Is it time for a contest yet?

My favorite time as a budget bride was when I got something for nothing... or next to nothing. This was because weddings were so much more expensive than I had ever dreamed! My husband and I were paying for the event ourselves, and wanted to stretch our money as much as possible for the important stuff like showing our parents a special time, without throwing ourselves into debt, which is no way to start a life together. I entered many contests, won a few great prizes, and learned a lot about myself in the process. Every little bit helped weave the fantasy into a reality. I was blessed by many good friends who offered their services and expertise to help fill out my baby budget.

I am also the girl who haphazardly ended up with 6-- count that-- 6 wedding dresses.

Now that the dust is settling on my life, it may be time to give back.

Over the next year or so we hope to raffle off some of our favorite pieces from our own weddings, and maybe a few brand new keepsakes and a brand new wedding gown to lucky blog readers and those who like our page on facebook and follow us on twitter.

So here goes:
After 30 Facebook Likes or 20 unique people's comments on the blog, we will raffle away our first prize.

So get liking! https://www.facebook.com/PaperTrailsMarriage

For now its a surprise, but its something every lady can use on her wedding day.

Throwing Out The Baby

I have gotten into such a locked battle over who was going to wash the dishes. I admit to throwing away those that were just too gross rather than touching them. eek! But I do my share of the chores, even though I feel like this picture sometimes.

When is it my turn?

I thought I was too liberal for my
conservative mother in law. I saw myself as a she devil who had sex before marriage and would drag her son to hell. But never judge a book by it's cover. The more I asked questions about her life and such, the more I found we had in common. All these assumptions I was making were unfair on myself and her. We had one big thing in common and that is that we both love J. I took this to heart and now make an effort to keep the dialogue open and a hand written card really goes a long way.
It has literally taken years to chip away the delicate layers and see that true love is there. I get the best, most thoughtful presents and cards from her. I tell her all the time what a great son she made! We do have disagreements and that's when I have to think back to what MY mom said. "It will all change when you have kids." lols

And None for Gretchen Weiners

I don't know if I consider myself a jealous person as a whole. I try to swallow down those emotions whenever I feel them creeping in. Ugly, dark, self loathing emotions stalking me like a predator. I banish them to the netherworld with hope, hard work, and forward momentum. Truth is, I usually can not care less what kind of car you drive, or what designer clothes you wear. I'm fairly immune to jealousy at the materialistic level. But, jealous over other people's perceptions really strikes a chord.A chord, that no matter how hard I try, I cannot unhear.

Case it point, I am jealous of my two sister in laws.

Again, it isn't because these women have anything physical that I want. I wouldn't trade my career, or relationship, nor my close circle of friends, nor my looks or hopes or dreams for theirs. But, what they do seem to have is the approval of my Mother in Law.

Truth is, I don't even know that she disapproves of me, necessarily.  She's always been nice enough, but not what I would call warm to me. I mean I walk into the room and see exactly how my husband's father, grandparents, even aunts and uncles feel about me. They like me, but his mom is a different story. There is just this overwhelming sense of removal in our interaction. A wall.

At first I thought it was bad timing. My husband began dating me just as his brother was going through a particularly bitter divorce. I figured it was guilt by association. I mean, could you blame a mom for being particularly protective of her cubs after living through that? Still, I figured over time, as she got to know me and see I was nothing like my brother in laws ex, that I would develop my place in the family.

It did not quite work out that way.  My husband and I were just not around enough for his mother and I to truly develop a comfort around each other. Hubs and I were always away at school, or working. I know it bothered her when he bought me a car or when we moved in together, but I honestly didn't hold that against her. She was simply worried about her son and I wasn't yet a permanent fixture. It wasn't because we didn't plan to get married, but rather because we liked having all our ducks in a row in regards to our education and our personal responsibilities before we took the leap.

In time, my husbands brothers started relationships with their now wives. These women instantly became much closer to my mother in law than I was. My hubby justified it by saying it had to do with proximity. They lived a lot closer and were more willing than I to ask for assistance. I was "too self sufficient for my own good," he said.

