Last night a friend posted her pregnancy announcement: an early sonogram amongst of nest of bluebird eggs. I knew that they had been trying to conceive since August if not earlier when we were discussing such things at the marriage of mutual friends. While I am absolutely thrilled for her, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy every time friends or family or acquaintances share their glad tidings and excitement. I definitely don't think we're ready for a baby and we are not actually trying, but still, a part of me feels like less of a woman and less of an adult for not crossing that bridge yet. Yet I find a growing pit of envy whenever I see these types of post and thanks to Facebook I see them on a daily basis. Baby pics, nursery news, and sonograms have really become my digital social life. 5 years ago, I scoffed whenever I saw them, feeling a bit sorry for those girls I knew whose only goal was to catch a man and have a family. I wondered about their sense of self worth and identity if that was the only thing that they strove for. Lately I am softening toward this plight. Watching those I grew up with or went to school with announcing their 3rd or 4th children has a way of making me feel behind in my life. I know I don't want 3 or 4 children. I am still debating between 1 or 2. I am still debating between conception or adoption. I still don't have my duckies in a row. And yet....
I'm nesting too, but my concept of nesting is a bit different. I want to accomplish so much more in my life than simply having a family, though I see that in my future too. For now, I am focusing my energy and emotions on my book and screenplay. I am tending to their needs and coddling them and reading "baby books" or rather research to help my brain children develop into fully functional or rather dysfunctional adults. My brain babies have just as much riding on them as the prospect of future flesh and blood children. My hopes and dreams are carried on their backs. It is a big burden I suppose.
I'm nesting for myself and my relationship. You know how some people have a bucket list? I guess hubby and I have a bottle list: The things we hope to accomplish and experience before bringing a little one into the universe. Those brain babies above are on that list. I would like to have the book published and the screenplay ready to shoot if not sold before I have a baby. Hubby and I would like to have a house we call our own with some space for a functional garage/workspace for him and a yard and a writing room for me. I like the concept of security, and will likely feel insecure and creatively stunted until we accomplish this goal. I would like to go on at least two major trips out of the country without the responsibility of a child in tow. We have one of these tentatively scheduled for next summer and I am looking into the possibility of taking a trip I've long dreamed of this winter when my work is slow. I would like at least half our existing debts paid off before we have a child. We've already cleared away all our credit card and 90% of our car loans. We just need to whittle down those student loans at least by half before we consider a baby. We would like to both be a little healthier, we're currently challenging ourselves to focus on a routine of working out and eating clean so that we can raise a child in our best physical condition. That project alone may take another year to accomplish. I would like to have my business under control so I am still making good money, but dedicating normal hours rather than the excessive amount I put in currently. There is the potential of having partial ownership of the company I work for, so I need to work this year and revitalizing it so I can make a more informed decision.
There's a lot I would like to do before I am someone's mother. My list might take 6 months it maybe 6 years. I know its something I want and I wonder if anyone feels "ready" when a family happens? And who knows, maybe accomplishing any single item from the list above will be enough to say "I'm ready, lets try!" or maybe even after every item on my bottle list is checked I will still feel too young and immature and selfish. For now I will simply look enviously at the posts of those who are ready for that responsibility and wonder when I'll ever truly feel grown up.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Of Buns and Ovens
Nope not pregnant. Didn't mean to get you all excited. And no pregnancy isn't overwhelmingly on my brain. Neither is finding a house, which it had been for so long. Instead we decided to focus on becoming debt free, so I took a good chunk out of the nest egg and put it towards our debts: car debt, credit card debt, woosh! vanished. Now we just have to conquer our student loans and look toward recovering that bit of nest egg while we consider where to build said nest.
We've been talking a lot about where we would like to see ourselves in five to ten years, and we both agree that if possible, we would like to be able to work part time only, and lead a slightly slower paced life focusing on personal projects that make us happy. This is on the tail of a rather dramatic and potentially traumatic (or amazing) patch of rough water in my office. While the drama does not directly involve me, it could potentially change my life for the better or the worse in the next month or so. Insecurity is dangerous place to totter.
We've been talking a lot to my brother about financial issues etcetera. My brother, who makes three times more money than hubby and I, yet is 5 times more likely to have to borrow money, feels he is in a good position to tell us what we should be doing and why what we are doing is stupid... In any event, he has a beautiful new home with a pool, somewhere around the armpit of the golden coast and we in turn weigh our options. Because while 10 times the space we live in filled with every comfort a young couple could desire is tempting. Being able to walk to the beach, makes us pretty darn spoiled. As does the wonderfully breezy rarely sweltering climate, and access to food and culture and art within walking distance. Would we like a yard and a space that feels more like a home than a "place we stay"? Yes, absolutely. But we don't have school aged kids to think of in terms of space and convenience. Nor are we particularly invested in any one area. And in August, my brothers Mc Mansion will be his only respite from the Mc Oven of the Inland Empire.
