Nesting and the Bottle List

Last night a friend posted her pregnancy announcement: an early sonogram amongst of nest of bluebird eggs. I knew that they had been trying to conceive since August if not earlier when we were discussing such things at the marriage of mutual friends. While I am absolutely  thrilled for her, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy every time friends or family or acquaintances share their glad tidings and excitement. I definitely don't think we're ready for a baby and we are not actually trying, but still, a part of me feels like less of a woman  and less of an adult for not crossing that bridge yet. Yet I find a growing pit of envy whenever I see these types of post and thanks to Facebook I see them on a daily basis.  Baby pics, nursery news, and sonograms have really become my digital social life. 5 years ago, I scoffed whenever I saw them, feeling a bit sorry for those girls I knew whose only goal was to catch a man and have a family. I wondered about their sense of self worth and identity if that was the only thing that they strove for. Lately I am softening toward this plight. Watching those I grew up with or went to school with announcing their 3rd or 4th children has a way of making me feel behind in my life. I know I don't want 3 or 4 children. I am still debating between 1 or 2. I am still debating between conception or adoption. I still don't have my duckies in a row. And yet....

I'm nesting too, but my concept of nesting is a bit different. I want to accomplish so much more in my life than simply having a family, though I see that in my future too. For now, I am focusing my energy and emotions on my book and screenplay. I am tending to their needs and coddling them and reading "baby books" or rather research to help my brain children develop into fully functional or rather dysfunctional adults. My brain babies have just as much riding on them as the prospect of future flesh and blood children. My hopes and dreams are carried on their backs. It is a big burden I suppose.

I'm nesting for myself and my relationship. You know how some people have a bucket list? I guess hubby and I have a bottle list: The things we hope to accomplish and experience before bringing a little one into the universe. Those brain babies above are on that list. I would like to have the book published and the screenplay ready to shoot if not sold before I have a baby. Hubby and I would like to have a house we call our own with some space for a functional garage/workspace for him and a yard and a writing room for me. I like the concept of security, and will likely feel insecure and creatively stunted until we accomplish this goal. I would like to go on at least two major trips out of the country without the responsibility of a child in tow. We have one of these tentatively scheduled for next summer and I am looking into the possibility of taking a trip I've long dreamed of this winter when my work is slow. I would like at least half our existing debts paid off before we have a child. We've already cleared away all our credit card and 90% of our car loans. We just need to whittle down those student loans at least by half before we consider a baby. We would like to both be a little healthier, we're currently challenging ourselves to focus on a routine of working out and eating clean so that we can raise a child in our best physical condition. That project alone may take another year to accomplish. I would like to have my business under control so I am still making good money, but dedicating normal hours rather than the excessive amount I put in currently. There is the potential of having partial ownership of the company I work for, so I need to work this year and revitalizing it so I can make a more informed decision.

There's a lot I would like to do before I am someone's mother. My list might take 6 months it maybe 6 years. I know its something I want and I wonder if anyone feels "ready" when a family happens? And who knows, maybe accomplishing any single item from the list above will be enough to say "I'm ready, lets try!" or maybe even after every item on my bottle list is checked I will still feel too young and immature and selfish.  For now I will simply look enviously at the posts of those who are ready for that responsibility and wonder when I'll ever truly feel grown up.