Nesting and the Bottle List

Last night a friend posted her pregnancy announcement: an early sonogram amongst of nest of bluebird eggs. I knew that they had been trying to conceive since August if not earlier when we were discussing such things at the marriage of mutual friends. While I am absolutely  thrilled for her, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy every time friends or family or acquaintances share their glad tidings and excitement. I definitely don't think we're ready for a baby and we are not actually trying, but still, a part of me feels like less of a woman  and less of an adult for not crossing that bridge yet. Yet I find a growing pit of envy whenever I see these types of post and thanks to Facebook I see them on a daily basis.  Baby pics, nursery news, and sonograms have really become my digital social life. 5 years ago, I scoffed whenever I saw them, feeling a bit sorry for those girls I knew whose only goal was to catch a man and have a family. I wondered about their sense of self worth and identity if that was the only thing that they strove for. Lately I am softening toward this plight. Watching those I grew up with or went to school with announcing their 3rd or 4th children has a way of making me feel behind in my life. I know I don't want 3 or 4 children. I am still debating between 1 or 2. I am still debating between conception or adoption. I still don't have my duckies in a row. And yet....

I'm nesting too, but my concept of nesting is a bit different. I want to accomplish so much more in my life than simply having a family, though I see that in my future too. For now, I am focusing my energy and emotions on my book and screenplay. I am tending to their needs and coddling them and reading "baby books" or rather research to help my brain children develop into fully functional or rather dysfunctional adults. My brain babies have just as much riding on them as the prospect of future flesh and blood children. My hopes and dreams are carried on their backs. It is a big burden I suppose.

I'm nesting for myself and my relationship. You know how some people have a bucket list? I guess hubby and I have a bottle list: The things we hope to accomplish and experience before bringing a little one into the universe. Those brain babies above are on that list. I would like to have the book published and the screenplay ready to shoot if not sold before I have a baby. Hubby and I would like to have a house we call our own with some space for a functional garage/workspace for him and a yard and a writing room for me. I like the concept of security, and will likely feel insecure and creatively stunted until we accomplish this goal. I would like to go on at least two major trips out of the country without the responsibility of a child in tow. We have one of these tentatively scheduled for next summer and I am looking into the possibility of taking a trip I've long dreamed of this winter when my work is slow. I would like at least half our existing debts paid off before we have a child. We've already cleared away all our credit card and 90% of our car loans. We just need to whittle down those student loans at least by half before we consider a baby. We would like to both be a little healthier, we're currently challenging ourselves to focus on a routine of working out and eating clean so that we can raise a child in our best physical condition. That project alone may take another year to accomplish. I would like to have my business under control so I am still making good money, but dedicating normal hours rather than the excessive amount I put in currently. There is the potential of having partial ownership of the company I work for, so I need to work this year and revitalizing it so I can make a more informed decision.

There's a lot I would like to do before I am someone's mother. My list might take 6 months it maybe 6 years. I know its something I want and I wonder if anyone feels "ready" when a family happens? And who knows, maybe accomplishing any single item from the list above will be enough to say "I'm ready, lets try!" or maybe even after every item on my bottle list is checked I will still feel too young and immature and selfish.  For now I will simply look enviously at the posts of those who are ready for that responsibility and wonder when I'll ever truly feel grown up.

Maiden to Mrs.

Finally received my social security card, in the mail, with my new last name on it.  It only took a year!  The actual process was painless.  I filled out a form with both my parents info on it and went down to my local office.  Took a number and waited maybe 10-15 minutes.  Handed her the form and my marriage certificate and that was it!  Whole process took under an hour, hardest part was finding parking.  All that dread I had was for naught!  I don't know what I thought it was going to be like, but so far it hasn't been that "painful".  The hardest part so far has been changing my signature.  It is so funny because you see you girls writing their name with their crushes last name over and over, all over their binders, notebooks, whatever.  Then there is me who didn't even think of it until I had to sign something.  I decided not to change my signature as you cannot read my last name anyways and I would literally have to practice if I want to change it.  It is the one thing that will always be uniquely mine. Don't get me wrong I love being called a Mrs. but during the wedding planning I didn't think of my new name much.  Next, is my driver's license and passport; finally my work file.  My license, I can make an appointment and the form can't be filled out online.  You can only pick up the form at the DMV because it has a bar code on it.  This is the one that I am really dreading.  Even though I will make an appointment, I have no idea how to change my name on all the 7 cars I have co-signed or own.  Reading on the website, I got the impression one does not necessarily have to change the registrations, only the license.

