Baby Craze

My biological clock must be ticking... Or maybe its my accomplishment clock. Lately I have been enveloped in a wave of envy for the things I don't have and wondering if I will ever acquire them and how they would change my life.

The top two on this list are a home and a baby. Weird. Very weird. The desire itself is disconcerting. I cannot seem to shake the oddness of suddenly wanting things that I cannot recall actually clamoring for. I wonder what part of it has to do with me and what part of it is a reflection of what people keep telling me I SHOULD want.

I've been noticing women with children much more than I ever have and finding myself at once wanting them and not wanting them. Logically I know having a child will slow down the momentum of my career. Illogically, I am almost desperate to have one because I assume (and this has absolutely no basis) that I am either infertile or soon will be.  I have no clue what would make me assume that, but the assumption draws me closer and closer to wanting to try to have a baby. Further, going to a doctor to test my fertility is irrational because if I do so and find I am fertile and have a few more child bearing years in me, I will likely not want to have a child for a few years. What is this insanity?

The desire for a home is less insane, but also a bit crazy when I factor in where I see myself five years down the line or even where I see myself in a perfect world. The answer is a resounding not here. Yet I am craving a place of my own that I can lay roots in. Yet if I am rooted, how likely and willing will I be to leave if the opportunity arises? I'm not sure, and if I am not completely in love with the options I have, then why would I be striving for a sense of permanency? At least this insanity I can justify with the idea of it being a good investment.

Or maybe I am simply losing my mind.

A Love Letter to My Husband

Its so funny that I am considered by those closest to me an extremely romantic person, mingled with being outgoing, and a decent writer, most people expected me to write my own vows at our wedding. We didn't. There is something to be said for the traditional promises to love and cherish. Something powerful in knowing the words you say have been said by billions of lovers throughout history. Its almost as though your vow is timeless. This is, I know, the romantic view of things. Another truth may be that I am intensely private about the things that matter most. I was raised to keep my personal life more personal because making something public somehow devalued it.

Yet, even with this privacy concept ingrained in my personal culture, I often wonder if it is fair to keep my affection for my husband to myself? If it is in this private nature of the more intimate details of our relationship that people have cause for pause to question or doubt... Or, as mentioned in a previous post, feel they still have a shot with me.

We are long past the honeymoon stage. 8 years together can do that to you. Still, it isn't that the romance isn't there, its more that what romance is there is so comfortable, that there is less reason to note it.

My husband is my best friend. He is the first person I run to confide in. He is my first choice companion on every adventure I embark on. He is the place I run to when I need comfort or courage or confidence... or advice. I love that he challenges me, yet he is also the kindest person I know, with a remarkable knack for calming me. He offers me inspiration, one of the only people I can talk to for hours without growing bored or distracted...unless he is talking about cars, but I am used to that. He is also adorable, with the most peaceful green eyes where I can get lost. I love that every time he stirs in his sleep, only half awake, he reaches for whatever part of me happens to be nearest to him, to kiss before settling back into sleep. I love how when he wakes up in the morning, the first thing he does is look for me and when he finds me (often buried under a million pillows) he smiles a sleepy contented smile. I love how we take care of each other and understand each other in an almost effortless way that only comes from deep companionship. I love his patience and his generosity, not just with me but with everyone we meet. I love that he loves me for all my faults and finds me beautiful no matter how I look that day. I know that I shine more brightly because of the warmth he shares with me. I hope that every day I offer him as much as he gives to me.

Freshman 15

So it's been almost a whole year since Brian and I got married and I've gained a new house, a new guest bathroom, a stronger love, and oh yeah a couple of dress sizes! While the stress of wedding planning is gone, the stress of work always lingers and the escrow process didn't do much for my nerves either. It's pretty simple, I eat when I'm stressed. Kind of like:

Ice cream you my only friend

Problem is Brian and I like to eat when we are excited and happy too. So bottom line is: I like to eat. Brian is a very sweet man and he hasn't been bothered by it at all, but I don't like feeling like I'm letting myself go in a bad direction. The extra weight also makes me feel a little sluggish, so every week my sister and I have decided we would go on a little hike just for a few hours and then go about our busy schedules. It's sistah time, a fun way to exercise, and it starts the weekend off right. I'm just gonna call this weight my freshman 15, since I never did the dorm thing, and it's about time I started working them off. This will always be a battle for me, but I'll let you all know how it's going later on. Signing out!

The 'D' Word

Divorce. I have dreaded that word since I was a little girl. Growing up in a traditional Mexican Catholic family the 'D' word was a no-no. To break your promise to God and your husband would be considered shameful, and so whilst the girlish dreams of a soulmate wisped through my mind, so did the worry that I might let my family down if my so called soulmate left. That's who I happen to be, the world's biggest worry-wort, even as a child. Anyhow, as I grew older I realized that no, divorce wasn't the worst thing in the world nor was it shameful. I still do however find it depressing. The thought of young love (so tender, passionate and sweetly naive) and aged love (so full of experience, strong ties and battle scars) could diminish into nothing, or worse yet hate, makes my heart ache. Recently I've been talking to quite a few friends that are finding themselves in either the grey area of separation or filing paperwork and making the break permanent. Some have told me that they just grew apart and that they were tired of settling with behavior they had once tolerated, while others just said they were never right from the start and needed to fix that mistake. Of course most of us don't walk down the aisle thinking we are going to be part of the staggering divorce statistics, we all believe that our love is forever. For my own relationship I know that if need be, I will fight tooth and nail to keep what I have, and that there will be certain times that we will have harsh lows. I don't know any long-term couple that hasn't had some rough times, and if anyone claims they have always been supremely happy without quarrels then they are either lying or they haven't been together for that long. Right now I am supremely happy (not without a good ol' fight here and there ;) ) and grateful for this love we have. For those going through divorces right now, I hope you find happiness in either the single life or maybe one day another romance. We only have one life and if you're just downright miserable, and you've tried everything you could to make things work, then you gotta do what is going to make you happy. For the next entry, I'll pick a topic that's not such a downer. Have a great day!