Opposites attracted

J and I are essentially opposites; I'm a night person, he is a morning one.  We don't even agree on strawberry or grape jelly on a peanut butter sandwich.  This works great for us as I remind him to loosen up a bit and he reminds me not to be so wild.  I don't understand his obsession with soccer and I don't bother to ask him to go shopping with me.  We don't have to see eye to eye on everything and that's what keeps our relationship interesting.  I always remind him of "the big picture".  We get stuck on the little details and making our point of view come across that it is easy to lose sight of what really matters.

We both agree that family is what matters most and it can be all taken away in a heart beat.  He has lost a lot of his family over the years and it has affected me dearly, as well.  Everyone says he is just like his father but I will never know, as he passed away when he was 5.  He has a wonderful step father and even though they are conservatives and we are liberal; we don't bring up politics or religion at the dinner table.  We prefer to keep the good memories of great food, stories and laughter.  

Life would be boring if we were all the same and as long as there is love there will always be family.  Sometimes, I don't know how me and my sisters can be related.  Now I am related to a man who is my "better half".

Mandatory Date Night

You might be saying to yourself, "well date nights shouldn't mandatory, it should come naturally", and to that I say "it's more complicated than that." Yes, during the courtship portion of any relationship you'll generally find yourself wined, dined and wooed often, but what happens when years start passing by? I'll tell you what has happened in my situation. While the love is strong, and the romance is always there, the date nights have dwindled as time has gone by. I feel it's only natural to find yourself in the daily grind, busy with work, house chores, projects, family get-togethers that before you know it you let weeks pass by without planning out a special time for you and your hubby (or long time partner). Before we were able to buy the house we currently have the everyday stress of work and responsibility was weighing me down. I was having a hard time sleeping and a few times I just would start to break down and cry. Even though I am a natural born crier it was obvious I needed a small escape. One week without me bringing it up Brian took me on a great getaway, and even though it was just a couple of days I'll never forget it. So what did Brian do? He told me to take a Friday off of work, and that Friday night we checked in at Malibu Country Inn. To our luck they upgraded us to a newer, recently renovated room. It had its own little deck with spa and the room was cute enough. The thing I liked the most about the place was that it was walking distance from Westward Beach. We got there just in time for sunset and we just sat on the beach and watched the sun go down and the waves hit the the shore. It wasn't crowded at the beach and with all that quietness I was able to just truly enjoy the beauty of everything and focus on Brian and me. Afterwards we went down the street to Zuma Sushi, and to our luck there were outdoor seats open. The air was cool, the stars were out, we ate some of the best sushi I have ever had and just talked and laughed for quite awhile. The next day we went hiking at the Los Liones Trail to Parker Mesa. The weather was perfect and the view at the top was gorgeous. After the weekend was over I felt refreshed in love and in life. It's often hard to find time to focus on the things you love the most and enjoy the God-given beauty of the world, but we just have to make time. It's already the middle of June and I swear that I was looking at January on the calendar just last week. I don't want to take life for granted or the love I have been given. So Brian and I have a promise that every so often we take turns planning a special thing, small experiences that are new to us or old ones we just love to do together. I know as long as we keep that up our relationship will be strong for it.

Of Buns and Ovens

Nope not pregnant. Didn't mean to get you all excited. And no pregnancy isn't overwhelmingly on my brain. Neither is finding a house, which it had been for so long.  Instead we decided to focus on becoming debt free, so I took a good chunk out of the nest egg and put it towards our debts: car debt, credit card debt, woosh! vanished. Now we just have to conquer our student loans and look toward recovering that bit of nest egg while we consider where to build said nest.

We've been talking a lot about where we would like to see ourselves in five to ten years, and we both agree that if possible, we would like to be able to work part time only, and lead a slightly slower paced life focusing on personal projects that make us happy. This is on the tail of a rather dramatic and potentially traumatic (or amazing) patch of rough water in my office. While the drama does not directly involve me, it could potentially change my life for the better or the worse in the next month or so.  Insecurity is dangerous place to totter.

We've been talking a lot to my brother about financial issues etcetera. My brother, who makes three times more money than hubby and I, yet is 5 times more likely to have to borrow money, feels he is in a good position to tell us what we should be doing and why what we are doing is stupid... In any event, he has a beautiful new home with a pool, somewhere around the armpit of the golden coast and we in turn weigh our options. Because while 10 times the space we live in filled with every comfort a young couple could desire is tempting. Being able to walk to the beach, makes us pretty darn spoiled. As does the wonderfully breezy rarely sweltering climate, and access to food and culture and art within walking distance. Would we like a yard and a space that feels more like a home than a "place we stay"? Yes, absolutely. But we don't have school aged kids to think of in terms of space and convenience. Nor are we particularly invested in any one area. And in August, my brothers Mc Mansion will be his only respite from the Mc Oven of the Inland Empire.

We've actually been considering saving up and buying a hippie farm somewhere near Santa Barbara. We'd purchase the land outright and basically create our own community of homes filled with neighbors we want to spend the rest of our life sharing coffee and wine with. This is not simply the dream, this is the goal for the next ten years. We'd have to consider the specifics of where so that we can financially survive while still having the conveniences and luxuries we need.

And on to that bun portion of this rhapsody or diatribe, as you will...Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? If you haven't please rent it prior to reading this. Hubby was recently talking to an old friend from high school, who hadn't done much since then. No great goals, no grand ideas, a few stints in jail perhaps. Basically the only thing this person had done with his life is breed. Please forgive this next judgmental assertion: When I look at the breeders in my life, those who's goal is to personally "fill the earth and subdue it" 99% have little to no motivation, education, or vision.  Its like the only mark they plan to leave behind when they die, is a long line of offspring. This in itself would not be so bad, if the intellectuals I know were also breeders. Unfortunately most of them are too busy pursuing life's treasures to treasure the life they could bring into it. The slippery slope of Idiocracy is that world is eventually populated by the lowest common denominator of humanity. This premise feels very... prophetic these days. So we have decided, we probably really need to have at least one kid. Of course we can change our mind tomorrow, but lately this has been the conclusion.

It isn't that we're exactly trying to have kids, but we've switched our perspective to not actively trying not to, if that makes sense. The good little former health educator in me, knows exactly what should be done to not get pregnant. So playing fast and loose (wow, now that's a gross pun) is a huge step for us in an effort to save humanity from its otherwise impending doom. At this point if we get pregnant it is neither on accident, or on purpose, it simply is. This is basically procreation Russian Roulette.

Its nearly our one year anniversary.  No one was kidding that time starts flying. I can't believe it. I still feel so much like a newly wed, only now I can offer sagely advice. I think the the strangest part has been my shift in perception. I am admittedly a perfectionist, and was therefore disappointed that my wedding wasn't as perfect as I would have liked. I tend to invest a lot of myself in the things I put my name on, and expect myself to accomplish the impossible. For some people my wedding was just that. My mom reminisces all the time about it being the most beautiful wedding she had ever attended, but then again, she's my mom. I think I did the best I could for spending as little as I spent. But the downside of wedding season is you cannot help but compare what you accomplished to what others did. I know my particular mental issues left me hyper critical of everything that went wrong-- which there were so few and so many things all at once.

