As a little girl (or boy) you might dream of the elements that make a perfect wedding and a perfect marriage... Or maybe you didn't. Maybe you only imagined what it would be like once you had the ring on your finger. I think I fell into the latter category.
To be honest, I never really pictured myself married. It wasn't that I didn't believe in marriage. Its just that I had always assumed myself too complicated to keep someone else content. I'm not sure if that sounds like low self worth? It isn't. I just always knew that I would follow my dreams and pursue my career. In my mind, married women tended houses and were contented simply being a wife or a mother. These were many of the married friends I saw. Those who went to college to get their MRS. degree and then fell off the planet. They didn't pursue their careers or follow their dreams, because who would put up with that? Or maybe it was because being married--being a wife and mother was what their dreams amounted to. I always saw myself traveling the world, making movies, writing books, and adopting kids.
I won't say that this changed when I met my husband, but I will say that I found my best friend. S. was someone who loved me for having dreams and being complicated. He was someone who supported my goals, appreciated my craziness, and encouraged me to run headlong into the future. For six years we made an incredible partnership. Supporting each other, balancing each other, and creating a strong foundation for a future together.
I won't lie, after 7 years together everyone around you gets antsy for marriage. Not just you two as a couple, but every mother, father aunt, boss, teacher, friend, etc who has been beside you through the relationship. After our first year together, we were committed. I had a promise ring which came with the notion that once we finished school, paid our debts, and had the means for a future, we would make our commitment official. That was good enough for us, but it really bothered our family. Marriage in many ways becomes about the people around you. It weird how people want to dictate other's lives and relationships. I am sure it is because they feel they are looking out for your best interest. The truth is that these proddings do more damage to a relationship than benefit. They make you doubt what you are personally sure of.
That girl who believed she was too complicated to settle down crept back into my mind after I had finished grad school and was finding my footing as an adult not as sure as I had imagined it would be as a child...And that is the moment he decided to propose. Life doesn't happen on any particular time frame. It doesn't happen while you are simply waiting for it to occur.
We planned our wedding in 9 months and it wasn't the lace and frills you might imagine it would be. But it wasn't cool-aid and a second hand gown. It wasn't what we planned, it wasn't what we dreamed of, yet it was almost perfect for us. Planning a wedding is complicated, and I will get into that in another post.
I am really lucky to have married my best friend. I'm lucky to find someone who supports my craziness and my goals. I married the genuinely nicest guy I know.
There were plenty of bumps in the road along the way-- I think that is the nature of the beast. Nevertheless, everything passed by in a blur.
My mother took home the paperwork from our minister. I've never seen our wedding certificate. For all I know, we may not even be married yet... After 7 years together and 3 months of (hopefully) marriage, we are leaving on our honeymoon... finally. Afterwards we'll swing by the records office and see if we can pick up a copy of our certificate and change my name to Mrs. Mr. Or maybe we'll find out we aren't actually married. Then we can plan our elopement that we might have had if it wasn't for everyone else. :P
Did you picture your wedding before you found your significant other? If so how much did it live up to your imagination?
I always dreamt of getting married when I was a little girl. I really do put a lot of blame on movies I watched at such a young age, but I never knew if I would get married due to a real lack of self esteem.
ReplyDeleteI completely know what you mean. Scott refers to it as a Disney complex.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about my wedding before he proposed. Working in the film industry I've always know how fake they are. All I knew about marriage is that the husband would try to tell me what to do, so I vehemently opposed it for a long time. Then I realized it was "the seven year itch" and we were going to be common law. We had our ups and down but we were still rock solid. J says he saw that I was open to it and he started bringing it up more often. The proposal was a complete surprise though and planning started that day!
ReplyDeleteI think a realist tends to find the concept of weddings difficult to swallow. Unless you come from a wealthy family and have money to blow, the investment could be devastating. And lets face it, so many relationships fail. I like to believe that those that fail are those that never took to the time to really get to know each other and don't want to put the effort in to work on things.
ReplyDeletePS. You were so excited when he proposed. I still remember the text message.