nicest guy I know.
There were plenty of bumps in the road along the way-- I think that is the nature of the beast. Nevertheless, everything passed by in a blur.
My mother took home the paperwork from our minister. I've never seen our wedding certificate. For all I know, we may not even be married yet... After 7 years together and 3 months of (hopefully) marriage, we are leaving on our honeymoon... finally. Afterwards we'll swing by the records office and see if we can pick up a copy of our certificate and change my name to Mrs. Mr. Or maybe we'll find out we aren't actually married. Then we can plan our elopement that we might have had if it wasn't for everyone else. :P
Did you picture your wedding before you found your significant other? If so how much did it live up to your imagination?
To be honest, I never really pictured myself married. It wasn't that I didn't believe in marriage. Its just that I had always assumed myself too complicated to keep someone else content. I'm not sure if that sounds like low self worth? It isn't. I just always knew that I would follow my dreams and pursue my career. In my mind, married women tended houses and were contented simply being a wife or a mother. These were many of the married friends I saw. Those who went to college to get their MRS. degree and then fell off the planet. They didn't pursue their careers or follow their dreams, because who would put up with that? Or maybe it was because being married--being a wife and mother was what their dreams amounted to. I always saw myself traveling the world, making movies, writing books, and adopting kids.
I won't say that this changed when I met my husband, but I will say that I found my best friend. S. was someone who loved me for having dreams and being complicated. He was someone who supported my goals, appreciated my craziness, and encouraged me to run headlong into the future. For six years we made an incredible partnership. Supporting each other, balancing each other, and creating a strong foundation for a future together.
I won't lie, after 7 years together everyone around you gets antsy for marriage. Not just you two as a couple, but every mother, father aunt, boss, teacher, friend, etc who has been beside you through the relationship. After our first year together, we were committed. I had a promise ring which came with the notion that once we finished school, paid our debts, and had the means for a future, we would make our commitment official. That was good enough for us, but it really bothered our family. Marriage in many ways becomes about the people around you. It weird how people want to dictate other's lives and relationships. I am sure it is because they feel they are looking out for your best interest. The truth is that these proddings do more damage to a relationship than benefit. They make you doubt what you are personally sure of.
That girl who believed she was too complicated to settle down crept back into my mind after I had finished grad school and was finding my footing as an adult not as sure as I had imagined it would be as a child...And that is the moment he decided to propose. Life doesn't happen on any particular time frame. It doesn't happen while you are simply waiting for it to occur.
We planned our wedding in 9 months and it wasn't the lace and frills you might imagine it would be. But it wasn't cool-aid and a second hand gown. It wasn't what we planned, it wasn't what we dreamed of, yet it was almost perfect for us. Planning a wedding is complicated, and I will get into that in another post.
I am really lucky to have married my best friend. I'm lucky to find someone who supports my craziness and my goals. I married the genuinely nicest guy I know.
There were plenty of bumps in the road along the way-- I think that is the nature of the beast. Nevertheless, everything passed by in a blur.
My mother took home the paperwork from our minister. I've never seen our wedding certificate. For all I know, we may not even be married yet... After 7 years together and 3 months of (hopefully) marriage, we are leaving on our honeymoon... finally. Afterwards we'll swing by the records office and see if we can pick up a copy of our certificate and change my name to Mrs. Mr. Or maybe we'll find out we aren't actually married. Then we can plan our elopement that we might have had if it wasn't for everyone else. :P
Did you picture your wedding before you found your significant other? If so how much did it live up to your imagination?
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