I didn't dislike my wedding, I just left it a bit unfulfilled. Maybe because it took me months to unwind afterwards. Maybe because I was hypersensitive to what I wanted that was missing or changed out of necessity.  Maybe because it didn't live up to being the "Best Day of My life" because although it was a beautiful day and I love my husband very much, I don't define myself by being married. However, eleven months into being married,  I find myself thinking back on the day with more rose colored hues than I did 11, 6, or even 3 months ago. Almost a year into wedded life and the stress of throwing a wedding is finally diminishing and I can appreciate the day for what it was. I appreciate it for the simplicity and meaning and time spent with those I love the most. I appreciate my two amazing bachelorette parties thrown by my two amazing maids of honor. I appreciate the giant slumber party in the venue the night before that culminated with me and my besty blowing bubbles and singing "Somewhere Out There" and the late night BBQ. I appreciate the early mornings with my mother watching the fog roll out of the valley below us, and the really bad karaoke that followed the end of the reception. I appreciate the contentment in my father's face and the light in my hubby's eyes when he saw me. A year after my wedding, I am beginning to fall in love with it. Perhaps five years down the road I will remember it as the best day of my life.

I guess the theme if this blog today is that life is anything but certain. Certainty comes when life is in the past. Looking back at choices, our visions is 20/20. But looking forward it always feels so hazy. For the moment, there is the semblance of contentment before the next big wave washes me out to sea or carries me back to the shore.

What's in a name? ...And other Tragedies. Or, What the Wedding Books Don't Tell You Part 2

Changing one's name is strangely traumatic. Unless you were cursed with an unfortunate moniker such as Afadass, Mandic, or Hooker, most of us are not running to get our name changed, even though it is a sign of respect for your partner and a way to solidify your union, because changing your name isn't simply donning a new hat. Changing your name is open heart surgery. It can be painful, scary, and potentially life threatening.

A name is deeply entangled with one's identity. This is even more true, if your name is used for professional as well as personal purposes. I mean, at the very least, you have spent 18 years carving out who you are, or in my case 20-30 some odd, and then all of the sudden you find you have to be someone new. I say have to, even though, technically name changing is a choice, because the expectations and emotions tied to the name changing ritual can be a make them or break them scenario to one's friends and extended family.

I tried to convince my hubby to take a new name with me. Something that would be completely unique to us. He wasn't having it.

He also did not force me to take his name, but I realized that taking it showed a solidarity to our union. I mean, why marry him if I wasn't willing to consider us one?

Still I dragged me feet. Hadn't I spent the last 6 years making a name for myself professionally? What would that name and effort mean now that that name wasn't going to be mine anymore?

I took a babystep towards the name change. Rather than making it official, I made it digital. I opened a new email account with my new so-called identity. Just to try it out I suppose. See what it felt like...

It wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable. Kind of like when you sleep over at a friends house and you forgot your bathing suit so they loan you one or at least loan you some shorts and a t-shirt. Even if they fit perfectly, you can help but be self conscious. That is kind of what it feels like when you first change your name.

On Facebook, I squished our names together into something new. Some amalgam of who I was and who I was supposed to be. That felt safer; becoming part of something  new versus becoming part of something that existed long before hubby and I ever were together.

I am sure part of the awkwardness of the name change comes from the lack of a close relationship between me and his family. Defining myself apart from them, I keep my strength and self confidence. Keeping my name, is keeping my guard in the us versus them scenario. It means I shouldn't be disappointed  or expect too much, because its not like they're MY family. They are HIS. But when you take on a name, you feel as though you SHOULD be closer and able to trust and rely on those people who share it. Its like the act turns a magnifying glass upon all the cracks and holes in your newly minted foundation together. Sure, you fell in love with your husband, and have built your lives together, but that doesn't mean, you've necessarily spent time falling in love or becoming one with his family. The name isn't only your husband, which would feel easier, the name is your husbands life, friends, family, history. The name is about you fitting or not fitting. Its about being plucked from your own family tree and tied to another. But if you are simply tied, how could you ever grow? There needs to be grafting and nurturing , but that takes time, and it takes both sides to try a little harder to create a bond.


Nonetheless, I meandered forward with my name change. I had put it off, in part, because my parents supposedly took home our wedding certificate. It was a destination wedding and was too impractical for Hubby and I to grab everything. My mom assured me she had it and for months I trusted she did.  Then I realized my window was closing. What window? Well if you had gotten a new passport within a year of getting married, they let you change your name free. Otherwise they charge you a million or so dollars no one has. So I made my way down to my parents house to pick up our marriage certificate, only to realize, while it was indeed a certificate, it was more like the kind you get in elementary school for good penmanship. The "Decorative" marriage certificate. God it was ugly.... and useless.

So now, with less than a month to accomplish my name change I had to strategically maneuver my schedule all about town so that I could have the documents needed at each venue in order to effectively change my name. It is NOT an easy task. Outside of the emotional struggle there is also the hour long waits at various government buildings. All of which want both ID and their personal copy of the marriage certificate and some of which keep them for 3+ weeks before they issue your ID and paperwork back. Its a hassle. And who has the time to run around to multiple government offices in LA?

After taking two half days off, my name is only half changed. I now get junk mail to a variety of name combinations. I have decided to keep both my name and his name. Using his name personally will bring us closer as a couple, but maintaining my name professionally will help me not lose my identity and progress in my field. Its an internal compromise for me that highlight the duality of my roles, but feels like a safety net too. I can pick and choose from day to day who I want to be.

I thought I was taking the transition well enough (it ony took 10 months for me to get this far) when tragedy (okay not so tragic) struck. I had fedexed my passport et al to the US passport office only to find out (after the week it took to arrive) that the office refuses to accept Fedex or UPS. Which, by the way, is INSANE, because who would want to mail sensitive legal identification documents in an insecure way? USPS has been known to lose more mail (in fact, 1/3 of our wedding invitation were lost by USPS) and costs a fortune if you want to mail something more securely and be able to track it. Hello identity theft! I was so livid, because when I asked the passport office what to do, they basically told me to go F-myself.  No they wouldn't help me, no they wouldn't provide me with an alternative way to send it, no they wouldn't put a note on my file if it arrives a day or two late because they REFUSED it when it arrived 2 weeks early. No they don't have a supervisor. No they don't have employee identification. No there isn't a way to contact someone directly. No they didn't TELL you your package would be refused on the paperwork with direction, but had you called BEFORE you had this problem because you were psychic, they we would have told you by phone that they only accept USPS. No, no no. The US government hates you and your new name.

And that, apparently was the straw that broke this camel. I ended up losing it this morning. Going into fits of sobbing, because it doesn't matter how good or reasonable or fastidious you try to be. You are going to get screwed eventually. And dealing with people who treat you terribly when all you want is some information on how to contact a courier, or where you can resend the document to so that you don't miss the deadline and owe the government ridiculous money for changing your name...Changing your name which is akin to open heart surgery. Changing your name which may mean losing who you are. Perhaps climbing onto a family tree where you are attached by scotch tape and staples. Yet, you don't really have control over any of it anymore.

So I cried. And my husband had to save me. Which makes me a wimp, and Fed Ex had to save me.

What the Wedding Books Don't Tell You...Part 1.

