What's in a name? ...And other Tragedies. Or, What the Wedding Books Don't Tell You Part 2

Changing one's name is strangely traumatic. Unless you were cursed with an unfortunate moniker such as Afadass, Mandic, or Hooker, most of us are not running to get our name changed, even though it is a sign of respect for your partner and a way to solidify your union, because changing your name isn't simply donning a new hat. Changing your name is open heart surgery. It can be painful, scary, and potentially life threatening.

A name is deeply entangled with one's identity. This is even more true, if your name is used for professional as well as personal purposes. I mean, at the very least, you have spent 18 years carving out who you are, or in my case 20-30 some odd, and then all of the sudden you find you have to be someone new. I say have to, even though, technically name changing is a choice, because the expectations and emotions tied to the name changing ritual can be a make them or break them scenario to one's friends and extended family.

I tried to convince my hubby to take a new name with me. Something that would be completely unique to us. He wasn't having it.

He also did not force me to take his name, but I realized that taking it showed a solidarity to our union. I mean, why marry him if I wasn't willing to consider us one?

Still I dragged me feet. Hadn't I spent the last 6 years making a name for myself professionally? What would that name and effort mean now that that name wasn't going to be mine anymore?

I took a babystep towards the name change. Rather than making it official, I made it digital. I opened a new email account with my new so-called identity. Just to try it out I suppose. See what it felt like...

It wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable. Kind of like when you sleep over at a friends house and you forgot your bathing suit so they loan you one or at least loan you some shorts and a t-shirt. Even if they fit perfectly, you can help but be self conscious. That is kind of what it feels like when you first change your name.

On Facebook, I squished our names together into something new. Some amalgam of who I was and who I was supposed to be. That felt safer; becoming part of something  new versus becoming part of something that existed long before hubby and I ever were together.

I am sure part of the awkwardness of the name change comes from the lack of a close relationship between me and his family. Defining myself apart from them, I keep my strength and self confidence. Keeping my name, is keeping my guard in the us versus them scenario. It means I shouldn't be disappointed  or expect too much, because its not like they're MY family. They are HIS. But when you take on a name, you feel as though you SHOULD be closer and able to trust and rely on those people who share it. Its like the act turns a magnifying glass upon all the cracks and holes in your newly minted foundation together. Sure, you fell in love with your husband, and have built your lives together, but that doesn't mean, you've necessarily spent time falling in love or becoming one with his family. The name isn't only your husband, which would feel easier, the name is your husbands life, friends, family, history. The name is about you fitting or not fitting. Its about being plucked from your own family tree and tied to another. But if you are simply tied, how could you ever grow? There needs to be grafting and nurturing , but that takes time, and it takes both sides to try a little harder to create a bond.


Nonetheless, I meandered forward with my name change. I had put it off, in part, because my parents supposedly took home our wedding certificate. It was a destination wedding and was too impractical for Hubby and I to grab everything. My mom assured me she had it and for months I trusted she did.  Then I realized my window was closing. What window? Well if you had gotten a new passport within a year of getting married, they let you change your name free. Otherwise they charge you a million or so dollars no one has. So I made my way down to my parents house to pick up our marriage certificate, only to realize, while it was indeed a certificate, it was more like the kind you get in elementary school for good penmanship. The "Decorative" marriage certificate. God it was ugly.... and useless.

So now, with less than a month to accomplish my name change I had to strategically maneuver my schedule all about town so that I could have the documents needed at each venue in order to effectively change my name. It is NOT an easy task. Outside of the emotional struggle there is also the hour long waits at various government buildings. All of which want both ID and their personal copy of the marriage certificate and some of which keep them for 3+ weeks before they issue your ID and paperwork back. Its a hassle. And who has the time to run around to multiple government offices in LA?

After taking two half days off, my name is only half changed. I now get junk mail to a variety of name combinations. I have decided to keep both my name and his name. Using his name personally will bring us closer as a couple, but maintaining my name professionally will help me not lose my identity and progress in my field. Its an internal compromise for me that highlight the duality of my roles, but feels like a safety net too. I can pick and choose from day to day who I want to be.

I thought I was taking the transition well enough (it ony took 10 months for me to get this far) when tragedy (okay not so tragic) struck. I had fedexed my passport et al to the US passport office only to find out (after the week it took to arrive) that the office refuses to accept Fedex or UPS. Which, by the way, is INSANE, because who would want to mail sensitive legal identification documents in an insecure way? USPS has been known to lose more mail (in fact, 1/3 of our wedding invitation were lost by USPS) and costs a fortune if you want to mail something more securely and be able to track it. Hello identity theft! I was so livid, because when I asked the passport office what to do, they basically told me to go F-myself.  No they wouldn't help me, no they wouldn't provide me with an alternative way to send it, no they wouldn't put a note on my file if it arrives a day or two late because they REFUSED it when it arrived 2 weeks early. No they don't have a supervisor. No they don't have employee identification. No there isn't a way to contact someone directly. No they didn't TELL you your package would be refused on the paperwork with direction, but had you called BEFORE you had this problem because you were psychic, they we would have told you by phone that they only accept USPS. No, no no. The US government hates you and your new name.