So far this year it hasn't been a drastic transition but a gradual process.  All my credit cards and accounts were a breeze, just took a phone call.  There was a little mix up with my phone bill and I had to enter a new credit card for my automatic payments.  One of my credit cards was expiring and along with my new card they sent one for my husband.  He is on my taxes, now he is on my credit.  I told my hubby jokingly, "There is no turning back now, my money is yours!"  To which he replied jokingly, "Thank you for your graciousness."

I guess it really hasn't hit me because I am still using my maiden name at work.  This last job there was another Cynthia (mine is Cintia) and this caused some confusion.  Instead of calling us by our first name they used the last name.  I still have my maiden name on the call sheet so naturally everybody started using that.  Once I get that license, seeing and hearing my new name, I think it will change.  

And isn't it romantic...?

Most days marriage is a routine. When you are connecting and communicating, sure its a blessing, but when you're living your day to day life buried in stress and responsibility and obligations, sometimes it is easier to go through the motions than simply appreciate each moment.

I mean, think about it: You wake up, maybe take a beat to say good morning if you're on a similar schedule, but otherwise its more of a rush through the shower, shove in some breakfast, and bolt out the door. Then, you spend 8 hours on average focused on the highs and lows of a work day. Sometime this time apart is much longer. I know when I am working a film, my eight hour days stretch into12-14 hour ones. If you are lucky you are back home by seven...exhausted. What's for dinner? I need to unwind. Is it really that late? Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Some weeks its easy to lose the romance. Any adult knows that love and romance are two separate worlds. While its amazing when those worlds collide, the active effort to make that happen dwindles once the honeymoon is over.

What is a relationship, but work. Yes. Work. Working at connecting. Working at growing together. Working at appreciating one and other.

I think marriages that fall apart are the ones that fail to understand this concept and prioritize their lives around it. Lets be honest, if you stopped working at your job you'd get fired. If you forgot to care for your plants they'd die. The same is true of your relationships.

My husband and I like to write each other love texts throughout the week. A reminder that when we finally get to go home and unwind, that there will be someone warm to unwind with. We've made morning kickboxing part of our routine together. We sing each other silly songs. We make a point to shower together at least once a week (TMI I'm sure). We constantly work at our togetherness.

I've been thinking about our wedding song. Its been playing in my head this week. (Death Cab for Cutie's "I'll Follow you into the Dark). I'm thinking a lot about the lyrics lately and I know that whatever may come, my hubby and I will face it hand in hand. Perhaps romance isn't about the grand gestures, but rather about the quiet moments of stillness together after the hard work is done.

Its the little things you do together...

That make perfect relationships. I think Sondheim's tongue in cheek assertion is not completely off base. A relationship is based off the little things you put into it together. If a relationship is based off criticism or off singular (as opposed to shared) expectations or assumptions, the relationship will easily fall apart under pressure.

I have been told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. If this is true, my marriage will be a cakewalk. I have found that working together as one is simple provided both parties are willing to work, communicate, sacrifice, and most importantly appreciate one another. That last part is key if you don't want resentment to creep in.

My husband and I do almost everything together, because we feel it is important to share experiences and grow together. We make compromises for each other and make active effort to understand each other;s likes and dislikes in addition to strengths and weaknesses. We can honestly say we are best friends.

I think relationships are hard work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. When you build that hard work and understanding into how your relationship functions, things will be easy. However, if you pretend that hard work is unnecessary,  then the reality of  a relationship and the effort it takes will be exhausting. This is why people give up on their spouses. Its all about perception.