Last night I got a drunken text. I think it might actually have qualified as a booty call. It was from the number of someone I used to know, but admittedly, had not remembered and had not even bothered to plug into my current phone. I've had that phone a year. I politely tried to evade the subject, my standard tactic for unwanted attention, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I do want to make it clear that my mind has no intention of going where there's just went. Think of it as the verbal equivalent of the innocent cartoon eye blink.

A normal person might have bowed out, but the response I received was of the NC17 variety, because maybe I've missed the first innuendo. My husband got a good laugh out of it at least.


Part of me thought that getting married was a way of branding yourself as "Off the Market." I thought that once you are married, you suddenly become some off limits old lady. That people would not look at you the same or that even if they did, they would chastise themselves for it.

Some of my facbook conversations and apparently text messages prove that propriety is out the window. My biggest issue is I love to flirt. I don't consider it flirting, or if I did, I did not consider that people would take it more than an innocent jest or compliment, but I am told that is what it is. Any witty statement, and flash of a smile, any playful jests, any passing compliment are indeed invitations for a romp at some later date. I apparently flirt with men and women and nowhere in my mind does that invitation exist. Plus, I don't particularly consider myself sexy. I like to think of myself as a buddy girl, so I imagine jokes would be taken at face value.  Did you know saying "that's what she said" is flirting? Did you know telling someone they look great is? Or even offer someone a smile and how are you? I love to flirt. I love to make people feel good or make people smile, and I don't answer compliments with "You know I'm married" because, lets face it, they DO know. The truth is people can see flirting in anything they WANT to see it in. Being nice, well that is simply inviting the chase.

I read an article today about how after getting married, the average woman flirts more. Psychologically speaking, flirting is a form of self validation, because, like me, many women assume that their desirability to the outside world somehow is flushed away with their wedding vows. Flirting is a way to remind themselves that even though they are now a wife, people still find her attractive, interesting, and well a catch. I can't say I haven't fallen prey to this either.

And lets face it, I was an actor, so I can't say I don't like the attention either.

In modern society there is apparently no such thing as a commitment. I guess with the prevalence of divorce, people are placing their bids early at your next go around. This is, of course, sarcasm, as I am deeply in love with my husband.

The people who, prior to getting married, all told me NOT to do it, that it would break their heart, have apparently found their heart heals up okay and have circled round again. Their game is laid on thick, considering I am 100% off the market. I don't know what they think? I assume it is that now if I give in, they don't have to worry about it getting too serious as I'd simply be in it for fun and go home to my husband? Gross.  Lets put this in perspective. I have been married 10 months and have been told by no less than 5 people that if I ever want to...

So guess what? A wedding ring is not the deterrent it once was. There are still a few that chastise themselves for flirting with a married woman. And its funny, because so many of my (supposedly platonic) male friendships have shifted since I've wed. I never assumed that people had intentions, but apparently I was mistaken. Some have flat out said that they can't be friends with me because I'm married now. How weird is that?

Thankfully, my husband is absolutely not the jealous type. Part of that is that I keep him "in on the joke." I confide everything to him so he knows there is nothing to worry about. "I mean, when I was in grad school he got to endure first hand the drunken ramblings of a friend who "f-ing hated him. I mean hate hate. But you're a good guy and we're cool. But I hate you too."  He just finds these things funny and sad. Plus, my husband is the most likeable guy in the world, so the best way to dissuade an over-amorous friend from chasing me, is to let them know my husband. Then suddenly they feel bad about wanting more than friendship with me.

My husband knows where we stand, and he's incredibly confident with where we are. I also tease him because when we first moved from friendquantances to a potential couple he had said to me (also drunkenly I might add) "I will like you as long as someone else does too" (People say the most interesting things with a little liquid courage).  He still kicks himself for that priceless gem, but I find it hilarious and love to remind him of it when we are surprised with the occasion drunken text of a former "might be."

I think being flirty has always been part of my personality, and I am not willing to change who I fundamentally am because other people don't know where to draw the line for themselves. As long as my husband trusts me, and I trust him, and we keep an open line of communication, I don't think change is necessary.

PS this was at Ailyn's wedding

I guess these "might have beens" are helpful to us too, because they remind both he and I how lucky we got to have each other. I find myself more and more in love as our time together progresses. More confident, more lucky, more happy that I don't have to venture out into the world without him by my side.

The Ups

Everything feels cyclical. Right when you think you can't take any more hard news then you get a kind break, maybe even a period of bliss, or visa-versa. So maybe sometimes it feels oblong, but I think you catch my drift. Only 2 months ago I was lamenting the fact that I didn't think we would have a house anytime soon with the rise in housing prices. I had accepted the seemingly apparent fact that I would have to wait at least a year to get a home, and you know what I was more than okay with that, buuuuut.....WE GOT A HOUSE! I just received the keys last night. Brian and I giddily walked around our empty house imagining what we could do in each room and all the projects they will entail. While I know we have a lot of work to do I am still more than excited.

To top off this news only two weeks ago I found out that my sister and her man got engaged! To make life even sweeter she has asked me to be her maid-of-honor. I'm just going to enjoy this moment in time before it passes me by.

In a slightly related note, with my sister getting engaged, I would like to put an offer out there. I made a "Mr. & Mrs." wedding sign for my own wedding last year. I saw something similar on Etsy and just made my own template to save myself the $50 plus shipping I would have had to pay. If there are any soon to be brides out there that would like one, I am offering to make this sign for the first person who makes a comment on the page (about yourself and anything else you would like to add). Later on we can discuss the color details and when I can ship it. You can use the sign for your pictures, sweetheart table or whatever. I also have the blue and white sign with yellow accented stenciling that I made for my wedding. I don't want to throw it in the recycling bin because it's still in good shape, so if you would like it for your wedding let me know!

A Future Delayed

Life isn't as convenient as it should be and growing up has not necessarily lived up to all its potential.I remember dreaming about what adulthood would be like when I was a little girl. I remember even going so far as making statements about what I would do different than my own parents. Now that I am a "grown up" I can help but feel I am still a little girl.

I wonder if everyone feels like this? Like the little kid who snuck downstairs to observe their parents party? I wonder if I will ever truly feel grown up.

Part of my assumption of not being a grown up has to do with my inability to lay down roots. We are on a terminal hold up. We don't want kids until we have the house, we can't afford the house until we pay off the student loan debt, we can't pay off the debt while we are wasting money renting, and so on and so on.

I wonder if these things worked themselves out, would I finally feel like an adult? Would I finally feel like I had some semblance of control over my life. Or do we always feel just a little bit lost?

Mother May I

My husband asked me permission to go out of state for a soccer game. I was a little surprised because I don't ask him for any permission to go out with my girlfriends. I know how important his guy time is and I cherish my girl time. I feel bad for other husband's who are actually afraid of their wives. I value my independence and while I do take his feelings into account when I do something, I don't like feeling caged or restricted. I still go to shows and party's by myself and don't mind if he does too. I told him if anything I just want to know how much money he is spending. I don't like my husband to be scared to ask me anything. I told him there is no reason to say no unless I am some crazy, selfish person.