My mother in law took an active part in planning both of these women's weddings, as opposed to my homespun shindig where I swam upstream alone save for my sister and immediate family. Again the husband claimed, it was because they needed the help more. They were not as financially stable as we were. Plus we didn't explicitly ask for help.  But, I couldn't help but feel a little stung. I always prided myself on not being anyone's burden, yet in this scenario, it seemed like a bad thing to be. I should have asked for more help, but I was always told not to. I was taught to wait until someone offers. 

I remember asking him how he would feel if my family wasn't willing to get involved or help? Would he feel like they disapproved of him? Because to me, my family's support felt like they were welcoming my husband into the ranks rather than turning their back on us.

Add to this the moment after we got engaged, before we had the opportunity to even ask for help, when his parents took us out to dinner to let us know that they could not afford to help us with the wedding. They had just purchased a house for my brother and sister in law and were "all tapped out". It only made the determination in me to make throw an amazing wedding for as little as possible burn a little brighter in my belly. I didn't think it phased me then, but retrospectively it stung like hell. Why did they deserve a house, and we, who worked so hard to do what's right and had been loyal to each other for so long, the best we got was a couple of slices of BJ's pizza?

So maybe I am being crazy sensitive. Maybe I am reading into a scenario that doesn't truly exist. Maybe I am simply jealous.

The distance I felt with his mom was magnified by how she'd bend over backwards for my sisters in law. Even if they notoriously left the party early or stood it up altogether. We were the ones that never forgot a birthday, or drove 3 hours in traffic to see them. We were the ones who tried to show our appreciation with extra efforts and fancy chocolates.

But they needed the attention more than I did, right?  It wasn't that I didn't sympathize with their circumstances. Its just, yet again, I don't know what I am doing wrong.

I don't even feel mad at them or at my MIL. There is no anger here at anyone but myself. Just stupid jealousy about not being good enough or likeable. Or maybe there is fundamentally something wrong with me? Maybe I don't meet the standards. This is how I process these feelings. Not that I am too "together" and don't need the extra consideration or attention, but rather that I am broken somehow. The tarnished leaf on the pristine family tree. And I can justify the hell out of why kindness directed elsewhere leaves me standing in the cold beyond the wall.

Hubby wonders why I worry about these things. Why should it matter? I should be proud that no one needs to pick me up when I fall or tell me I'm good, because I already am good. I wish I were comforted. I wish I could let go of my doubts and anxiety and live in the blissful unawareness that comes naturally to some.

This feeling of dejection came to a head, though the feelings have been brewing for a while, this weekend as I wandered the halls of his parent's home-- the only daughter in law to make it to my hubby's mother's birthday dinner. I was getting a tour of the gifts his mom was making for my in laws.

I smiled contritely because I had not learned the finer arts of quilt weaving and that somehow made me less of a woman. Along the walls were wedding pictures of both sets of in laws. At least 4-5 of each couple smilingly adorning the walls. Yet our wedding picture was distinctly absent. I was distinctly absent. 7 years in the family, and my presence was unmistakeably nowhere in the house. They may thank us for coming out to see them, but the truth is, I don't feel welcome or wanted there. Is that "thank you" any more than lip service? Would they rather my hubby visit alone? If my husband had married someone different, someone more traditional who longed to be a house wife, would that women be more accepted? More loved?

The worst part is the not knowing. The worst part is that maybe what I view as a slight is simply that they didn't think it would bother us, that we simply wouldn't care. Maybe it isn't dislike at all, maybe I was simply overlooked. An innocent oversight.

And would that make it better?

Or would I still feel like the only girl in the clique that wasn't sent a candy cane?

The Waiting Game and Other Irrational Annoyances

Let me qualify this post by stating that I am a hypochondriac. As a young girl my favorite books to read were the one's where the heroine was battling some life threatening illness that she bravely, yet painfully succumbed to. I am darker than some might think. After a good sob over the loss, I would come to the belief that I was dying of the same ailment. Cancer, a weak heart, consumption. Yes I've had them all in my head. And, like the heroines of those books, I held my head up bravely and told no one, while I suffered in silence until my next imaginary disease. I am sure this delusion was coupled by the fact that as I was growing up, my father has battled through a number of very real and very serious ailments that colored my childhood with words only a pharmacist should know.