We've actually been considering saving up and buying a hippie farm somewhere near Santa Barbara. We'd purchase the land outright and basically create our own community of homes filled with neighbors we want to spend the rest of our life sharing coffee and wine with. This is not simply the dream, this is the goal for the next ten years. We'd have to consider the specifics of where so that we can financially survive while still having the conveniences and luxuries we need.
And on to that bun portion of this rhapsody or diatribe, as you will...Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? If you haven't please rent it prior to reading this. Hubby was recently talking to an old friend from high school, who hadn't done much since then. No great goals, no grand ideas, a few stints in jail perhaps. Basically the only thing this person had done with his life is breed. Please forgive this next judgmental assertion: When I look at the breeders in my life, those who's goal is to personally "fill the earth and subdue it" 99% have little to no motivation, education, or vision. Its like the only mark they plan to leave behind when they die, is a long line of offspring. This in itself would not be so bad, if the intellectuals I know were also breeders. Unfortunately most of them are too busy pursuing life's treasures to treasure the life they could bring into it. The slippery slope of Idiocracy is that world is eventually populated by the lowest common denominator of humanity. This premise feels very... prophetic these days. So we have decided, we probably really need to have at least one kid. Of course we can change our mind tomorrow, but lately this has been the conclusion.
It isn't that we're exactly trying to have kids, but we've switched our perspective to not actively trying not to, if that makes sense. The good little former health educator in me, knows exactly what should be done to not get pregnant. So playing fast and loose (wow, now that's a gross pun) is a huge step for us in an effort to save humanity from its otherwise impending doom. At this point if we get pregnant it is neither on accident, or on purpose, it simply is. This is basically procreation Russian Roulette.
Its nearly our one year anniversary. No one was kidding that time starts flying. I can't believe it. I still feel so much like a newly wed, only now I can offer sagely advice. I think the the strangest part has been my shift in perception. I am admittedly a perfectionist, and was therefore disappointed that my wedding wasn't as perfect as I would have liked. I tend to invest a lot of myself in the things I put my name on, and expect myself to accomplish the impossible. For some people my wedding was just that. My mom reminisces all the time about it being the most beautiful wedding she had ever attended, but then again, she's my mom. I think I did the best I could for spending as little as I spent. But the downside of wedding season is you cannot help but compare what you accomplished to what others did. I know my particular mental issues left me hyper critical of everything that went wrong-- which there were so few and so many things all at once.
I didn't dislike my wedding, I just left it a bit unfulfilled. Maybe because it took me months to unwind afterwards. Maybe because I was hypersensitive to what I wanted that was missing or changed out of necessity. Maybe because it didn't live up to being the "Best Day of My life" because although it was a beautiful day and I love my husband very much, I don't define myself by being married. However, eleven months into being married, I find myself thinking back on the day with more rose colored hues than I did 11, 6, or even 3 months ago. Almost a year into wedded life and the stress of throwing a wedding is finally diminishing and I can appreciate the day for what it was. I appreciate it for the simplicity and meaning and time spent with those I love the most. I appreciate my two amazing bachelorette parties thrown by my two amazing maids of honor. I appreciate the giant slumber party in the venue the night before that culminated with me and my besty blowing bubbles and singing "Somewhere Out There" and the late night BBQ. I appreciate the early mornings with my mother watching the fog roll out of the valley below us, and the really bad karaoke that followed the end of the reception. I appreciate the contentment in my father's face and the light in my hubby's eyes when he saw me. A year after my wedding, I am beginning to fall in love with it. Perhaps five years down the road I will remember it as the best day of my life.
I guess the theme if this blog today is that life is anything but certain. Certainty comes when life is in the past. Looking back at choices, our visions is 20/20. But looking forward it always feels so hazy. For the moment, there is the semblance of contentment before the next big wave washes me out to sea or carries me back to the shore.
We've been talking a lot about where we would like to see ourselves in five to ten years, and we both agree that if possible, we would like to be able to work part time only, and lead a slightly slower paced life focusing on personal projects that make us happy. This is on the tail of a rather dramatic and potentially traumatic (or amazing) patch of rough water in my office. While the drama does not directly involve me, it could potentially change my life for the better or the worse in the next month or so. Insecurity is dangerous place to totter.