And that, apparently was the straw that broke this camel. I ended up losing it this morning. Going into fits of sobbing, because it doesn't matter how good or reasonable or fastidious you try to be. You are going to get screwed eventually. And dealing with people who treat you terribly when all you want is some information on how to contact a courier, or where you can resend the document to so that you don't miss the deadline and owe the government ridiculous money for changing your name...Changing your name which is akin to open heart surgery. Changing your name which may mean losing who you are. Perhaps climbing onto a family tree where you are attached by scotch tape and staples. Yet, you don't really have control over any of it anymore.

So I cried. And my husband had to save me. Which makes me a wimp, and Fed Ex had to save me.

What the Wedding Books Don't Tell You...Part 1.

Last night I got a drunken text. I think it might actually have qualified as a booty call. It was from the number of someone I used to know, but admittedly, had not remembered and had not even bothered to plug into my current phone. I've had that phone a year. I politely tried to evade the subject, my standard tactic for unwanted attention, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I do want to make it clear that my mind has no intention of going where there's just went. Think of it as the verbal equivalent of the innocent cartoon eye blink.

A normal person might have bowed out, but the response I received was of the NC17 variety, because maybe I've missed the first innuendo. My husband got a good laugh out of it at least.


Part of me thought that getting married was a way of branding yourself as "Off the Market." I thought that once you are married, you suddenly become some off limits old lady. That people would not look at you the same or that even if they did, they would chastise themselves for it.

Some of my facbook conversations and apparently text messages prove that propriety is out the window. My biggest issue is I love to flirt. I don't consider it flirting, or if I did, I did not consider that people would take it more than an innocent jest or compliment, but I am told that is what it is. Any witty statement, and flash of a smile, any playful jests, any passing compliment are indeed invitations for a romp at some later date. I apparently flirt with men and women and nowhere in my mind does that invitation exist. Plus, I don't particularly consider myself sexy. I like to think of myself as a buddy girl, so I imagine jokes would be taken at face value.  Did you know saying "that's what she said" is flirting? Did you know telling someone they look great is? Or even offer someone a smile and how are you? I love to flirt. I love to make people feel good or make people smile, and I don't answer compliments with "You know I'm married" because, lets face it, they DO know. The truth is people can see flirting in anything they WANT to see it in. Being nice, well that is simply inviting the chase.

I read an article today about how after getting married, the average woman flirts more. Psychologically speaking, flirting is a form of self validation, because, like me, many women assume that their desirability to the outside world somehow is flushed away with their wedding vows. Flirting is a way to remind themselves that even though they are now a wife, people still find her attractive, interesting, and well a catch. I can't say I haven't fallen prey to this either.

And lets face it, I was an actor, so I can't say I don't like the attention either.

In modern society there is apparently no such thing as a commitment. I guess with the prevalence of divorce, people are placing their bids early at your next go around. This is, of course, sarcasm, as I am deeply in love with my husband.

The people who, prior to getting married, all told me NOT to do it, that it would break their heart, have apparently found their heart heals up okay and have circled round again. Their game is laid on thick, considering I am 100% off the market. I don't know what they think? I assume it is that now if I give in, they don't have to worry about it getting too serious as I'd simply be in it for fun and go home to my husband? Gross.  Lets put this in perspective. I have been married 10 months and have been told by no less than 5 people that if I ever want to...

So guess what? A wedding ring is not the deterrent it once was. There are still a few that chastise themselves for flirting with a married woman. And its funny, because so many of my (supposedly platonic) male friendships have shifted since I've wed. I never assumed that people had intentions, but apparently I was mistaken. Some have flat out said that they can't be friends with me because I'm married now. How weird is that?

Thankfully, my husband is absolutely not the jealous type. Part of that is that I keep him "in on the joke." I confide everything to him so he knows there is nothing to worry about. "I mean, when I was in grad school he got to endure first hand the drunken ramblings of a friend who "f-ing hated him. I mean hate hate. But you're a good guy and we're cool. But I hate you too."  He just finds these things funny and sad. Plus, my husband is the most likeable guy in the world, so the best way to dissuade an over-amorous friend from chasing me, is to let them know my husband. Then suddenly they feel bad about wanting more than friendship with me.

My husband knows where we stand, and he's incredibly confident with where we are. I also tease him because when we first moved from friendquantances to a potential couple he had said to me (also drunkenly I might add) "I will like you as long as someone else does too" (People say the most interesting things with a little liquid courage).  He still kicks himself for that priceless gem, but I find it hilarious and love to remind him of it when we are surprised with the occasion drunken text of a former "might be."

I think being flirty has always been part of my personality, and I am not willing to change who I fundamentally am because other people don't know where to draw the line for themselves. As long as my husband trusts me, and I trust him, and we keep an open line of communication, I don't think change is necessary.

PS this was at Ailyn's wedding

I guess these "might have beens" are helpful to us too, because they remind both he and I how lucky we got to have each other. I find myself more and more in love as our time together progresses. More confident, more lucky, more happy that I don't have to venture out into the world without him by my side.