While I don't like to restrict him I know I will be the kind of mom who says no to our kids. But my husband is not a child and I am not his mommy. His free spirit is one of the reasons that I love him. Whenever I get stuck in my ways he throws in his perspective and reminds me to value his opinion. Granting him permission to be himself sounds ludicrous.

Food = Love

There is an old saying the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Growing up dad always got the big piece of chicken and there was no shortage of food. My mother always cooked for ten people even though it was only 6. Now I have a hard time making smaller portions and pile on the food on my husband's plate. I cook traditional Mexican food and while I don't use all the lard my mom used; I don't skimp on the portions either. I don't want to make him fat; I just don't want to hear he is ever hungry after a meal. Yesterday I made him two bacon cheeseburgers with an extra side of bacon. He couldn't finish both so I know he was more than satisfied.

I don't mind special requests however I don't like critique of my cooking. There were plenty of times us kids told my mom, " I don't like that" and her response was "eat poop then." Making 3 meals day in and day out is taxing. Especially keeping is fresh and good for you. My husband cooks more than I do and I appreciate it so much. I eat pretty good on film sets I work on and make him a plate every chance I get. He gets jealous of he filet mignon lunches compared to his sandwich and chips, but I tell him it doesn't happen every day. I steal snacks from crafty and bring him his favorites. There is always leftovers so I get in good with catering and take trays full of food. One time I brought so much home my husband actually said "no more!" Food has so many memories for us, I try to make it special and good every chance I get. Our first date we shared some jerk chicken and I hope we don't stop sharing.

Smotherly Love

I am very close to my family. Some people may call that the ethnic in me, but I hold the relationship with my parents and siblings high on my priority list. Most times this benefits me. I feel I've grown a lot and am stronger for my close ties to them. I've even rubbed off on my husband, who is getting a reputation for being the thoughtful one of his brothers. I think how someone treats their family, the good and the bad of them, reflects a lot on how they will treat their spouse and even more on who they fundamentally are as a person. This extends to extended family and close friends as well.

However....

I'm beginning to feel a bit smothered. Is it just me or was there more opportunity to check out of family obligations prior to the "I do"? I don't begrudge every event, family get together, or family crisis, but lately I feel like dough that has been rolled out too thin. I can't remember the last weekend the husband and I have had to ourselves. This puts life into great perspective when I think of how bored I was as a kid when my parents didn't want to do anything "fun" over the weekends. Gosh, they must have been exhausted!

I feel like I am being run around in circles, between work and obligations, I am pretty sure I only see my husband in bed or when one or both of us is too sick to make other plans. I would like to spend weekends on just us, but inevitably,  someone will expect us over and we'll feel guilty if we put ourselves first.

Add to this my sister has been living with us, which is great and helpful, but sometimes suffocating. She has a tendency to run the house as if it were her own... Literally reprimanding me for whatever I do that doesn't meet her liking. I mean, its still my home right?

And my mom is already planning our anniversary? Not like a party, but like a family vacation. And its weird. Because, in my mind, I feel our anniversary should be a private time about us as a couple, not a big public event. I feel like I'm selfish if I want to just do something nice with the husband and I, but I also feel annoyed that we don't even get THIS day for ourselves.

Of course, one of the things I am super jealous of is not having a day for myself, I figured our anniversary can be this. My birthday is Christmas Eve, which invariably sucks because it typically means I am forgotten or that everyone is too busy to make me more than an afterthought. I figured our anniversary could be about what Hubs and I want, and we get the feel special. And while I would love a family vacation, one on our anniversary isn't about us much, is it?


The cherry on top, if you remember my taxes post, is that we want to get a house. I need my own space, and I don't want to settle for a place that doesn't fit us. So added to my brother's advice of getting a place in a less nice area is my in-laws advice and sales pitch of buying a house in the mountains (3-4 hours from work) that we can use sometimes on the weekends and the rest of the family can use when we're not.... Did I hear that right? Because this is like asking us to buy a vacation home for the family rather than-- yet again-- taking care of us.

I know what a chicken with its head cut off feels like.  So how do you learn to say no? How do you reconcile your needs with wanting to be nice and accommodating? This is my current journey.

Step 1, I am making 100 days about myself. In the next 100 days, I am going to focus on my husband and my wants and needs as a priority.  Its already a daunting task because neither of us like to disappoint anyone. So why do we keep allowing us to disregard ourselves?

Is this house my home?

Brian and I have been married for just about 5 months now and we have our next big goal: To move into our own home. Just 6 months ago I was obsessively watching 4 weddings, Say Yes to the Dress and compulsively clicking on wedding websites. You'll now find HDTV as a favorite'd channel on our Windows Media Center. In fact I've told Brian that Scott McGillivray, from the show Income Property, is now my TV Husband. There's just something about an intelligent man that can actually build things with his hands, but that's a big reason I love my Brian anyway.

So as of January we went and talked to a lender, got pre-approved for a loan, got ourselves a realtor and have been scouring online resources for new homes to visit. What we didn't realize is that we just missed the window of housing price lows, and what we had assumed would be a more than adequate budget has turned into minced meat. We find the houses we are attracted to are just above the price range we have settled on. It's an aggressive market where seller's can ask for much more than what their houses are appraised for or what comparable houses have gone for.

In fact, when talking to realtors we found ourselves in discussions about blind offers, unconventional methods of closing a deal, and offering much more than these over-bloated listing prices. When we first started this journey to find a home I was giddy about the experience, but as time moves on this experience is wearing on me. Brian and I have decided that while we are sick and tired of apartment living, and our ganja-loving neighbor, we don't want to make a purchase this large and feel this uncomfortable doing so. If we have to wait and save more money then so be it. In case you didn't know this a 20% down payment on a house saves you quite a bit of money on your mortage because you don't have to pay something called PMI (private mortage insurance). It adds a pretty penny to your monthly mortgage payments until you get to a 20% equity mark. If you don't have the 20% down a convential loan will save you a bit of money on PMI but your credit score needs to be solid. Anyhow, I've gotten off topic. Brian and I have made a couple promises to each other in this house-hunt:

1) We have to be able to purchase a home pretending that only one income can afford our everyday living expenses and the mortgage. It makes it harder to find a house but we don't want to he house-rich and cash-poor. We want to enjoy life and if we bind ourselves to a mortgage payment that is a beast, we will always be under the stress of making ends meet.

2) Location and school district are more important than finishes and square footage. While we all want both at the perfect price, it's a very difficult thing to achieve. I can buy a 2,200 square foot house on a half an acre lot at a steal of a price, but it will most likely be next to mental hospital or cemetery. It's all preference, but location is ours.

There are many things we want and prefer but everything, except the aforementioned, is negotiable. Sometimes I find myself getting slightly depressed over the large increase in prices, but I constantly remind myself that I am more than okay. Everything is great, and one day Brian and I will have our own home that we can start our family in. A home where I can bake pies and paint in an art room, a garage Brian can work on his car and store his outdoor toys, walls that will one day have crayon marks all over them and a backyard where we can hold outdoor movie nights. I am so ready for this part of our lives, but it's a good thing I have some semblance of a patient personality, otherwise I'd be more crazy than I normally am!

You + Me = us

Its been a little while since I've posted, though I have stopped and started posts too many times to count in the last 3 weeks. It wasn't writer's block so much as it was emotional exhaustion.