We've been talking a lot to my brother about financial issues etcetera. My brother, who makes three times more money than hubby and I, yet is 5 times more likely to have to borrow money, feels he is in a good position to tell us what we should be doing and why what we are doing is stupid... In any event, he has a beautiful new home with a pool, somewhere around the armpit of the golden coast and we in turn weigh our options. Because while 10 times the space we live in filled with every comfort a young couple could desire is tempting. Being able to walk to the beach, makes us pretty darn spoiled. As does the wonderfully breezy rarely sweltering climate, and access to food and culture and art within walking distance. Would we like a yard and a space that feels more like a home than a "place we stay"? Yes, absolutely. But we don't have school aged kids to think of in terms of space and convenience. Nor are we particularly invested in any one area. And in August, my brothers Mc Mansion will be his only respite from the Mc Oven of the Inland Empire.
We've actually been considering saving up and buying a hippie farm somewhere near Santa Barbara. We'd purchase the land outright and basically create our own community of homes filled with neighbors we want to spend the rest of our life sharing coffee and wine with. This is not simply the dream, this is the goal for the next ten years. We'd have to consider the specifics of where so that we can financially survive while still having the conveniences and luxuries we need.
And on to that bun portion of this rhapsody or diatribe, as you will...Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? If you haven't please rent it prior to reading this. Hubby was recently talking to an old friend from high school, who hadn't done much since then. No great goals, no grand ideas, a few stints in jail perhaps. Basically the only thing this person had done with his life is breed. Please forgive this next judgmental assertion: When I look at the breeders in my life, those who's goal is to personally "fill the earth and subdue it" 99% have little to no motivation, education, or vision. Its like the only mark they plan to leave behind when they die, is a long line of offspring. This in itself would not be so bad, if the intellectuals I know were also breeders. Unfortunately most of them are too busy pursuing life's treasures to treasure the life they could bring into it. The slippery slope of Idiocracy is that world is eventually populated by the lowest common denominator of humanity. This premise feels very... prophetic these days. So we have decided, we probably really need to have at least one kid. Of course we can change our mind tomorrow, but lately this has been the conclusion.
It isn't that we're exactly trying to have kids, but we've switched our perspective to not actively trying not to, if that makes sense. The good little former health educator in me, knows exactly what should be done to not get pregnant. So playing fast and loose (wow, now that's a gross pun) is a huge step for us in an effort to save humanity from its otherwise impending doom. At this point if we get pregnant it is neither on accident, or on purpose, it simply is. This is basically procreation Russian Roulette.
Its nearly our one year anniversary. No one was kidding that time starts flying. I can't believe it. I still feel so much like a newly wed, only now I can offer sagely advice. I think the the strangest part has been my shift in perception. I am admittedly a perfectionist, and was therefore disappointed that my wedding wasn't as perfect as I would have liked. I tend to invest a lot of myself in the things I put my name on, and expect myself to accomplish the impossible. For some people my wedding was just that. My mom reminisces all the time about it being the most beautiful wedding she had ever attended, but then again, she's my mom. I think I did the best I could for spending as little as I spent. But the downside of wedding season is you cannot help but compare what you accomplished to what others did. I know my particular mental issues left me hyper critical of everything that went wrong-- which there were so few and so many things all at once.
I didn't dislike my wedding, I just left it a bit unfulfilled. Maybe because it took me months to unwind afterwards. Maybe because I was hypersensitive to what I wanted that was missing or changed out of necessity. Maybe because it didn't live up to being the "Best Day of My life" because although it was a beautiful day and I love my husband very much, I don't define myself by being married. However, eleven months into being married, I find myself thinking back on the day with more rose colored hues than I did 11, 6, or even 3 months ago. Almost a year into wedded life and the stress of throwing a wedding is finally diminishing and I can appreciate the day for what it was. I appreciate it for the simplicity and meaning and time spent with those I love the most. I appreciate my two amazing bachelorette parties thrown by my two amazing maids of honor. I appreciate the giant slumber party in the venue the night before that culminated with me and my besty blowing bubbles and singing "Somewhere Out There" and the late night BBQ. I appreciate the early mornings with my mother watching the fog roll out of the valley below us, and the really bad karaoke that followed the end of the reception. I appreciate the contentment in my father's face and the light in my hubby's eyes when he saw me. A year after my wedding, I am beginning to fall in love with it. Perhaps five years down the road I will remember it as the best day of my life.
I guess the theme if this blog today is that life is anything but certain. Certainty comes when life is in the past. Looking back at choices, our visions is 20/20. But looking forward it always feels so hazy. For the moment, there is the semblance of contentment before the next big wave washes me out to sea or carries me back to the shore.
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