Anyhow, I am late. Going on three weeks now. Much like Aillyn and Brian, Scott and I have wanted to wait to conceive. We liked the idea of having the freedom to travel or be spontaneous, and we are firm believers of bringing kids into the world only when we have the stability and financial means to take care of them. Unlike Ailyn, everyone in the known universe is cheering for our conception and quick. Probably because I am the anti-woman. I like my career and relative freedom. Or maybe because contrary to my Facebook page, I am older than I look. I do not dislike children, in fact, I have a knack with them, and lately the idea has been on my mind-- abstract  and of the future, but in it no less.

So of course the first thought when your this late might be, "I must be pregnant." Despite our careful practices, the idea did cross my mind. Yes I know you can miss a period because of stress (and I have had my fair share) and diet change (Did I mention I am three weeks into being a pescetarian), and hormone shifts (Guess that is what they mean by the tofu estrogen connection). It can also mean cancer. My mind is trying to wrap around all possible notions of what can be causing my delay and not wanting to face the more devastating options... Well I peed on the stick today and it was negative. This means I should go to the doctor I suppose. My husband always has to fight me to go. Even when I caught H1N1 I fought tooth and nail to stay home-- made myself better off raw garlic, ginger, and cayenne pepper. Think that will work for this too? Perhaps I just don't want them to confirm the worst case scenario I am already playing out in my head. Anyhow, I gave myself a deadline. If my period does not come by xx date and I am still "not pregnant" I have to bite the bullet. I hate bullets.

Speaking of bullets. Adding to this stress. Someone posted this picture on Facebook and I was livid. One because I am a pacifist, and two because I don't care what your opinions or beliefs are, you should never exploit someone else to prove your point.

So the hubby and I ended up in a big argument over this, since he is a gun enthusiast and I, well, I am still on the fence. However, what got my blood boiling was that he (and the person who posted this) could not see what I found so offensive. No, I have no problem with you using guns to protect your own home, responsibly. I do, however, take huge offense to offering up one's neighbor as prey. This sign basically says, "please attack my neighbor, don't worry. I got your back." I was incensed. I told the hubby, what makes this different than our neighbor saying "There is a fancy sports car in the garage, here's the combination, no I won't call the police."

The argument was heated. Hubby is always surprised on what strange things bring out the passionate advocate in me. Eventually I calmed down, and he assured me that he loves me for how "Good" I am. I figure I am here to balance him out. :P

-K

Babies and Stuff

I love babies. I am that overly enthusiastic woman in the grocery store that can't stop staring and making silly faces at your baby. Everyone knows that lady that either excites and brings laughter or scares and brings tears to your baby. Either way I'm sure you want me to stop. I can't help it. For as long as I can remember I've dreamt of having my own family. Now that I am married the next logical step would appear to be having children. For the last year it's felt like the want to have babies has grown exponentially, and I've been begging my husband for one (or two). He gives me a sweet smile and says what he really feels, which is simply that he is not ready for little ones. Many days I daydream of having a little Brian running around and then I sigh to myself. Brian says he wouldn't want to take that step for at least another two years.

Strangely something inside of me has changed. Lately the thought of crying babies, the inability to make random or spontaneous decisions, the money and most importantly the responsibility for another person's life has made the choice to stay baby-less sounds better and better. I am unsure of what has brought this on, maybe it's talking to those who have children who encourage the wait or the fact that I've been more aware of the fun of just being a couple able to do what we please. Maybe even both. The older I get the harder it gets to think of the great responsibility of children. This must be a junction that many women face so I'll just keep enjoying the married life as it is now. I'm sure Brian and I will do whatever we feel is best for us, and either decision will be just fine.

Witnessing

So, we finally got a letter today from the courthouse on why we haven't received our marriage certificate.  One of our witnesses put the wrong house number on his address and crossed out ONE number.  Well any alterations or unintelligible writing makes the certificate invalid!   I can't believe all the waiting and worrying over ONE number!  Now we have to get the officiant to sign another form and pay another $30.  I was complaining before the wedding what a drag changing my name would be; now I am really frustrated.  So warning to all your witnesses, it's a harder job than you think!