Here at the McB house, crises are as abundant as as snow in the mountains. Between being sick, my sister getting in a car accident, hubby's family dealing with a couple of major medical issues, I am plum worn out.

So what do you do when the world is shattering around you? You cling to the most stable thing around you and hope for the best. That's my husband. My stable thing.

I won't say I have the perfect husband. I'm sure we both have laundry lists of things we wish the other would improve on. I would give my eye teeth for more romance and I would not be surprised if he sold his soul to have me be the driver more. Yet our short comings are insignificant when compared to our dedication to each other's happiness.

I am starting to realize that in spite of our many years together before the wedding, we were never one entity or one force. We were always K or S. There was no guarantee.  Now its like an unspoken requirement that you choose your spouse's feelings and need above anyone else's. You are a team and if you want that to last, you work at developing this new joint identity.

Its a very strange metamorphosis, the blurring together into one. It doesn't happen all at once. Instead, the realization that you are less of a "me" and more of a "we" seems as natural as growing your hair. Soon people start treating you like you are a single being, as if all knowledge imparted to either of you is shared by osmosis.

Maybe it is.

At the very least there is a lot more intimate conversation. Or should be, if you expect the marriage to grow instead of shrivel.

Its not even weird to call him my husband anymore. People have stopped asking the dreaded "How's married life?" 7 months into marriage I now feel we are married.

That was then or is it now?

I love the forties & fifties fashion, music and the hopeful spirit of the American family. I have a friend who is completely immersed in that era and vacuums with a vintage machine in her high heels and vintage dress! Well I am not that obsessed I do find it hard to accept those that think old fashioned about my place in the kitchen. My whole purpose in life is not based on how clean I keep the house. I was actually disgusted at the pope's comments that sometimes a woman deserves a beating for not cooking, cleaning and keeping her husband happy! How ludicrous!

My husband knows I would rather go to work 12 hours a day than stay at home being a maid. There is more to life than pleasing others. One has to expand yourself and find those hidden talents. Often those are just as rewarding to others as much as it rewards yourself. Taking pride in being a contributing force is what makes people happy. And if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy.

These ads are lies making you think they know what being a good wife/woman is. The last one is so condescending implying all women are useless. But since I think these are foolish, I will have to chart my own, new way.

He's not heavy, he's my husband.

Being the big sister of the family, I always felt an obligation to help my younger siblings. After all, I had a high-paying job since I was 16 and have always shopped at thrift stores. My biggest expense was rent, and that was because I insisted on living in my own place. So, how did I get to the point where I can't support myself anymore? Up until now we have split everything right down the middle and I didn't live above my means. I want to be the feminist, Independant woman I claim to be. So why can't I keep my head above water? One thing is for sure is that I have put in plenty of hours at work. (I actually had a 22 hour work day this year and only got $100 for it!)

It makes me feel like such a burden to my family to not be able to give them any help. My mom says every couple goes through this when they are first starting out. But I feel like I have been eating Ramen for the past 10 years, when do we get a break? J reminded me that my hard work is paying off and I have nowhere to go but up. It had been weighing so heavily on my mind; it was a relief to finally have real support. For so long I made sure to always look out for myself and help family when I could. Now I have family to help me and just when I needed it most.

The State of the Union

Nothing can put more heat into a relationship, and not in a good way, as money and politics. Whether the politics are referring to the local or national government or the politics of any typical family, it is easy to ended up jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

So its tax season. People may tell you that one of the perks of getting married is the tax break. Well, I'm sure that happens once you have a house or 2 or three kids in the picture. However, for two hard working, able bodied, child free, renting, young Californians... You might be screwed.

It seems we are. I mentioned  in a previous post that we had done everything possible to not be a burden on others and to not go into debt over our wedding.

One of my plans of action was, unsurprisingly, to work my butt off. In addition to my normal day job, I freelance as a production designer and as a writer.  In order to defer the cost of our wedding, I freelanced a lot. Way more than usual. I ended up earning an extra $11,000 last year, which in turn was a magic number for a wedding and a nice honeymoon. The trouble with this type of work is taxes are taken on the back end and I could not anticipate jumping tax brackets so severely that the government would ask for 10k of that back at the end of the year.  With that extra 11K my taxes quintupled. How do you plan for that? How do you set aside that large of an increase? Well, it wasn't simply tax brackets, it was also joint property, more stringent rules for claiming student loan interest. This weekend we ran into the a+b+c = us being screwed.

This of course is not the end, we need to go to a tax guy (or gal) to work things out better. Maybe turbo tax was on crack. I had let my husband fill out the documents initially and he drastically underestimates our expenses, including what I can and should deduct for basically owning my own business. I wanted to set his mind at ease by seeing what numbers would come up if we filed married but separate. This is when panic set in. Because suddenly my standard deductions disappeared. I was staring at the horrid red numbers thinking, "where did I go wrong?" The answer was, we got married.

Lets face it, our American government is not exactly the most accommodating to people of my generation. Student loan debt is drowning many of those who might be our future leaders. People are failing to put down roots or get married because we just can't afford to. And the government wonders why the nation is in crisis. The education system has basically created a generation without hope, a dwindling middle class trying to keep its head above the water. Add to that, if you dare to brave a forward path, you will be given little to no assistance. It really makes you wonder why you work so hard. Suddenly, you have a lot more sympathy for those relying on welfare, because it seems the American economy would prefer its citizens to embrace that lifestyle.

I wonder, 100 years in the future, if the history books will talk about the American generation that stopped being. The ones who chose or were forced to revert to a child like existence. To move home in their 20's and 30's. The ones who could not afford to "have a life" so instead reverted to safer places like video games and Facebook. These are the people who might have magnified hope and lead progress. But instead, they have been crippled. Their path ripped out from under them.

You can probably guess I am frustrated. I think I went into a debt coma when I saw those numbers. I know once I recover I can be more proactive, but for the moment I am wallowing.

I know one of the reasons we waited as long as we did to get married was because of debt. I'm a good girl, my only debt is my student loan, but damn is it a whopper. Now, my scrimping and saving and working 12 hour days to make things a little easier for us had apparently been a trap waiting to be deployed.

All I could think about was my poor husband, and how are we going to get through this if we can't find ways to lower it? Well, I could empty out my piggy bank, so much for traveling to Poland to see his brother or having a down payment for a house in the near future. Thank you America for dooming us to stagnancy.

I told my brother, hoping for advice on a tax guy. Instead we got lectured about how we're doing "it" wrong. "It" being life. He told us we needed to buy a house, as though we didn't already know this. But where would the money come from? I mean the government wants my nest egg back. He suggested we find a cheap home in a bad neighborhood. I wondered if my safety would be a smart compromise for my financial well being. I mean, who wants to live in a neighborhood where they aren't happy to go outside for a walk. He suggested if not the "not so good" neighborhoods locally, perhaps we should move 2 hours away from our work to where prices are more reasonable. Again, I couldn't imagine much joy in a 4 hour a day commute to our offices. Jobs, I might add, that we love.

