I don't know if I consider myself a jealous person as a whole. I try to swallow down those emotions whenever I feel them creeping in. Ugly, dark, self loathing emotions stalking me like a predator. I banish them to the netherworld with hope, hard work, and forward momentum. Truth is, I usually can not care less what kind of car you drive, or what designer clothes you wear. I'm fairly immune to jealousy at the materialistic level. But, jealous over other people's perceptions really strikes a chord.A chord, that no matter how hard I try, I cannot unhear.
Case it point, I am jealous of my two sister in laws.
Again, it isn't because these women have anything physical that I want. I wouldn't trade my career, or relationship, nor my close circle of friends, nor my looks or hopes or dreams for theirs. But, what they do seem to have is the approval of my Mother in Law.
Truth is, I don't even know that she disapproves of me, necessarily. She's always been nice enough, but not what I would call warm to me. I mean I walk into the room and see exactly how my husband's father, grandparents, even aunts and uncles feel about me. They like me, but his mom is a different story. There is just this overwhelming sense of removal in our interaction. A wall.
At first I thought it was bad timing. My husband began dating me just as his brother was going through a particularly bitter divorce. I figured it was guilt by association. I mean, could you blame a mom for being particularly protective of her cubs after living through that? Still, I figured over time, as she got to know me and see I was nothing like my brother in laws ex, that I would develop my place in the family.
It did not quite work out that way. My husband and I were just not around enough for his mother and I to truly develop a comfort around each other. Hubs and I were always away at school, or working. I know it bothered her when he bought me a car or when we moved in together, but I honestly didn't hold that against her. She was simply worried about her son and I wasn't yet a permanent fixture. It wasn't because we didn't plan to get married, but rather because we liked having all our ducks in a row in regards to our education and our personal responsibilities before we took the leap.
In time, my husbands brothers started relationships with their now wives. These women instantly became much closer to my mother in law than I was. My hubby justified it by saying it had to do with proximity. They lived a lot closer and were more willing than I to ask for assistance. I was "too self sufficient for my own good," he said.
My mother in law took an active part in planning both of these women's weddings, as opposed to my homespun shindig where I swam upstream alone save for my sister and immediate family. Again the husband claimed, it was because they needed the help more. They were not as financially stable as we were. Plus we didn't explicitly ask for help. But, I couldn't help but feel a little stung. I always prided myself on not being anyone's burden, yet in this scenario, it seemed like a bad thing to be. I should have asked for more help, but I was always told not to. I was taught to wait until someone offers.
I remember asking him how he would feel if my family wasn't willing to get involved or help? Would he feel like they disapproved of him? Because to me, my family's support felt like they were welcoming my husband into the ranks rather than turning their back on us.
Add to this the moment after we got engaged, before we had the opportunity to even ask for help, when his parents took us out to dinner to let us know that they could not afford to help us with the wedding. They had just purchased a house for my brother and sister in law and were "all tapped out". It only made the determination in me to make throw an amazing wedding for as little as possible burn a little brighter in my belly. I didn't think it phased me then, but retrospectively it stung like hell. Why did they deserve a house, and we, who worked so hard to do what's right and had been loyal to each other for so long, the best we got was a couple of slices of BJ's pizza?
So maybe I am being crazy sensitive. Maybe I am reading into a scenario that doesn't truly exist. Maybe I am simply jealous.
The distance I felt with his mom was magnified by how she'd bend over backwards for my sisters in law. Even if they notoriously left the party early or stood it up altogether. We were the ones that never forgot a birthday, or drove 3 hours in traffic to see them. We were the ones who tried to show our appreciation with extra efforts and fancy chocolates.
But they needed the attention more than I did, right? It wasn't that I didn't sympathize with their circumstances. Its just, yet again, I don't know what I am doing wrong.
I don't even feel mad at them or at my MIL. There is no anger here at anyone but myself. Just stupid jealousy about not being good enough or likeable. Or maybe there is fundamentally something wrong with me? Maybe I don't meet the standards. This is how I process these feelings. Not that I am too "together" and don't need the extra consideration or attention, but rather that I am broken somehow. The tarnished leaf on the pristine family tree. And I can justify the hell out of why kindness directed elsewhere leaves me standing in the cold beyond the wall.
Hubby wonders why I worry about these things. Why should it matter? I should be proud that no one needs to pick me up when I fall or tell me I'm good, because I already am good. I wish I were comforted. I wish I could let go of my doubts and anxiety and live in the blissful unawareness that comes naturally to some.
This feeling of dejection came to a head, though the feelings have been brewing for a while, this weekend as I wandered the halls of his parent's home-- the only daughter in law to make it to my hubby's mother's birthday dinner. I was getting a tour of the gifts his mom was making for my in laws.
I smiled contritely because I had not learned the finer arts of quilt weaving and that somehow made me less of a woman. Along the walls were wedding pictures of both sets of in laws. At least 4-5 of each couple smilingly adorning the walls. Yet our wedding picture was distinctly absent. I was distinctly absent. 7 years in the family, and my presence was unmistakeably nowhere in the house. They may thank us for coming out to see them, but the truth is, I don't feel welcome or wanted there. Is that "thank you" any more than lip service? Would they rather my hubby visit alone? If my husband had married someone different, someone more traditional who longed to be a house wife, would that women be more accepted? More loved?
The worst part is the not knowing. The worst part is that maybe what I view as a slight is simply that they didn't think it would bother us, that we simply wouldn't care. Maybe it isn't dislike at all, maybe I was simply overlooked. An innocent oversight.
And would that make it better?
Or would I still feel like the only girl in the clique that wasn't sent a candy cane?
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for sharing!