I expected my hubby to be grumpy. I sure was. I apologized to my parents in advance for being short and to friends and family for not driving to watch the Superbowl with them as gas is expensive. But Scott simply held me and told me its okay, we'll figure it out. Now, we'll scale back and take care of ourselves, rather than working to pay off loans that refuse to go down. He promised he'd find some way to keep my nest egg and coaxed me to put down my work for the night and instead play some video games and relax. Work will still be there tomorrow. He calmed me down, and hopefully, my creative thinking will kick in, and we can move past this bump. But I really cannot deny that  I have a wonderful husband.

On the upside, this learning experience has taught us, not to kill ourselves over repaying our debt, because all that hard work will come to bite us. All advances will be nullified. So simply. lets enjoy what time we have. Let take those 4 extra hours of work and make them 4 extra hours of play instead.  Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you work or how many extra hours you give to paying back your perceived debt. Maybe the most important thing our generation has left to cling to is our joy. Lets not let anything take that away from us.

Is it time for a contest yet?

My favorite time as a budget bride was when I got something for nothing... or next to nothing. This was because weddings were so much more expensive than I had ever dreamed! My husband and I were paying for the event ourselves, and wanted to stretch our money as much as possible for the important stuff like showing our parents a special time, without throwing ourselves into debt, which is no way to start a life together. I entered many contests, won a few great prizes, and learned a lot about myself in the process. Every little bit helped weave the fantasy into a reality. I was blessed by many good friends who offered their services and expertise to help fill out my baby budget.

I am also the girl who haphazardly ended up with 6-- count that-- 6 wedding dresses.

Now that the dust is settling on my life, it may be time to give back.

Over the next year or so we hope to raffle off some of our favorite pieces from our own weddings, and maybe a few brand new keepsakes and a brand new wedding gown to lucky blog readers and those who like our page on facebook and follow us on twitter.

So here goes:
After 30 Facebook Likes or 20 unique people's comments on the blog, we will raffle away our first prize.

So get liking! https://www.facebook.com/PaperTrailsMarriage

For now its a surprise, but its something every lady can use on her wedding day.

Throwing Out The Baby

I have gotten into such a locked battle over who was going to wash the dishes. I admit to throwing away those that were just too gross rather than touching them. eek! But I do my share of the chores, even though I feel like this picture sometimes.

When is it my turn?

I thought I was too liberal for my
conservative mother in law. I saw myself as a she devil who had sex before marriage and would drag her son to hell. But never judge a book by it's cover. The more I asked questions about her life and such, the more I found we had in common. All these assumptions I was making were unfair on myself and her. We had one big thing in common and that is that we both love J. I took this to heart and now make an effort to keep the dialogue open and a hand written card really goes a long way.
It has literally taken years to chip away the delicate layers and see that true love is there. I get the best, most thoughtful presents and cards from her. I tell her all the time what a great son she made! We do have disagreements and that's when I have to think back to what MY mom said. "It will all change when you have kids." lols

And None for Gretchen Weiners

I don't know if I consider myself a jealous person as a whole. I try to swallow down those emotions whenever I feel them creeping in. Ugly, dark, self loathing emotions stalking me like a predator. I banish them to the netherworld with hope, hard work, and forward momentum. Truth is, I usually can not care less what kind of car you drive, or what designer clothes you wear. I'm fairly immune to jealousy at the materialistic level. But, jealous over other people's perceptions really strikes a chord.A chord, that no matter how hard I try, I cannot unhear.

Case it point, I am jealous of my two sister in laws.

Again, it isn't because these women have anything physical that I want. I wouldn't trade my career, or relationship, nor my close circle of friends, nor my looks or hopes or dreams for theirs. But, what they do seem to have is the approval of my Mother in Law.

Truth is, I don't even know that she disapproves of me, necessarily.  She's always been nice enough, but not what I would call warm to me. I mean I walk into the room and see exactly how my husband's father, grandparents, even aunts and uncles feel about me. They like me, but his mom is a different story. There is just this overwhelming sense of removal in our interaction. A wall.

At first I thought it was bad timing. My husband began dating me just as his brother was going through a particularly bitter divorce. I figured it was guilt by association. I mean, could you blame a mom for being particularly protective of her cubs after living through that? Still, I figured over time, as she got to know me and see I was nothing like my brother in laws ex, that I would develop my place in the family.

It did not quite work out that way.  My husband and I were just not around enough for his mother and I to truly develop a comfort around each other. Hubs and I were always away at school, or working. I know it bothered her when he bought me a car or when we moved in together, but I honestly didn't hold that against her. She was simply worried about her son and I wasn't yet a permanent fixture. It wasn't because we didn't plan to get married, but rather because we liked having all our ducks in a row in regards to our education and our personal responsibilities before we took the leap.

In time, my husbands brothers started relationships with their now wives. These women instantly became much closer to my mother in law than I was. My hubby justified it by saying it had to do with proximity. They lived a lot closer and were more willing than I to ask for assistance. I was "too self sufficient for my own good," he said.

My mother in law took an active part in planning both of these women's weddings, as opposed to my homespun shindig where I swam upstream alone save for my sister and immediate family. Again the husband claimed, it was because they needed the help more. They were not as financially stable as we were. Plus we didn't explicitly ask for help.  But, I couldn't help but feel a little stung. I always prided myself on not being anyone's burden, yet in this scenario, it seemed like a bad thing to be. I should have asked for more help, but I was always told not to. I was taught to wait until someone offers. 

I remember asking him how he would feel if my family wasn't willing to get involved or help? Would he feel like they disapproved of him? Because to me, my family's support felt like they were welcoming my husband into the ranks rather than turning their back on us.

Add to this the moment after we got engaged, before we had the opportunity to even ask for help, when his parents took us out to dinner to let us know that they could not afford to help us with the wedding. They had just purchased a house for my brother and sister in law and were "all tapped out". It only made the determination in me to make throw an amazing wedding for as little as possible burn a little brighter in my belly. I didn't think it phased me then, but retrospectively it stung like hell. Why did they deserve a house, and we, who worked so hard to do what's right and had been loyal to each other for so long, the best we got was a couple of slices of BJ's pizza?

So maybe I am being crazy sensitive. Maybe I am reading into a scenario that doesn't truly exist. Maybe I am simply jealous.

The distance I felt with his mom was magnified by how she'd bend over backwards for my sisters in law. Even if they notoriously left the party early or stood it up altogether. We were the ones that never forgot a birthday, or drove 3 hours in traffic to see them. We were the ones who tried to show our appreciation with extra efforts and fancy chocolates.

But they needed the attention more than I did, right?  It wasn't that I didn't sympathize with their circumstances. Its just, yet again, I don't know what I am doing wrong.

I don't even feel mad at them or at my MIL. There is no anger here at anyone but myself. Just stupid jealousy about not being good enough or likeable. Or maybe there is fundamentally something wrong with me? Maybe I don't meet the standards. This is how I process these feelings. Not that I am too "together" and don't need the extra consideration or attention, but rather that I am broken somehow. The tarnished leaf on the pristine family tree. And I can justify the hell out of why kindness directed elsewhere leaves me standing in the cold beyond the wall.

Hubby wonders why I worry about these things. Why should it matter? I should be proud that no one needs to pick me up when I fall or tell me I'm good, because I already am good. I wish I were comforted. I wish I could let go of my doubts and anxiety and live in the blissful unawareness that comes naturally to some.

This feeling of dejection came to a head, though the feelings have been brewing for a while, this weekend as I wandered the halls of his parent's home-- the only daughter in law to make it to my hubby's mother's birthday dinner. I was getting a tour of the gifts his mom was making for my in laws.

I smiled contritely because I had not learned the finer arts of quilt weaving and that somehow made me less of a woman. Along the walls were wedding pictures of both sets of in laws. At least 4-5 of each couple smilingly adorning the walls. Yet our wedding picture was distinctly absent. I was distinctly absent. 7 years in the family, and my presence was unmistakeably nowhere in the house. They may thank us for coming out to see them, but the truth is, I don't feel welcome or wanted there. Is that "thank you" any more than lip service? Would they rather my hubby visit alone? If my husband had married someone different, someone more traditional who longed to be a house wife, would that women be more accepted? More loved?

The worst part is the not knowing. The worst part is that maybe what I view as a slight is simply that they didn't think it would bother us, that we simply wouldn't care. Maybe it isn't dislike at all, maybe I was simply overlooked. An innocent oversight.

And would that make it better?

Or would I still feel like the only girl in the clique that wasn't sent a candy cane?

The Waiting Game and Other Irrational Annoyances

Let me qualify this post by stating that I am a hypochondriac. As a young girl my favorite books to read were the one's where the heroine was battling some life threatening illness that she bravely, yet painfully succumbed to. I am darker than some might think. After a good sob over the loss, I would come to the belief that I was dying of the same ailment. Cancer, a weak heart, consumption. Yes I've had them all in my head. And, like the heroines of those books, I held my head up bravely and told no one, while I suffered in silence until my next imaginary disease. I am sure this delusion was coupled by the fact that as I was growing up, my father has battled through a number of very real and very serious ailments that colored my childhood with words only a pharmacist should know.

Anyhow, I am late. Going on three weeks now. Much like Aillyn and Brian, Scott and I have wanted to wait to conceive. We liked the idea of having the freedom to travel or be spontaneous, and we are firm believers of bringing kids into the world only when we have the stability and financial means to take care of them. Unlike Ailyn, everyone in the known universe is cheering for our conception and quick. Probably because I am the anti-woman. I like my career and relative freedom. Or maybe because contrary to my Facebook page, I am older than I look. I do not dislike children, in fact, I have a knack with them, and lately the idea has been on my mind-- abstract  and of the future, but in it no less.

So of course the first thought when your this late might be, "I must be pregnant." Despite our careful practices, the idea did cross my mind. Yes I know you can miss a period because of stress (and I have had my fair share) and diet change (Did I mention I am three weeks into being a pescetarian), and hormone shifts (Guess that is what they mean by the tofu estrogen connection). It can also mean cancer. My mind is trying to wrap around all possible notions of what can be causing my delay and not wanting to face the more devastating options... Well I peed on the stick today and it was negative. This means I should go to the doctor I suppose. My husband always has to fight me to go. Even when I caught H1N1 I fought tooth and nail to stay home-- made myself better off raw garlic, ginger, and cayenne pepper. Think that will work for this too? Perhaps I just don't want them to confirm the worst case scenario I am already playing out in my head. Anyhow, I gave myself a deadline. If my period does not come by xx date and I am still "not pregnant" I have to bite the bullet. I hate bullets.

Speaking of bullets. Adding to this stress. Someone posted this picture on Facebook and I was livid. One because I am a pacifist, and two because I don't care what your opinions or beliefs are, you should never exploit someone else to prove your point.

So the hubby and I ended up in a big argument over this, since he is a gun enthusiast and I, well, I am still on the fence. However, what got my blood boiling was that he (and the person who posted this) could not see what I found so offensive. No, I have no problem with you using guns to protect your own home, responsibly. I do, however, take huge offense to offering up one's neighbor as prey. This sign basically says, "please attack my neighbor, don't worry. I got your back." I was incensed. I told the hubby, what makes this different than our neighbor saying "There is a fancy sports car in the garage, here's the combination, no I won't call the police."

The argument was heated. Hubby is always surprised on what strange things bring out the passionate advocate in me. Eventually I calmed down, and he assured me that he loves me for how "Good" I am. I figure I am here to balance him out. :P

-K

Babies and Stuff

I love babies. I am that overly enthusiastic woman in the grocery store that can't stop staring and making silly faces at your baby. Everyone knows that lady that either excites and brings laughter or scares and brings tears to your baby. Either way I'm sure you want me to stop. I can't help it. For as long as I can remember I've dreamt of having my own family. Now that I am married the next logical step would appear to be having children. For the last year it's felt like the want to have babies has grown exponentially, and I've been begging my husband for one (or two). He gives me a sweet smile and says what he really feels, which is simply that he is not ready for little ones. Many days I daydream of having a little Brian running around and then I sigh to myself. Brian says he wouldn't want to take that step for at least another two years.

Strangely something inside of me has changed. Lately the thought of crying babies, the inability to make random or spontaneous decisions, the money and most importantly the responsibility for another person's life has made the choice to stay baby-less sounds better and better. I am unsure of what has brought this on, maybe it's talking to those who have children who encourage the wait or the fact that I've been more aware of the fun of just being a couple able to do what we please. Maybe even both. The older I get the harder it gets to think of the great responsibility of children. This must be a junction that many women face so I'll just keep enjoying the married life as it is now. I'm sure Brian and I will do whatever we feel is best for us, and either decision will be just fine.

Witnessing

So, we finally got a letter today from the courthouse on why we haven't received our marriage certificate.  One of our witnesses put the wrong house number on his address and crossed out ONE number.  Well any alterations or unintelligible writing makes the certificate invalid!   I can't believe all the waiting and worrying over ONE number!  Now we have to get the officiant to sign another form and pay another $30.  I was complaining before the wedding what a drag changing my name would be; now I am really frustrated.  So warning to all your witnesses, it's a harder job than you think!

Falling in the Toilet at 1 in the Morning

When you think of married couples (or cohabiting couples) what is the most stereotypical and common quarrel that comes to mind? Well for me it's either "Why are your dirty socks on the living room floor?" or a variation of it. A day before my mom's birthday, which was a few weeks ago, Brian and I got in our first brawl as a married couple. After a day of being lazy I looked around our apartment and felt I was in the middle of a hoarders episode. The dishes in the sink were piled high, the dirty clothes were brimming outside of their hampers, each visible counter was cluttered with papers, cups or some type of electronics, and it all made me feel as if I were going insane. It takes pure unadulterated avoidance behavior to let your living quarters get to that point, so I got up and started cleaning one thing at a time. My hubby was busy helping me with my mom's gift so I stayed quiet when he didn't get up to help me around the house, which was only fair, BUT it made me start thinking of other times I felt that I was doing more of the household chores, how many times I was the one to initiate the cleaning and how I felt I was always nagging about something that needed to be done or put away. That's when the resentment started pouring in, and I stayed quiet, letting it simmer within me. It was the wrong thing to do, but I didn't let that stop me. I remembered that time in the middle of the night when half asleep I stumbled into the restroom and I fell into the toilet because someone forgot to leave the toilet seat down. Then there was that time that I excitedly grabbed the fruit snack box in the cabinet only to find that it was empty, but left there, lying about its contents. Oh and that time that I almost stepped on the hand saw left in the office after a hurried DIY project was completed. All things I had asked him to either put down, throw away or put away. So many different little things were rushing through my head and all the while I stayed deathly quiet. After a full night of giving one to two word answers Brian asked what was wrong, and then I broke. I started yelling about how I felt like at times I was acting more like mom than a wife and how I would appreciate some more help. He quietly listened, as he hardly ever yells, and then reminded me that I can do some of the same things I was accusing him of. It hadn't dawned upon me that was ever the case, and I felt a bit embarrassed for not thinking of it. I kept arguing anyway because of the anger that I had held in all day. Since we started this argument as we were about to fall asleep I had to stop myself and at least give him a hug before I fell asleep, even if I was still a bit angry and things felt unresolved. As soon as I did things felt a bit better and lighter. The next day we had a calm conversation about the root of the matter. While I realize these things such as cleaning up and putting things away may seem shallow, it was really the case of treating each other with respect and understanding that both partners need to work in unison in even the most mundane chores. I was reminded that 1) its plain silly to keep these things in and let yourself hold in anger, 2) sometimes we can forget that we ourselves are guilty of the things we accuse others of and 3) be honest about the things that bother you, but of course in a tactful way. As always I will keep learning about myself and about us as a couple. Just thought I would share those little yet very real fights that we all seem to have. One last thing I learned, don't drink 32 ounces of water about an hour before you fall asleep, it helps with the not falling in the toilet dilemma.

The Shoe String Budget Bride

No one ever prepared me for how expensive weddings were. Since I was atypical and not the wedding dreamer type, I had never done research into the subject until I was engaged. The truth is, I used to believe spending $10,000 on a one day even was only for those willing to go over the top. Thanks to my naivete, I was probably more insensitive than I should be to friends and acquaintances who were heading to the alter. I will admit, I was offended by weddings I wasn't invited to, and have, on at least one occasion, RSVP'd and failed to show.

Of course I sent a present, but now I know that that simply is not enough.

The average wedding in Southern California today is $26,000.

At that rate you might never get married. In the peak of a recession who has that kind of money to spend frivolously? I mean, I'm still hiding under rocks from my student loan debt.

This being the case, the Mr. and I tried to be as practical as possible about our decision for a wedding. We wanted to keep a budget that we would be able to pay for out right rather than pay off for years to come. We didn't have family money to fall back on, so we had to plan a wedding without our heads in the clouds.

Of course, I am also a princess.

I refused to look back on our wedding with regrets of "Oh I wish we did something nice" as I looked at the crayola drawn photographs of the Little Cesar's Pizza and Entemans cake we might have served.   Overkill? Yeah, probably.

I'm sure you could throw a wedding for cheaper than we did, and if you can and are content to do so, Awesome! I would love to hear your story or advice for other brides.In fact, had we done a cruise wedding like we initially planned, we could have gotten by with about $2000 cheaper, but also would have had less guests.  I am fairly proud of what we made possible with our bitty budget.

The magic number was $6500. It was to include clothes, food, lodging, decoration, drinks, and any other expense for the day sans my engagement ring. It was a number that had me and the hubby setting aside between $500-$700 a month without drastically hurting our lifestyle or running up our credit cards.

We did a lot of things ourselves. I still scoured the bridal blogs for ideas, and when I came accross something I loved, I researched how to make it happen for less.
 
We ended up having a stunning 4th of July wedding for 100 guests, complete with a full meal, harpist, a designer gown (never worn), custom cake, and lodging for immediate family and wedding party (25 people) for 4 days at a beautiful bed and breakfast. The moral is: With perseverance anything can be done.

Finding the perfect location was a priority. The view from the reception site.

So here are my rules for getting the most bang for your buck in no particular order:

1. Be honest with yourself. If you have to have something, make sure you set a budget than can accommodate it. If you can't afford it, be honest with yourself with what you can afford.

2. Prioritize. Location was key for us. I wanted a location that spoke to who we were as a couple, and I wanted that location to include at least an overnight stay for us and our parents. It was important to me that I found a place that would allow us to treat our families to the comfort they deserved. I set aside nearly half my budget for this and providing our family with their getaway. So (back to point 1) I knew the remainder of my wedding could cost no more than $3500 and had to be honest with myself about what was still doable at that point.

Our unity sand was found on Ebay for half the price it was on Etsy.

Our Amazing Harpist

3. Be honest with your vendors. I would walk into a meeting with a vendor with my absolute budget range for their services. If they couldn't meet it or work with me, I knew I had to walk away. The truth is that sometimes explaining your situation makes vendors willing to work with you. We were blessed with a phenomenal baker, photographer, and musician because we were open and honest and gave them reason to want to work with us. I actually asked our photographer to keep me on standby, if she didn't find a better paying gig 3 weeks before hand, would she consider working with us under budget. She agreed and was probably one of the best things about my wedding.

My hundred dollar dress and the homemade wood and brooch bouquet.

4.  Ebay is your friend. I don't know why no one remembers this for your wedding. Ebay is filled with brides who have left over decor and favors at a fraction of the cost. More amazing-- if you know your size and the styles/designers you like, many bridal shops that close offer their inventory here at a fraction of the cost. I was able to score a $1400 Maggie Sottero for $100 that I wore on my wedding day. Because I hadn't realized how easy it was to win a designer dress this way, I also bid on 4 more $1000+ Watters dresses and won them for even less. Later in the blog we will be raffling off these new designer dresses to lucky blog readers.

5. Etsy may be your enemy. Do your research sometimes you can find the same items there for half the price on Amazon. Some deals are good here. Mainly, Etsy is good for DIY ideas which leads us to...

6. When in doubt, do it yourself. There are plenty of online tutorials that will assist in your decorating needs. Sites like the dollar tree and save-oncrafts.com can truly be lifesavers.

7. Ask for help. You never know who knows someone who knows someone or who has special hidden talents they are willing to donate. We had DJ and Videographer on donated time.

8. A little creativity goes a long way. For the creative types: Florists, Bakers, photographers-- Allowing them some creative freedom allows them to get excited about your wedding. You will find they are much more willing to work with you upgrading your package for free even, if you give them a project they can get excited about. For example. Our baker loved the cake idea and upgraded the cake in order to execute it for her portfolio. Think creatively about your personal choices as well. Do you need to have your reception in a Hall? Or would a Coffee shop be more fun? Creative decisions can save big $$$$.

9. No one is superwoman. Forgive yourself for moments that you are overwhelmed. Its unfortunate that it happens, but it happens to us all.  Remember a wedding is about both you and the hubby, so when you feel you have too much on your plate, don't feel guilty sharing the burden.

10. You don't have to say yes. If you have any doubt, either because of cost or simply because of a bad feeling about any of your vendors, it is your right to walk away. There will always be other photographers, bakers, and locations.  You need to feel comfortable with your choices in order to truly enjoy your wedding.

11. Stay true to you. Everyone in the world will tell you what your wedding should be. Most of them are wrong. Your wedding is about you and your love. Celebrate that however you want. Regardless if you spend $50 or  $50,000, your wedding will be beautiful because it is a reflection of you.


xoxo!
Kristy Winter